Good morning Humanoids! My name is Lonestar Boehner’s Boner and these are today’s top stories!
Autumn is here and with it comes falling leaves, the renewal of our children’s education and apparently a growing disinterest in the WWE product. The discussion I’ve seen about the big Dub recently centers on how the stories have stagnated, stretched thin to cover the extra PPV in October that just came, underwhelmed and went. But my colleagues here at TJR have covered that idea in great detail, so be sure to check out their articles here and here. One of them even quoted a Ledd Zeppelin song!
No, the actual big story of the day is the advertised return of John Cena at the next PPV in a match with the World Heavyweight Champion, Alberto Del Rio. Which makes me think that Mr. Cena might have a little bit of a problem. Have you ever heard of a workaholic?
No, not them. I mean a workaholic, as is someone who can’t ever stop working or thinking about work. Someone who would rather stare at the wall and wait for their next gig than relax or drive one of their many fancy cars or maybe have sexy-times with Nikki on occasion. Well I think Mr. Cena has this problem and unlike the bloggers out there who are worrying more about whether or not Cena is actually going to return at Hell in a Cell or if he’s coming back too soon for his body and our patience to tolerate, I’m going to make a list of suggestions on how John can relax and enjoy life. Here we go.
1. Bug Collection: Forget collecting cars. Cars are expensive, and smelly, and easy to lose in divorce proceedings. But bugs are fun! And scientific! Think about it John, you can expand your mind as you expand your bug collection and learn all there is to learn about the world of bugs. You can be the champ of insect collecting! And the best thing about it is, once you’re done, you can hang that s**t up on the wall and boom, kick ass wall decorations! Come on John, do what’s best for you and go ahead and catch them all!
2. Netflix Marathons: I know making money is important and the WWE has probably been calling you about their sinking ratings in your absence, but you know what else is important? Getting to that next episode of Breaking Bad so you can eventually talk about the finale with all the people on your facebook wall! We live in a brave new world John, one where you can finally watch every episode of Rocko’s Modern Life or Batman Beyond, or tv shows mature adults watch. You should take advantage of this while it lasts, so I suggest you sit back, pop some popcorn and catch up on whatever it is you like on TV before Nikki finds out what you’re doing. Believe me, that part is very important. For every episode of Batman I’ve gotten to watch, I’ve had to listen to like three entire runs of the Korean TV shows my girlfriend likes……there’s a lot of Korean people crying involved in that.
3. Theme Park Month: Dude, you live in Florida. You’re like minutes from the beach and maybe an hour away from some of the biggest, most impressive theme parks on the planet. Go to freakin’ Disneyworld. Buy some mouse ears. Say hi to Shamu at Seaworld while you’re at it. Drink a Butterbeer or two at Universal Studios. Drive a few hours south and you can check out the Everglades National Park, a really cool little piece of nature. I’d wait on that one though, might not be open right now. Better yet, there’s this really cool little indy wrestling show in Winter Park, Florida, that tapes every month. How about becoming an audience regular? It’s pretty cool, you’d like it.
IN OTHER NEWS:
-AJ Lee was pulled from last night’s Raw because she was exhibiting concussion-related symptoms. (WWE.com) As Ms. Lee is easily our favorite female wrestler currently doing the wrestling thing, we at Tuesday headlines would like to wish her a speedy and safe recovery. Random AJ picture:
-Also hit with the injury bug is Alex Shelley, who hurt his back while wrestling for NJPW. No gifs for Mr. Shelley though, not just yet.
-Finally Eva Marie made her wrestling debut last night. I saw about 30 seconds of her fumbling around the ring on youtube and strangely the only question that entered my mind was "What the heck is she wearing?"
And that’s the news, or lack of it. Behave yourselves, buy my freakin’ book please, and enjoy wrestling.