Good morning Humanoids! I’m Lonestar Lane Bryant and these are today top, breaking stories.

The Tuesday Headlines Trained Mail Pigeons just arrived, bringing with them the Summerslam PPV results. And…..what’s this!? Daniel Bryan has won the WWE Title! He’s the new WWE champion! Praise the Dragon Gods of Greater North America! I never thought I’d see this day! Wait, there’s an extra bit of writing at the end of this note, but it’s too small to read. Something about a “Morton” maybe? Oh well, I doubt it’s important. Bryan’s the champ!

And now we go to Lonestar’s inner mark (his name is Marc) with a special editorial report on Bryan’s championship win. Marc?

(This is where I tried to post like 8 gifs of people being really happy, but either this website doesn't understand how to do that without wrapping text around them or I don't understand how to make the website understand that. Imagine this was funny. Instead here's the one gif of Bryan removing Cena's face with his knee.)

Thanks Marc. Really good insight there. Not sure how Bryan becomes King of the Andals but I’ll wait and see.


-John Cena is having surgery to fix that giant round thing on his elbow, which means he’ll be out about 4-6 months. Suddenly Cena and Sheamus are injured, Bryan’s a former WWE champ, Orton’s a bad guy, Punk is in a new hair phase and Triple H is Thanos or something. If I had gone into a coma the day after WrestleMania and woken up this morning, I would be so lost.

-Total Divas aired an episode mostly about boobies on Sunday. My cousin Bonestar said to include this:

Friendly advice: don’t look for more of that, you might end up somewhere hard to explain.

-Sin Cara came back on Raw and somehow managed to injure himself within a minute of being in the ring. I don’t even know what to say anymore. Just watch.

He somehow breaks his hand off the collision with Del Rio’s shoulder or head or something. Sin Cara didn’t even fall on it, like I assumed he did. Not that I'm a coordinated person in any sense but are we sure they hired one of the biggest stars in Mexico and not some carnival clown?

And that’s the news. Brooke Hogan is still fired and Daniel Bryan is still one of the biggest stars in the company, so enjoy wrestling.