I really hate the Slammy Awards.  A lot.

I am getting the chance to attend Smackdown this week in Portland. I feel lucky. I dodged the bullet of seeing through a ridiculous three-hour award show in Seattle by one night. My condolences are with my Seattle wrestling friends.

I am trying to be a more positive wrestling fan in this dark time and then the WWE shows up with their annual pain that is watching them give out fake awards to themselves. We have a pay-per-view to prepare for but instead we will waste most of the show with a bunch of Slammy awards with silly category names.

With that in mind, I present my laundry list of reasons I hate the Slammy Awards. Here are a few of my least favorite things about this annual nightmare:

 

Giving Yourself Awards is Ridiculous                                               

The Oscars. The Emmys. The Grammys. The Golden Globes. What do all these awards have in common? They have organizations and a committee of voters who nominate and hand out the awards. They are not an organization handing out awards to themselves like the WWE. What is the problem with handing out awards to yourself?

 

Nominations are Usually the Wrong Choices and Very Political

The problem of handing out your own awards is you don’t have the oversight of unbiased outside voices that help in putting the correct nominations. If you need an example, look no further then the 2013 Match of the Year nominees:

Undertaker vs. CM Punk (WrestleMania 29)

The Rock vs. John Cena (WrestleMania 29)

Triple H vs. Brock Lesnar (Extreme Rules)

The Rhodes Brothers vs. The Shield (Battleground)

With the exception of Undertaker vs. CM Punk, I doubt any wrestling fan would have any of those matches on their top five of the year list.  Just because it is the main event of WrestleMania, doesn’t mean it is match of the year. It isn’t even the best match of their feud. Brock Lesnar had a vastly superior match this year versus CM Punk at Summerslam. Are we also forgetting the main event of Summerslam WWE?

This points to the issue of handing out awards to yourself and picking the nominees. It becomes an exercise in patting yourself on the back. Daniel Bryan is arguably the best worker in the company right now but since he seems to have become the scapegoat for the drop in ratings, his quality work is ignored. Triple H, the boss, rewards himself with Match of the Year honors when he isn’t worthy of even the top ten matches of the year. Quality isn’t rewarded with the Slammys, just company loyalty and whom they want to push at that given time. Truth!

 

The WWE Thinks They Are Funny

The WWE uses the Slammys to talk about how funny they are. This comes in two ways. It terms of terrible award category names and recently with their LOL Moment of the Year Award.

If you look back at the “illustrious” history of the awards, we have some amazing award titles. We have “Best Personal Hygiene”, “Best Head”, “Blue Light Special for Worst Dresser”, “Best Bow Tie”, “OMG Moment of the Year”, “Raw Guest Host of the Year”, “Most Menacing Haircut”, “Oh Snap Meltdown of the Year”, and “WWE A-Lister of the Year” to name a few in the horrifying history of the Slammy Awards.  Sure the WWE has had legitimate awards too but having constant silly categories certainly doesn’t help make the awards seems like anything more then a colossal waste of time.

In 2012, the WWE started a category called “LOL Moment of the Year” for their funniest moment. When they didn’t give it to Kane and Daniel Bryan last year for their actually funny Anger Management skits, I knew were their humor level fell. Well to be fair, I know that from watching their show over the last 15 years too.

But this year’s nominees show their lack of humor that we have to painfully come to expect from the WWE.  This year’s nominees are: The Rock Concert from Raw, Vickie being fired, Titus throwing up and a Snake Charming of the Santino’s Cobra. I was trying to block out the Cobra thing out of my long-term memory. Also, if vomiting becomes Titus’ new gimmick, I think I might just scream at the television. Vomiting is never funny WWE, it is time to accept it.

 

Give Awards Based on a Match

What is the point of giving out fake awards based on scripted matches? I honestly don’t know. But the WWE has done this before during the Slammy Awards.

In 2009, the WWE had a “tournament” to determine the Superstar of the Year and John Cena won. Huh? We had a one-night tournament to determine who is the best superstar of year. This doesn’t take into account the really got work throughout the year. John Cena, by the way, has been the Superstar of the Year three of the five times since the awards are brought back since 2008. The rich get richer.

The WWE also gave out “Diva of the Year” once with a Battle Royal to Michelle McCool in 2010.  What a shocker this is to me. Michelle McCool remains the world’s luckiest and youngest retiree.

Vince McMahon’s Stand Back

But what I hate most about the Slammy Awards is Vince McMahon singing “Stand Back” at the 1987 Slammy Awards. I guess it was the right degree of cheesy for the mid-1980’s.  The 1980’s are long over. But the reason I hate this moment is because of Chris Jericho.

In May 2001, Jericho used the clip to embarrass Vince McMahon during their feud. Then it never stopped. Virtually every face character that has feuded with Vince McMahon since has used that cheesy song. They have used it over and over again. The WWE has always been one to run a joke into the ground. I am assuming we will see it tonight as a reminder of how laughably bad a fake awards show can truly be.

 

Conclusion:

So to all my wrestling fans it Seattle, I am sorry. Sorry you paid the big bucks to watch the WWE hand out fake awards to their superstars and divas that are at that current moment favored by management. I look forward to many cheesy jokes and Vince McMahon “Stand Back” references. Sigh.

Next week, I will do a review of WWE Smackdown from Portland, Oregon. I haven’t seen a Smackdown live in nearly seven years. I am wondering what the experience will be like in these dark days of the “B” show.

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Feel free to contact me at lasher@pacificu.edu.  Additionally, I have my Twitter account @WWELasher as well. I would love to hear your thoughts about the Slammy Awards.