Donald Trump is a fartface. Boom. Roasted.

MVP left New Japan, and is trying to launch a TV show—How to Go to Jail. Boom. Roasted.

Vince McMahon hates piledrivers during awesome wrestling matches, but loves The Rock saying senseless garbage because ????? Boom. Roasted?

Ok, that’s enough. There is almost zero wrestling news to come out of the last 24-ish hours that hasn’t already been covered, so I’m stuck with Glenn Beck leftovers (in a minute…) and Justin “Hawk” Bradshaw climbing mountains (for a good cause, I think).

To avoid writing boring paragraphs on “news” I don’t really care about, I just wanted to mention how much I enjoyed Raw’s main even this past Monday. I admit that I do not have the opportunity to watch 20 hours of wrestling every week, and sometimes I skip shows to watch other, more important things, like season 2 of Parks and Recreation on Netflix. But I’m glad I made it home in time to catch this week’s main event between CM Punk and John Cena, because it felt special. Even though 99.9999% of the audience knew who would have his hand raised at the end of that match, those two guys f**king brought it. If you are reading this, and you missed the match, watch it forever. And then stop complaining about John Cena while talking about how great The Rock is. Thank you.

For additional reading, check out this piece, which compares Cena-Punk to Flair-Steamboat. I like it. (The Wrestling Blog)

In other news…

JBL is, in fact, climbing a mountain. Someone call me when he starts for Mount Doom. (411mania)

So, Jack Swagger’s arrest (by my former co-workers) is old news by now, and WWE is trying to get into it with Glenn Beck, who spent a great deal of time talking about how terrible it is for WWE to be mocking the Tea Party, all the while talking about how the Tea Party never says the things Zeb Colter and Jack Swagger say. Sooo…. I dunno, and I don’t particularly care. I actually used to like Glenn Beck, before he went insane and started crying all the time. Now he’s a weirdo who derides things he doesn’t understand, like most people do. And that’s that. If you want to read more about this nonsense, here’s this, I guess. (The Atlantic Wire)

Kurt Angle has 2-3 years left before he calls it quits and starts coaching high school wrestling. I’m pretty sure I haven’t seen a Kurt Angle match since 2007-ish, so I’m not going to cry when he calls it quits. The guy is a beast, but he’s also insane. Go buy his “healthy pizzas,” which definitely are NOT the reason he wrestles in a shirt. (411mania)

If you’re the type who likes to read wrestling stuff here’s a list of books by or about wrestlers, including Lex Luger’s “autobiography,” which is actually the first book to ever have a short story as a title. (PWInsider)

If you’re the type who likes to read other things, my stepdad wrote a book, which is available on Amazon, either as a for real book or an electronic book (still don’t understand). Please buy one for everyone you know so my sisters can go to college and my poor, blind mother doesn’t have to work anymore. (Amazon Dot Com)

That’s all for this week, I guess. If you’re going to WrestleMania, and you want to hang out with Andrew, me, or any of the other guys who are going, let us know. We’ll be happy to take photos with you to show our families that people at least pretend to read things we write about stuff they don’t understand.

-Jacob (@chacobian)