Total Divas Review: 9/8/2013
The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was almost convincing me that Total Divas was a decent show.
Over the past couple weeks, I've actually enjoyed watching what used to be considered a chore. I even stopped drinking during the broadcasts! Clear-eyed and hopeful, I was really impressed that a scripted "reality" show managed to develop broad themes across its storylines, such as self esteem issues and relationships. Last week was also fun from a pure spectator standpoint as we got to see the girls make asses of themselves in Vegas.
This week reminded me why I started slamming Jack in the first place.
The one constant from the past few weeks' episodes has been the downplaying of Eva Marie. Her storylines over the first couple of weeks were ridiculous, but she took a back seat. Well, here she's back in the forefront, and I'm miserable again. So I really had to take a step back and wonder just what I had against this girl. After all, she's just trying to make a living in showbusiness. Who else could say they wouldn't trade places with her? Young, gorgeous, and famous. Why am I hatin'?
Then it hit me. It's her Twitter account.
I've mentioned before how Eva Marie's Twitter consisted of nothing but retweeting fans' Instagram collages of her while taking selfsies. I never took a long look at why it bothered me so much. But when you look at what Twitter offers us, it's not hard to see. Twitter allows us to take a personal look into the lives of celebrities that we have never been given before. They allow us access into their lives by what they tweet. They also let us delve deeper into their personalities based on how they tweet. How would any of us know that Big E Langston is a really witty guy under that big, tough facade? How else would we know just how deep CM Punk's fandom for the Chicago Blackhawks and comic books goes?
WWE Superstars and Divas have been given an avenue to connect with their fans and show some of their personality that they wouldn't otherwise be able to get on camera. And what does Eva Marie do with this gift? She basically just replies and thanks all of her fans, takes selfsies, and uses 10,000 emojis like every other fucking girl in the entire world (and shame on me for knowing what an emoji is). I know nothing about the girl, and when you're on a reality show which is supposed to take you into your personal life, it's not a good thing when we don't know anything about you.
On this week's episode, Nattie mentioned that Eva Marie has an "it factor." Well, I'm really struggling to find out what "it" is. For all the grief I give Ariane for just being awful in every conceivable way, at least she has a personality. In the entertainment business, the only thing worse than being bad is being boring. So far, the only thing Eva Marie has going for her is the way she looks, but as the businessman's famous reply to the Craigslist ad reminds us: beauty is a depreciating asset. Most of the Divas are drop-dead gorgeous, but at least they bring something else to the table. Trish Stratus wasn't just another pretty face, and that's why she had staying power. Anybody know what Kelly Kelly has been up to since leaving WWE? I thought so.
Ok, rant over. On to the episode.
Eva Marie finds out she's doing a photo spread for Maxim Magazine and reacts with more excitement than when her boyfriend proposed to her in an earlier episode (Remember when I told you they'd be broken up by series end? Umm...apparently she married him. I guess I owe you all a coke. This probably happened long before the show was even taped.) This makes JoJo jealous so she decides to give herself a push by telling management she can sing the national anthem. This ticks Eva Marie off, as if she didn't try doing the exact same thing when she said she had a dance background only she couldn't dance a lick. At least JoJo has a set of pipes on her.
Elsewhere, Nikki Bella hurt herself on Raw (apparently it was the Raw in Hartford that I attended in person back in June, but I didn't see Nikki get injured as I was in the very long line for the men's room during the Divas match), and took her sweet time to get checked out. It turns out she fractured her shin bone, and both Bellas were scared that they were going to be off TV for a long time. Apparently, it wasn't long enough as I never even noticed they were gone.
Ariane finally gave Vincenzo the boot, or at least it seems that way, after he and his father rushed into getting Ariane to marry him after only dating for 10 months. For a scripted show, I do have to say that Ariane did a pretty good job crying on the spot when she said she wanted to "take a break" from Vinny. Vincente couldn't seem to care less.
Next week is the mid season finale, which means there's going to be MORE of these episodes. At least we get to see TJ put Jarrett in his place before the wedding.
Hope you enjoyed this week's review. Let me know your thoughts below, or tweet me @PocketSeagull. I tweet good. I was even retweeted by ESPN anchor Robert Flores. #NBD. #AllBirdmanEverything