Good morning Humanoids! My name in Lonestar Venture and these are today’s top stories.

WWE filmed Raw last night in the city of Philadelphia, which I like to refer to as that thing I see across the river from my workplace. Other than Jericho vs Fandango being set for Mania as predicted, nothing too crazy happened on the show, at least nothing as crazy as tearing your own butt-hole.

Quick, if you don’t know what I’m talking about guess which famous wrestler tore or otherwise messed up his butt hole over the weekend? Go ahead, I’ll wait.

It was Sean Waltman. Ironically not the Ass-man of DX.

WWE legend Sean Waltman was injured at the Jerry Lynn retirement show on Saturday night in Minneapolis, Minnesota. Waltman attempted doing a Bronco Buster during his match and injured, well, his anus. Source:

The injury occurred during Jerry Lynn’s actual retirement match, a four-way including Lynn and Waltman. I’m going to go out of a limb and assume “broken ass match” probably wasn’t how Lynn wanted it to be remembered.

Waltman went for the Bronco Buster, his opponent moved out of the way and he went flying into the ring post crotch-first. Waltman finished the match and attended the after-party at a local hotel, but had to be hospitalized because he was bleeding excessively.

Just to be super clear about this, X-Pac was bleeding excessively from the butt. Or, he busted his own bronco.

…..I’m not ashamed of that joke, no.

He underwent surgery on Sunday morning. Former WWE Diva Ryan Shamrock accompanied him to the hospital and tweeted:

“We don’t know if there is a medical term for it…but he did a bronco buster last night that literally ripped his ass apart! :-/ Lost a lot of blood! Had surgery this morning and is on the road to recovery! Believe it or not..this has happened to him once before! #wrestling #seanwaltman #xpac @therealxpac#getwellsoonxpac.”

Diagonal mouth emoticon indeed. I imagine breaking one’s ass hurts a lot and while it’s not very nice to make fun of other people’s misfortune….. COME ON PEOPLE! X-Pac tore his butt-hole! A day like this only comes once a millennia!

Seriously though, Mr. Waltman, sir. We here at wish you a speedy recovery from your butt injury. Sit on your throne of pillows, laugh a hearty laugh and be proud.


Arnold Schwarzenegger has revealed that he will induct Bruno Sammartino into the WWE of Fame. And if he does so with an official Turbo-Man action figure I will totally flip my s**t. Seriously, do you know how hard it is to track down one of those? All I can ever find are Boosters…..

Matt Hardy and Reby Sky are now engaged. Lords of Pain I would make a joke here, but maybe if I say something nice they won’t end up on Maury in a few years. Dammit, I went and made one anyway.

Kaitlyn and AJ wrestled last night on Raw and AJ picked up a count-out victory. I’m guessing this means we could see them wrestle at Mania for the Divas title, which would just make me the proudest little NXT season 3 reviewer ever!

And that’s the news. Remember kids, as the Mania fatigue sets in try not to spout too much hyberbole. Repeat after me: it will be all right. Later skaters.