Good morning Humanoids. I’m Lonestar Mintberry Crunch and these are today’s top stories.

As usual, it being Tuesday, the biggest news comes to us from the WWE, who just produced six hours of television in two days. Not counting pre or post shows. Yeeeeeeesh. I hope their people get paid by the hour. Anyway, matches were announced for the next PPV, talent was reintroduced and repackaged and Triple H…..well, we’ll get to that in a second.

Coming into Raw the most buzzed about segment was the reveal of Paul Heyman’s new “Paul Heyman Guy”. There were rumors about the mystery wrestler being RVD (fart), MVP (polite toot), PSP (what?) and MSG (that’s totally not even a wrestler) but my money was on it being a midget dressed up like Triple H. It just seemed like such a wrestling thing to do. Thankfully and surprisingly, the new “Paul Heyman Guy” ended up being Michael McGillicutty. If that name doesn’t ring a bell hopefully this picture will:

Yes, he was in the New Nexus and wow, that was like two CM Punk haircuts ago. He also wrestled quite a bit on several seasons of NXT and, let me tell you, he’s improved a lot since his spectacularly bad promo to cap that show’s second season. More famously he’s Mr. Perfect’s son. His new name, Axel Curtis, reflects that by combining Perfect’s ring name with Perfect’s father’s ring name (Larry the Axe Hennig) to form something strikingly similar to what was done for The Rock originally.

Triple H, not thrilled to see the newest member of the Sith (there can only ever be two!), came down and challenged McGillicutty to a fight. So in the main event Triple H, destroyer of worlds and ornery gatekeeper of the main event league, wrestled Michael McGillicutty Axel Curtis….and lost……by countout……because he didn’t feel well.

I haven’t actually seen the footage because I’m a weenie that doesn’t watch Raw live, but from what I’ve heard and read it sounds like Triple H is doing a “concussion angle”. Right after one of their champions got a serious and legit concussion. Because WRESTLING!

How funny would have been if Triple H, in the middle of fighting Axel Curtis, had an existential crisis and just walked away from the ring? Same match result, same storyline trajectory, different and ultimately more interesting reasoning. I mean, Mick Foley kind of did that one already with Orton but didn’t Shawn Michaels kind of do this concussion storyline too?


John Cena and Ryback will face off in an Ambulance Match at Payback. Don’t worry, I’ll let you know when Cena gets into a feud that’s not just killing time.

Extreme Rules sold out the arena in St. Louis because St. Louis is kind of the bee’s knees. ( My buddy saw the show live, somewhere near the Spanish announce table. I’m told he had fun.

Rey Mysterio is having another minor surgery in June and is planning to be back in the ring by August. ( Look, it bums me out that Rey has had so many surgeries and probably doesn’t have that many matches left in him, but I’d be lying I said I didn’t want one last good Rey Mysterio run. Maybe what he hopes is true and August rolls around and he’s ready. Then maybe we can get some matches against the Shield or something and my selfish desires will be satiated.

And that’s the news! Now if you’ll excuse me, Heather Hickey and I are gonna go figure out how a dropkick works for our new TJR based stable. Andrew Johnson’s the manager and Jacob Lindsey is the hower power.