[caption id="attachment_4318" align="aligncenter" width="557" caption="Can you find the real Kane? Answer key below. It might surprise you."][/caption]I don't always get to watch Raw, because in all honesty I'm a pretty busy guy. And with the added stresses and responsibilities that come with the holiday season, I have even less free time then I'd actually like. However, I put aside those responsibilities on Monday night so I could watch the always dreadful and unintentionally hilarious blunder known as the Slammy Awards. It was so absurd and insane it made me wish I was the one writing the Raw Deal. While I don't want to do a full fledged review of Raw (something you can find both here and here by better writers than I) I do have a few thoughts I'd like to share about the show and the return of Kane and his 'new 52' makeover. Bullet points (yay!) after the jump.<!--more-->- How f***king metal was Kane's entrance? He looked like he stepped right out of a GWAR video and into the real world to make your kids crap in their pants.- I can't believe I have to type this, but It's the same guy. It's Glenn Jacobs aka Jacob Goodnight aka Issac Yankem DDS aka Fake Diesel. No, shut up Internet. Shut up. No, listen, I hear what you're saying. SHUT. UP. It's the same guy. Deal with it.- I know there are people that think Kane coming back with a mask is stupid, but if anything this solidifies the fact the character of Kane is only as good as his costume (and I like Kane, but I'm willing to admit that). So instead of worrying about a ridiculous back story about how he accidentally murdered a girl whose corpse would later be dry humped by Triple H, Kane can just go back to being a psychopath who wrecks people until he retires. The only downside I can see is if this pulls X-Pac out of obscurity, and then I'll have to relive 1998.- Speaking of which, I'm fine with the Road Dogg making his one-off appearance on TV, but I really think that should be it. Yes, I liked the Road Dogg during the Attitude Era just like everyone else my age did, but that was when all you needed to be popular was a "South Park" t-shirt and a cool catch phrase that kids could rip-off at pep assemblies. If anything the
riding of the second horseman of the apocalypse return of the Road Dogg is a sign that the third seal has been broken, and we are closer to the Game's design of wrestling oblivion. Triple H's rise to power has been a slow rewind of things he thinks are still popular + his buddies, and I'm worried we're one Billy Gunn away from having a famine. I'm not trying to be dramatic, all I'm saying is that if I see the goddamn Voodoo Kin Mafia in a WWE ring within the next 12 months I am done. - I don't care that it's a wig, it was revealed that his hair was fake all along when he originally unmasked. It's already canon. If anything you should praise WWE for remembering something like that.- Unfortunately while the mask works for me, the rest of the outfit doesn't. I think they were trying to go with a "made it in his basement" look, but it's just so weird. It's like a 4th grade clip-art mess. You have all these weird lines of stitching and that Harlem Heat pant leg just seems out of place. It doesn't look like it was made by Kane in his basement, it looks like it was made by the Kane Who Stole Christmas in a cave with his cartoon dog.- The Slammys were dumb, but they've always been that way. You know what one of the awards was in 1996? "Best Buns." And Yokozuna was nominated. I don't care that it was supposed to be ironic. No, you shut up.- A lot of people are criticizing the WWE for having "made up" awards. This is pretty stupid, because all awards are made up. Were some of you under the impression that there are awards out there that have been bequeathed to us mortals by the Gods? Surprise, all awards are made by human beings trying to honor other human beings by picking their favorite human being and praising them for something they did. It's all pandering bullshit. It's as dumb as calling the old WWF title design the "winged eagle" belt. All eagles have wings, unless they were in some sort of tragic eagle/jet turbine accident.- That being said, the fact that Snooki won "A-Lister Of The Year" tells me that WWE doesn't really know what an A-lister is.So the Slammy's have come and gone, and once again they won't have any lasting impact, other than the slew of Internet fans that aren't done writing about how stupid the Slammy's are in their blogs (oh hello, mirror). What will last though is the new direction the Kane character has taken, and it's even being reported that the mask might have been brought back for a reason.From NoDq:
One reason for Kane resurfacing with a mask is because WWE officials are looking to set a new Guinness World Record for the "largest gathering of people wearing costume masks" at WrestleMania XXVIII in Miami, Florida. The current record was set May 10, 2011 during a Major League Baseball game between the Los Angeles Angels and the Chicago White Sox at Angel Stadium of Anaheim when roughly 25,000 fans donned red Lucha masks during a designated ten minute time period.Because nothing says "family fun" like a bunch of kids wearing masks that make their faces look like they've been horrifically burned. I love you WWE. You're the fun, but slightly unhinged and dangerous uncle to both the sports and entertainment worlds.