Good Morning Humanoids! This is Lonestar’s Head in a Jar and these are today’s top stories.

Wrasslin’ news has been pretty slow lately, so slow that we, as a group of people with internet access, are just blatantly starting to make s**t up. I’m speaking of course of the rumor that WCW’s Disco Inferno passed away. I can safely say, with all the authority vested in me as a random Headlines writer, that Disco Inferno is not dead, just irrelevant.

With that out of the way the major news this Tuesday comes to us from WWE Raw, which announced some more matches for Summerslam and threw some interesting twists into a couple existing storylines. The two new matches are pretty damn fresh ones, with former best buddies Cody Rhodes and Damien Sandow squaring off and Kane taking on Bray Wyatt in a “Ring of Fire.” Does this mean an Inferno match? Probably. Cue the Johnny Cash references.

Speaking of big Johnny, why the hell hasn’t there been a Johnny Cash impersonator in wrestling? We’ve had a wrestler impersonating Elvis and legions of them impersonating rappers, why the hell not Johnny Cash? The dude almost killed off the California Condors for goodness sake, he practically was a wrestling villain anyway!

Where was I? Oh yeah, Kofi Kingston returned. Boom, boom?

John Cena also unveiled a little bit on an injury to his elbow last night. Is it legit? Is it so Daniel Bryan has something to target during their upcoming PPV match? Is it a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B?

One person/living collective of evil thoughts that might be in interested in said elbow injury would be Randy Orton, who pretty much said phooey last night to playing nice with the other children on the playground and RKO’d anyone around him that smiled. It’s his trigger, you see. Either that or when he sees the reflection of his distractingly gray sprig of beard hair in other people’s eyes. Seriously, did anyone else get weirded out by that thing last night?

IN OTHER NEWS:

-Total Divas happened again. Here’s my favorite photo from this week’s show:

Four observations:

1. It’s comforting to know that the Bellas and their boys observe the time honored tradition of “shirt-less-o’clock”.

2. I had no idea Brie Bella was this ripped.

3. I chose this picture because I might have a thing for armed women.

4. I’m pretty much watching this show for the Brie Bella/Daniel Bryan relationship. I have a bit of shame attached to that knowledge.

-Garrett Dylan, the dude from the NXT redneck tag team that did the sitout jumping double-axe handle for some reason and actual spawn of Kris Kristofferson, is probably gone from the company. His profile page has disappeared which is usually short-hand for “Seeya!” To put this in perspective, Danny Burch is still listed on the roster page and I have no earthly idea who he is.

-C M Punk is a little bit of a grammar enthusiast and has brought this passion for speaking good to the wide world of internet video. Teaming up with “The Nerdist”, Punk has made five videos that can be viewed as either educational tools for the unwashed masses or five rounds of anger therapy for Punk. Here’s my favorite:

And that’s the news. Be nice to each other and enjoy wrestling!

Twitter.com/LonestarTJR