So, a couple years ago, Hulk Hogan’s life kinda exploded into a mess of terrible things, including his son almost killing someone, his daughter’s career melting in front of his eyes to the point where she’s about to marry Bubba Ray Dudley on Spike TV, and his wife leaving him and taking everything but his collection of bandanas and Brian Knobbs. As a result, he’s spent the same period of time plotting his way back into relevance through terrible products, pyramid schemes, and even a sex tape (no, I’m not linking that). All of this sort of pales in comparison to the latest update, in which he is suing Dr. Spaceman, or whoever, for ruining his back:

From TMZ:

It was supposed to be the wrestling match to end all wrestling matches -- Hulk Hogan vs. John Cena in a battle royale -- but it was all dashed to pieces thanks to some bogus back surgery ... according to Hulk Hogan ... and it cost him $50 MILLION.

If only it had been Battle Royale, wherein they were dropped on an island with a bunch of Asian teens and bags of weapons in the ultimate Last Man Standing match…

TMZ broke the story ... Hulk filed a $50 million lawsuit against the Laser Spine Institute of Florida -- claiming its doctors duped him into undergoing multiple procedures in 2009 that were completely useless and damaged his career.

The first problem was that Hulk Hogan probably thought he was going to have a LAZER SPINE as a result of his surgeries. The second problem is not going to an actual f**king doctor to have his back fixed. When the Institute’s website has a link for Back Pain Remedies for Dummies, maybe that’s when you should check out other options.

Hulk doesn't explain why he's suing for $50 million in the lawsuit -- but Hulk's legal team (headed by Wil Florin) tells TMZ, the reason for the massive sum is a lucrative "phase out contract" that was torpedoed by the bad surgeries.

He’s suing for $50M because that’s how much money he wants, and it’s a good place to start a negotiation—that’s where my salary negotiation started. It didn’t work out that great for me, but I would be willing to bet that Hulk’s missed out on a few major paydays as a result of not being able to drop his leg on anyone’s face anymore.

According to Hulk's team, the contract outlined a blowout match between Hulk and Cena -- a match that was supposed to be Hulk's career ender -- but thanks to the surgeries, it never happened.

Instead we got a triple threat match between John Cena, Big Show, and Edge that no one remembers because it followed Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker. So WWE should get in on this, too.

Hulk's claiming the contract -- along with subsequent appearance opportunities -- was worth $50 million.

LSI has yet to comment on the litigation.

LSI hasn’t commented because they probably don’t actually exist—it’s just 3 dudes who thought, “You know what would be a cool name for a thing? The LASER SPINE INSTITUTE!” And then Hulk Hogan showed up, so they had to do something.

Anyway, I kinda hope the Hulkster wins, because I feel like he could use a win.

In other news…

Speaking of Hulk Hogan and his daughter, she’s getting married to a guy named Bully Ray tomorrow, I think. In the meantime, “Mr. Ray” is having a bachelor party at Rick’s Cabaret New York, because of course he is. There is an actual press release, which is laughable in itself (you can read it by clicking the link), and it includes photos of a very-happy-to-be-standing-next-to-strippers Bully Ray. I feel sorry for anyone who has to watch that mess. (PWInsider)

Speaking of people who have to watch TNA, Danielle Matheson (who writes the Best and Worst of TNA Impact Wrestling on With Leather) wrote a good piece on how The Rock has made a career out of making people (not just wrestlers) feel terrible about themselves, and it’s worth your time. That is, of course, unless you’re going to read it and comment, “You have a rainbow dick, muffin top!” or whatever. (Walls of Jerichoholic)

Aaaand, speaking of our friends at With Leather, today is Brandon Stroud’s birthday! Happy birthday, Real Friend/Soon-To-Be-Wrestling Bro! To celebrate, you should check out The Best and Very, Very Worst of Vintage WCW Promo Photos – Part 1 (Part 2 is going up later today), as well as his Best and Worst of WWE Raw column, because both are great.

Finally, a possibly intoxicated Kevin Nash said John Travolta is gay, because of course he did, and Dory Funk’s wife said (essentially), “NUH UH! HE IS OUR NEIGHBOR, AND WE HAVE TAKEN PHOTOS WITH HIM, AND THAT COULD NEVER HAPPEN TO US!!” Homophobia is running wild!!! And that’s news, I guess. (Wrestlezone)

That’s all for me this week. YABBA DABBA, Y’ALL!

-Jacob (@chacobian)