Happy Independence Day Humanoids/Happy Drunk American Day Humanoids! I’m Andrew Johnson Lonestar Tanahashi and these are today’s top stories.

Imagine if you will, the Rock. You know him? Big name actor (cough name a good Rock movie cough), legendary WWE superstar, secretly still a 14 year old boy? Well, Mr. Rock is currently filling his time between his main event win at Wrestlemania 28 and his main event win at Wrestlemania 29 by shooting a bunch of movies. At the moment he is filming Pain and Gain with Mark Wahlberg. Mr. Wahlberg, being a family man, brought his sons to the set and introduced him to the great one.

“He (The Rock) gives my one son a high five and then the next one he goes to give him a high five and my son punched him right in the [crotch]” Mark told Starpulse.com. “I’m like, ‘What are you doing, dude?” Source: Rajah.com

The easiest and fastest joke: Mark Wahlberg’s 3 year old son is a John Cena fan.

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Thank you, thank you, you’re welcome Jacob Lindsey.

IN OTHER NEWS:

Bruno Sammartino, who our sources say was an important wrestler in the medieval era, recently refused an offer to be inducted into the WWE Hall of Fame. Rajah.com I am so bored by that news that I can’t even funny right now. Quick, somebody throw a pie!

Ring of Honor Wrestling, that one wrestling fed hanging upside down from the glass ceiling of wrestling feds, now has a new world television champion in Adam Cole. Rohwrestilng.com You might remember Adam Cole as the guy who got his face smashed in at a recent ROH iPPV or as the bloody wrestler pictured on our website over the past couple weeks. When asked to comment on his recent title win Mr. Cole said, “……huh? I won? Where am I?” before drooling and mumbling something about the day Shaquille O’ Neal left the Orlando Magic.

The WWE has announced that next week’s Smackdown taping in Colorado Springs has been cancelled and that there will be a double taping with Raw on Monday. Rajah.com This is because Colorado is straight up on fire. Seriously, people are being evacuated. It’s kinda bad. No word yet on what Bobby Lashley is going to do about it. When reached for comment the Blood-Hound Gang stated that they would simply do nothing.

If you hadn’t already noticed, everyone and their mother is starting to return from injury/suspension fest 2012. Expect Rey Mysterio, Mark Henry and Wade Barrett to return soon. Rajah.com Despite what was previously stated, don’t expect Shelton’s mama.

Armando Alejandro Estrada has been released from his contract with the WWE. Lords of Pain What, you didn’t know Estrada was under contract? Apparently neither did the WWE, because they only used him on one show in an eighteen month period. In related news, JTG remains employed.

And that’s the news. To all my fellow Americans out there remember that no matter what happens today large animals do not like the sound of fireworks being set off in the vicinity of their asses and will accordingly stomp you into the ground in retaliation. Believe me. Stay safe and have fun.

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