Good Morning Humanoids! My name is Lonestar Labatt Blue and these are….wait, what day is it? Where am I? Why is there a stuffed Fozzy Bear in my living room? Was it all a dream?

If you didn’t catch Raw yesterday the WWE made the shadowy fog of their upcoming WrestleMania mid card a little more defined, declaring certain matches official and revealing pretty obvious directions for other “unattached” wrestlers. Obviously this Mania is going to make money off its two big main event matches alone, but it is nice to see other hard-working superstars doing wrestling stuff on the biggest show of the year. It’ll give something for Andrew Johnson to do before he gets his main event cookie.

So here are the new matches:

The Shield vs Sheamus, Randy Orton, and the Big Show

Any bets on who betrays who? I’m thinking Sheamus, Orton, and Show simultaneously turn on each other at the same time. It’ll be kind of like the ending to Reservoir Dogs, only with less pants.

Ryback vs Mark Henry

I don’t want to call this a hoss fight but…..BRING OUT THE GRAVY, WE GOT OURSELVES A HOSS FIGHT!

Team Hell No vs Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston for the tag titles

I was mentioning to a coworker and fellow fan that AJ has kissed 3 out of the 4 participants in this match. In related news, I’m pretty much jealous of 3 out of the 4 participants in this match.

Maybe Chris Jericho vs Fandango?

I’ve heard a ton of different rumors about who Jericho is supposed to face at Mania this year (Ziggler, Ryback, Henry, Fandango, Barrett and Miz and Cesaro, Stick Stickly) but with their recent confrontation on Raw this seems to be the popular and likely one at the moment. It certainly is unexpected. Not that I don’t think Johnny Curtis Fandango can’t deliver on the big stage, but if you had asked me two months ago who was going to be at WrestleMania, NXT’s bumbling creeper/secretly good wrestler wasn’t on the short-list.

IN OTHER NEWS:

Booker T is newest inductee into the WWE Hall of Fame. That’s pretty awesome. I might not be the best person to ask (my typing wrist looks pretty pasty from here) but Booker has to be considered one of the most successful African-American wrestlers of all time and very deserving of the Hall in general. But don’t insult my intelligence and call him a five time champion. He was champ six times, dammit, and therefore deserves six rings: five covering one hand and an extra for his other pinkie.

The WWE Studios co-produced film The Call made about 17 million dollars this weekend. Indiewire.com The Marine, that John Cena movie that made him salute as a taunt, made about 15 million in its first weekend at the box office. So yes, this lame Halle Berry movie looks like it’ll pass by the most successful WWE Studios movie starring the poster boy for the WWE. Storm on a career slide still officially > John Cena.

TNA filmed like four PPVs in a row over the past few days. Spoilers abound on the interwebs, but instead of ruining what are already non-important PPVs, I’m going to give away the following fake spoilers.

  1. “Wildcat” Chris Harris returned even more portly than last time, made a knock knock joke and promptly disappeared again.
  2. A single elimination tournament occurred between all the wrestlers’ cats. Bully Ray’s 23 pound domestic short hair named “Reuben Sandwich” won the tournament, defeating Hulk Hogan’s Siamese called “Hot Daughter” in the finale.
  3. RVD was overpaid for his services.

And that’s the news! I’d tell you to have a nice weekend but apparently I work Tuesday now. Have a nice Tuesday!

Twitter.com/LonestarTJR