Good morning Humanoids! I’m Lonestar Lamp and these are today’s top stories.

Wrestlemania is just around the corner. We’ve received word that the WWE’s yearly PPV extravaganza has not actually been cancelled. We apologize that we did not check our sources very thoroughly before reporting that news yesterday and instead chose to value the speediness of our news programming over any sort of accuracy or honesty or integrity or good taste or….what’s it called….honor in communication.

Speaking of which, TMZ has posted a recording of the phone call between Rick Flair and the 911 dispatcher. You know, the one Flair made when he found his son dead. Or at least that’s what I assume it is. I didn’t actually listen to it because it breaks a level of privacy I don’t think should ever be broken and certainly wouldn’t want broken for me. Hell, I don’t even friend people on facebook I don’t actually know in real life. So yeah, it’s out there and you can find it on your own if you really want to. Or you can say “f**k that” and not support an organization that intrudes into the lives of real, human people to earn a shady buck. Your choice really.

Choose wisely.


AJ, she of the attractive….everything really, detailed her ten favorite video games of all time to It started with Pokemon Yellow and ended with Metal Gear Solid and somewhere along the way I realized she wasn’t really a Nintendo Gamer and my heart shrank three sizes.

Comedian Gabriel Iglesias is going to be the social media ambassador for WrestleMania. I didn’t know they still did that crap but part of me also wonders where on the scale Tensai and Funkasaurus fall. God I hope someone gets that. Watch some Comedy Central dammit!

People in New Jersey are estimating that WrestleMania 29 will have an economic impact of over 100 million dollars. As someone who may or may not be working in New Jersey at the moment and is quite familiar with its cost of living, let me tell you that that amount is not nearly as much as you think it is. But hey, at least there’s water ice. Yes it’s a real thing, and it even comes in a number of ethnic varieties. The more you know.

And that’s the news. To those of you traveling for WrestleMania I wish you a safe journey and a good time. Take pictures and enjoy yourselves. Oh, and Cena, Triple H, Taker, Del Rio, Ziggler and Langston, Shield (Orton turn), Fandango, Fat funks of funk, Ryback, and the Miz. And Trish Stratus. She’ll win Wrestlemania in general.