Good morning Humanoids! This is Lonestar Frank N. Furter and these are today’s top stories.

Last night’s Raw set us up for Summerslam and as usual, that’s the big news on this Tuesday morning. Well, that and Blaziken has a new sort-of evolution, but you guys don’t care about Pokemon, do you?

A few new little matches were set up after last night’s show, including RVD vs Dean Ambrose in a nail-biting pre-show match for the US title and Natalya vs Brie Bella in a “best possible combination of the women on Total Divas” match. The addition that got everybody’s turkey in a twist was Triple H being added to the John Cena vs Daniel Bryan title match as the special referee. I don’t have an easy way to access the entire internet’s opinion but let’s just say my twitter wall was…..unenthusiastic about the whole situation. To use an analogy, I suspect the people upset about Triple being involved in the match feel like somebody pooped on their sundae, and they were really looking forward to eating ice cream too.

Of course this does give the WWE more storyline options heading out of Summerslam, what with Triple H being around the match as well as Randy Orton doing his best impression of a vulture. Which begs the question……on a scale of highly improbable to nigh impossible, how likely is it that we’ll see Batista return and the whole lot of them reform Evolution this Sunday?

Nah, you’re right. That’s crazy. I’ll expect Kevin Nash instead.


-New Japan Pro Wrestling recently completed its G1-climax round-robin tournament, where two blocks of ten wrestlers each fight each other once over the course of ten days. The wrestler with the most victory points in each block wrestles the other victor to determine the tournament champion. If you think that sounds like a brutal test of endurance, it was: two wrestlers had to drop out due to injury. In the final match, Tetsuya Naito (from the tag team No Limit) beat Hiroshi Tanahashi (NJPW’s roughly translated John Cena) to win the tournament and will get a shot at the Heavyweight title at the Tokyo Dome on Jan 4th, 2014, in what I could call their WrestleMania. It’s worth noting that both of the men in the final match and the current Heavyweight champion were all in TNA for a bit and all pretty much had their time, talent and potential wasted.

-Speaking of which, TNA announced that they are moving their main event of this week’s TV show to next week’s show, which will be filmed this week anyway because of their taping schedule. I don’t think I really need a joke here. At this point I can just say “TNA” and we all point and laugh and high five ourselves.

-I guess this is news? The WWE bought a new corporate jet, to the cool tune of 31 million dollars. If you think your car payment is bad, digest this. The WWE took out a loan and will pay quarterly payments of about 400,000 dollars for seven years, which *whips out calculator*…..doesn’t actually add up to 31 million dollars. Huh. I guess this isn’t something I understand correctly……

S**t. I’d better go back over my taxes.

And that’s the news, minus all the possibly spoilery stuff. Be nice to each other, enjoy wrestling!