Total Divas Review: 11/17/13
Is it just me, or does the E! Network have this strange phenomenon of spoiling the end of their reality TV episodes throughout the hour on the “Still to Come…” that appears before each commercial break? I’ve noticed this on their Kardashian barrage they unleash (um…I mean…so I’ve heard), and they did the same thing on Total Divas! This week’s episode ended with John Cena presenting Nikki Bella with a cohabitation agreement that says he can kick her ass out within 48 hours, among other romantic clauses. But they teased this happening throughout the hour. I mean, they didn’t go into specifics, but you can get the gist of how Nikki took it, because they already showed her getting in her car and driving away, leaving a despondent Cena staring into space. This is the equivalent of going to commercial during a Walking Dead episode and seeing a glimpse of a walker pinning one of our heroes down in a corner, when everybody was safe and sound just before going to commercial. You have to stay tuned to see if our hero will survive, but at least let us get to that point in the show to see the danger! Only in reality TV, and only on the E! network does this phenomenon happen.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. There were a lot of storylines this week on Total Divas. Before being served with the cohabitation agreement, Nikki stood by her man as he went through surgery on his elbow and triceps. For those who haven’t seen this episode yet, don’t eat while watching this scene, unless you like seeing blood shoot all over the place (or skeet, as Cena described it). Before the surgery, Cena and Nikki had an intelligent conversation on the specific scientific term for the taint. Quality educational programming here, folks! And I’m sitting here talking about it. This is what I’ve chosen to do with my life.
There’s no cleanliness to be found in this episode, as Jon and Trinity’s storyline this week revolved around dutch oven farts in the car and foot fungus. Can we move on? I want to move on.
The most intriguing storyline of the week involved Bryan Danielson and Brie Bella dealing with Bryan’s newfound stardom in the wake of Cena’s injury, and the increased travel demands that go with it. This week, Brie seemed to be okay with Bryan’s new intense schedule, but next week, the seeds of jealousy will be planted.
Finally, while gals like Nattie and Ariane took a back seat this week, and JoJo has had two straight weeks of inactivity, we were hit with a double dose of Eva Marie. I thought I’d be given a week reprieve after last week’s onslaught of terror, but there was no relief in sight.
This week, Eva was asked to ring announce in front of a worldwide audience on Monday Night Raw (except she actually announced on Superstars which is an internet-only show that maybe a couple hundred people watch, if that, but we’re not supposed to know that, shhhhh). Here’s how bad Eva Marie is…she screwed up announcing and got yelled at by Jinder Mahal, who she called “Ginger Mahal.” For those that watch WWE, if there’s a totem pole or pecking order, good ol’ Jinder is right at the very bottom. To earn a verbal brow-beating from Jinder, you really have to mess up. I mean, you have to be less than the least. And all Eva could do is respond that because she didn’t use a cheat sheet, she did alright. There is no award for effort in WWE. You either get it right, or you pay the price (shout out to Ugg).
I thought that after two weeks in a row of Eva, maybe I’d get a break next week, but nope, in the clips for next week’s episode, she gets on Natalya’s nerves. I can concede that she’s the best-looking of the seven girls, but she’s easily the least charismatic, the most idiotic, the worst Diva on this show! And they won’t stop shoving her stupid red hair in my face week after week after week! Why won’t it stop? WHY WON’T IT STOP????
This hasn’t been a great half-season after two episodes, and a lot of it has to do with Eva. Frankly I can’t imagine her staying with the company once this show goes off the air for good. She’s a reality star trying to be a wrestler. Being nice to look at can only take you so far, and I had gotten over her looks about two episodes into the first half of this season. Eventually you have to bring something else to the table. I hear she’s been wrestling on Raw lately, but I’ve been watching Monday Night Football and haven’t seen her, so I have no idea about the strides she’s making in the ring. All I know is that I watch every second of this show every week, and the producers choose to have it revolve around her, and she just can’t carry the show. I guess I just have to wait for the episodes where she takes a back seat (if they’ll ever come), and grit my teeth and bear it when she is heavily featured.