Good morning humanoids! I’m Lonestar Bonaparte Complex and here are today’s top stories.

The big news coming out of the weekend was John Cena working with an injury to his Achilles Tendon. The Canton already covered that for us in yesterday’s headlines. And now, partially because I’m in the process of moving all my crap from one white box in New Jersey to a different white box in New Jersey and partially because there doesn’t appear to be any decent wrestling news anywhere, here are the five most terrible John Cena injury jokes you can make about the whole situation. Feel free to take notes.

1. Forget Superman, the WWE should really just make Cena lead an army against Troy.

2. I guess Nikki Bella’s new boobs were too much for Cena’s pumped-up kicks to handle.

3. Holy crap, Ryback’s so stiff he hurt Cena before they even wrestled.

4. Any use of the phrase “My/His time is now.”

5. See, this is why they’ll never turn Cena heel.


The WWE has plans to air NXT on American TV in the future. ( The Lonestar shed so many manly tears at this news, you have no idea.

The blond chick that seems to be running around as Fandango’s dancer lately is Summer Rae, one of the ladies making waves on NXT. My girlfriend HAAAAAAATES her. And her voice.

The WWE and antiquated internet company Yahoo will partner up for a 30 minute Raw pre-show. (Lordsofpain) Seriously. This is seriously happening.

That’s all folks! Join us again next week when we’ll have a stuttering cat chasing a sassy bird.