Good morning Humanoids! I’m Lonestar Strong and these are today’s top stories.
The Gods of comedy news articles are smiling upon me this Tuesday morning, for something both surreal and wacky has occurred within the wrestling world, involving a former wrestler now far removed from the spotlight. Let’s see if you can pick the real headline out from the fakes produced by the TJR Random Headline Generator!
A. Sign Guy Dudley injured in drunken boating accident!
B. Lacey Von Erich’s leg partially eaten by alligator in violent fit of irony!
C. Duke “The Dumpter” Drowse arrested for selling morphine!
D. The Warlord slams Daniel Bryan as “too small”!
E. New Jack injures and then saves pet hamster!
The correct answer is C. The correct answer is always C.
Former WWF star Mike Droese, also known as Duke "The Dumpster" Droese, was indicted on charges of selling morphine to undercover authorities earlier today. Droese was arrested this past Friday. Since retiring from wrestling, Droese was working as a Special Education teacher in Centertown, TN. The arrest has started to make local media in Tennessee.
Yep. The 6 foot, 6 inch tall dude that was most famous for looking like this:
Later became a special education teacher and high school strength and conditioning coach. WWE.com even has a “Where are they now?” article about him that becomes oh so much funnier with the addition of today’s little nugget of new information.
"I realized I couldn't wrestle anymore and I had to do something else," Droese revealed. "I always wanted to teach kids, so I went back to school and got a master's degree and became a special education teacher, and sold morphine on the side."
Settling down in Tennessee, the man who once made a living from bashing men with trash cans became an elementary school teacher for students with learning disabilities and a secret drug dealer.
"I work at a great school with a lot of great teachers," Droese said. "Our school is one of the top-scoring in state test scores. I take a lot of pride in that, and that I never snitch on my clients."
While Droese always put his education first, he also credits his WWE career with helping him excel in the classroom.
"I think to be a wrestler you have to be a performer and to be a teacher you have to be a performer," Droese said. "You have to get up in front of a classroom full of kids and find a way to get them engaged in what you're teaching and I think that's what wrestling gave me. But if that doesn’t work I just give them some morphine and they pretty much mellow out from there."
For those of you wondering, yes, when the headlines article contains jokes about a former WWE jobber giving morphine to the children enrolled in his special education class, you can officially call the column “dark”.
IN OTHER NEWS:
- Hulk Hogan for realsies was injured in a boating incident again this weekend. If you don’t remember the last time he got hurt in a boat, perhaps the term “Sausage Fingers” will bring back some painful images.
- Mickie James appears to be done with TNA, which I think means the Knockouts division is down to three women and a cardboard cutout of Karen Jarrett. No word on if that cardboard cut-out is in line for a title shot.
- The WWE has released three developmental wrestlers, the most recognizable being Jake Carter, son of Vader and a woman way, way more attractive than Vader. The other two were names I don’t even recognize, and I review NXT on a weekly basis.
- Chris Jericho continues to speak with reporters and such and revealed that at one point during his “Your dad drinks to much” feud with C M Punk he was supposed to forcibly tattoo his initials into Punk’s flesh. Both he and Punk were okay with the idea, but Vince changed his mind when he learned that such an act could involve some blood. And Lord help us if blood shows up on our televisions.
- And to wrap us up for today, Colt Cabana interviewed Sunny last week for his “Art of Wrestling” podcast and I’ll be damned if the WWE’s first diva didn’t come off as way more intelligent and capable than her frequent appearances in these columns would make you expect. Click here to listen to the podcast and maybe be surprised.
And that’s the news. Have a pleasant week, enjoy wrestling and throw a random dance party once in a while. It’s fun.