Total Divas Review: 12/15/13
So here we are, my friends. The end of the road. The season finale of Total Divas. As I do when I come to the end of all my experiences, I try to look back and recount what I’ve learned from the journey.
So what did we learn about Total Divas?
I personally learned a bunch of new phrases to add to my personal lexicon. Let’s see, there’s “Girl/Boy, Bye”, “Cookie” as another word for vagina, “TheBomb.Com”, “Get off my Kool-Aid”, and other pleasantries.
I also learned that at the end of the day, this is a show about a group of women whose attractiveness level ranges from decent to gorgeous, talking about their breasts and vaginas and occasionally wrestling. There’s nothing of substance to be had with this program, and apparently, that’s what America wants. We want to be able to shut our brains off for an hour. This is evident by the high ratings the show has gotten for the E! network, and the fact that the show has been picked up for a second season.
A second season that, unfortunately for you but fortunately for me, I will not be reviewing. That’s right, I’m tapping out.
Forgive me for not being able to continually describe a program that portrays itself as a “reality” show but features nothing even close to resembling reality. The show is just as staged as the normal WWE program, only without the wrestling matches. It’s tough for me to write about the fights the Divas have with their significant others without knowing in the back of my mind that they’re complete bullshit. When we review the pro wrestling shows, we talk about how well the matches are crafted, not actively remarking at the story progression as if it’s really happening. So why should I bother doing the same for Total Divas, which is just as fake/scripted as the WWE itself? For that reason, and also that I’ll finally be free of the unholy terror that is Eva Marie, I will gracefully bow out of reviewing the second season of Total Divas.
But we still have one show left this season, so for the last time, here’s my review of this schlock.
We get another dose of Eva Marie as she brings home her fiancée to meet her family for the first time so he can get their blessing to marry Eva. He comes to the house without a freaking shirt on. He’s got this sweatshirt and you can see the top of his chest. The family rightly grills him about it, and about his intentions for their darling Eva. Here’s where I lost my suspension of disbelief. At the time these episodes were taped, Total Divas had already aired. The family would have seen Eva being proposed to in her goddamned hotel room. Just once I’d like this show to be meta and have the girls realize they’re being taped for a TV show. It would have been more realistic to have the family say, “I have to find out you’re engaged on television?” For whatever it’s worth, Eva’s father and her two brothers were extremely funny and I’d be interested to see them on a Duck Dynasty-like reality show where all they do is verbally destroy all of Eva’s suitors.
Probably the best scene of the entire season is Stephanie McMahon forcing Nattie to listen to the drunk dial voicemails she left Steph last night while out on the town in New Orleans. You can hear Nattie get progressively drunker and drunker as she demands to be given the Divas Championship. The fourth voicemail wasn’t even meant for Stephanie, but rather her husband, TJ, where she says that she’s not wearing any underwear. Scripted or not, that was pretty fantastic.
And regardless of whether I watch next season or not, they need to add Alicia Fox to the cast. She’s awesome.
You and I were wondering where Jojo was this season. Well apparently, she was asked not to be featured on the show so she could focus on her in-ring training. She just jumped up a whole other level in respect for me, and I really hope she becomes successful. Unfortunately, she has to take a back seat to red hair and fake tits. They showed clips of Eva working in the ring, and she’s as green as grass. She doesn’t even react to taking a beating in the ring, keeping the same nonplussed look on her face.
Nikki Bella closed out the season on a cliffhanger with her boyfriend John Cena, when she confronted him about marriage and children, and Cena, to his credit, kept his firm stance that neither were going to happen. The way he went about it was just so douchey. It’s like he knew the cameras were there, and basically cut one of his understated promos on her (and on her friends when they asked at dinner). Of all the scripted parts of this show, Cena’s demeanor has got to be the most fake. It’s like he’s purposely trolling the audience, which I give him credit for, because it’s obvious he doesn’t want to be there. But it’s just not entertaining.
Aside from Nattie and TJ, the only real thing on this show seems to be the relationship between Bryan Danielson and Brie Bella. This week, the cameras caught Bryan proposing to Brie, and unlike Eva’s hotel-room proposal earlier in the year, it looked genuine. You could actually see Bryan start to shake when he went into his speech. The dinner later that evening involving both families was a nice touch, one that I had planned when I proposed to my wife back in 2010. I always thought an engagement party should be the night you get engaged. Anything else is just a cash grab. If there’s any part of this show that could get me watching and reviewing again for Season 2 (aside from my wife’s insistence that I keep reviewing), it’s Bryan and Brie’s relationship.
So that brings us to the end of the road. We laughed, we cried, we binge drank. I will close by announcing that while the Total Divas review will be no more in 2014, starting in the new year, The Honor Roll will return. That’s right, I’m going to be reviewing Ring of Honor for this site again. Oh happy day…?