Before I begin, I want to apologize for not having this article up Monday. For those that don't know, I turned 30 this weekend, and my lovely wife surprised me with a party on Sunday. On top of all that, I'm having problems with my cable company, and the DVR wasn't working. Now, any sane man would take this as an excuse to get out of writing a Total Divas review, but I am not one of those sane people. At least I've armed myself again this week.
In honor of a much superior television show, Breaking Bad, returning for its final season, I've decided to interlace this review with some of my favorite quotes from the show.
This week, Total Divas was all about relationships. The big three storylines involved Jojo's relationship with her boyfriend, Trinity's relationship with her wrestler fiancee, and Brie Bella's relationship with her dog, apparently.
I say we just move there, yo! I mean, you could do your art, right? Like, you could like paint the local castles and shit, and I can be a bush pilot! - Jesse Pinkman
Usually when you up and move your house, you need a good reason to do so. Brie and boyfriend Bryan Danielson are considering moving from San Diego to Phoenix so they can be closer to their dog. Now, admittedly I'm not a dog person. I had a dog for seven years and loved him dearly, but under no circumstances would I move house for the dog. No matter how many animal lovers will try and tell you otherwise, dogs are not as important as people. You can always give the dog away. Still, Brie and Bryan are planning on bouncing for the stupid mutt, and it rubs Nikki the wrong way. She bitches about the Bellas' website or something, and tells Brie and Bryan off. Then John Cena of all people has to be the voice of reason by telling her that she's acting ridiculous. When you're making John Cena sound responsible, you know there's a problem.
Hey, man, I'm slingin' mad volume and fat stackin' benjis, you know what I'm sayin'? I can't be all about, like, spelling and shit! - Skinny Pete
Speaking of not being about "spelling and shit," Nikki Bella rationalized her ignorance by saying the following: "I don’t really say big words or…sound super smart all the time." I never said this program was educational.
Is there a ringing in your ears? Are you seeing bright lights or hearing voices? - Gus Fring
I'm quite well, thank you. - Walter White
No. Clearly you are not. No rational person would do as you have done. Explain yourself. - Gus Fring
Jojo got a concussion during training, and somehow it led to her hometown boyfriend convincing her that she had to quit WWE for him. Clearly this is ridiculous, and it's a serious stretch for me to believe that Jojo would even entertain the idea of quitting for her boyfriend. Let's see...on one end of the spectrum you have the opportunity of fame and fortune, and on the other, you have some nunce who probably popped your cherry junior year. I don't really see how this can be a storyline.
D.B.A.A. Obviously. Yeah. Alright...so, uh...what's D.B.A.A? - Jesse Pinkman
Don't Be An Asshole. - Jane Margolis
In our final story, Trinity and her fiancee John (aka Jimmy Uso) are having problems because she won't/can't wear her engagement ring to appearances because the WWE wants the fans to think that the Divas are single and available (which is ludicrous considering I had no idea the majority of these girls were in relationships until I saw this show...that WWE is producing). So John pushes the subject of when they're going to get married, Trinity refuses to give an answer, John knocks a glass against the wall and storms out, and somehow Trinity is booked to wrestle an 8-person tag team match against a team featuring her fiancee, for the very first time. The road agents say that they want Trinity to wrestle John because it's "good for business." Here's a list of many reasons why it's not "good for business."
- Both Trinity and John are babyfaces (good guys). John and his brother teamed up with the Bellas (heels, or bad guys...er...girls) against Trinity, Arianne, and their tag team partners Tons of Funk, all good guys.
- The match is taking place on WWE Superstars, an internet-only show that barely anybody watches. The match was taped in May and I had no idea it existed until I watched Sunday night's show.
- As I mentioned, the match was taped in May. Nobody knew a single thing about Total Divas at the time, so the match had absolutely no hype.
So essentially, they made a big stink about this match happening, when not a single dollar would ever be generated. And people wonder why I have a hard time suspending disbelief for this show?
At the very end, they ended up reconciling and kicking each other in the ass playfully (I wish I made that up). The entire thing was full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Kind of like a metaphor for this show.
Bitch! - Jesse Pinkman
The only saving grace of this week's episode was that they toned down the Eva Marie nonsense.
That's all I have for this week. Sorry for the abbreviated review. Next week's review will also be a day or so late because I'm going to be watching Summerslam. Be on the lookout for it Tuesday.
Remember to follow me on Twitter @PocketSeagull and leave a comment below. Thanks for reading!