Good Morning Humanoids! This is Lonestar Lowbacca and these are today’s top stories.
Last night’s Raw featured more McMahon family and revolving door GM shenanigans than I ever want to see on any one wrestling show answered a lot of questions about where important members of the WWE roster are going and what storylines the WWE are going to be running with through Summer.
First of all, Mark Henry fake retired (and used twitter to convince the people who might very well be ready for him to retire to believe it) in order to lure John Cena into a vulnerable position and flatten him. So that’s John Cena’s next opponent to beat. Makes you wonder if that whole “The WWE is upset with Mark Henry for taking time off” thing was a giant load of poo-doo, doesn’t it?
Speaking of flattening, C M Punk is back and was suspiciously attacked by Brock Lesnar after it was made clear that Punk and Paul Heyman were no longer seeing eye to eye. Lesnar at first picked up a microphone but remembered that he had already said his bit about “feelings” with John Cena and skipped to attacking Punk without a promo. Thank goodness.
Outside the top of the main event, Christian is back (Yey!), Ziggler and Del Rio are definitely switched (Yey?), and Antonio Cesaro is now allied with Zeb Colter (Double Yey!).
IN OTHER NEWS:
In a story that almost got the top Headlines spot, Edge revealed some of the tales from his old bouncing days. You can click the link to the article here if you want to know how Christian hit a cross-body in an actual fight, but here’s Edge’s second story in its entirety. There may or may not be naked dudes involved.
If I fail to remember O’Toole’s for any other reason, I will always remember it for the night that they featured a male strip show. I was freaking out that I had to work that night, because I’d barely been to a female strip club at that point, so I had no idea what the deal was gonna be.
The strippers arrived shortly after my shift started, and because it was the nineties, they were all mulletted out like crazy -- not that I can say anything about it since I was rockin’ the same thing, plus my uniform was cowboy boots, jeans, and a white denim shirt, so I wasn’t setting a very high fashion precedent.
After the show began, I stayed on the front door and tried to look into the club as little as possible. But it was still my job to scan the room from time to time, and every time I did, it was like, “Whoa, shit, there’s a dick”. I hadn’t realized that these guys were actually gonna get their shit right in the girls’ faces and just shake it! I don’t know if that was legal or not, but I can tell you it was sure goin’ on.
Eventually I had to use the staff washroom, which was a tiny, single-user deal at the back. As I made my way back there I tried to keep my eyes to the floor, but it was like walking through dick land-mines the whole way! When I finally got to the back I let out a huge sigh of relief, but that only lasted a couple of seconds before I opened the unlocked bathroom door and found one of the peelers standing there wearing nothing but a cock ring! Porn magazine in one hand, junk in the other, and going to TOWN on himself trying to get his shit hard!
At a young and impressionable 17 years old, I didn’t want to know about cock-rings -- what they were, what they were for, the whole process of getting ‘em on, I didn’t wanna know any of that. And I especially didn’t want to be enlightened by a guy who was only too eager to explain it all while whacking his meat!
So yeah... I witnessed that. And even with all the years that passed and all the concussions I’ve suffered since then, I’ve still never found a way to un-know it.
You know what, I think I’ll end on cock rings this week. That’s the news! Go read a book.