Welcome to yet another installment of your favorite non-WWE, non-ROH, non-Headlines, column, WTF! As usual, I am here to take you on a delightful journey through the whimsical musings of some severely messed up minds! Oh, you say that this was all planned out by people who know what the business needs? Well, then, let me pour me some sambuca, because it’s going to be a looooong night.
As per the norm, Impact opens with a video package. This one is about Hogan (of course) and his crazy whacked out moves as GM. You know what bothers me? The fact that the package opens with the Looking-More-Mortal-Every-Day One saying that he listens to the fans, and ends with him making the Team Garett /Team Eric match for Lockdown. Maybe it’s just me, but if Hogan is listening to the fans, then his hearing aid is way lower than it should be. Putting Eric Bischoff’s no-talent, crazy-sideburn having son in a high profile match is the worst possible idea ever, almost as bad as asking Mike Tyson to spell the word “Mike.” After the video package, we are greeted by Big Daddy Bischoff.
Sleazy E gets on the mic and is greeted by a healthy “You suck” chant. Is it me, or are the Impact crowds getting more vocal. Also, a nice “we don’t care” chant. I wonder if Hogan is listening to the fans now. Bischoff is saying that his name will live on. Oh please, no. Bischoff says he has the ability to lead men, and proves it by saying he has the best team ever: Bully Ray, Kazarian, Daniels, and Gunner. Bully Ray says that he wants to call out Eric for his one mistake – Garett. Oh, Bully, you card you. Anyway, there is a nice “We want AJ” chant, and then Garett Bischoff’s music hits, and I got bored. What a charisma-less tool this guy is. If he had any less charisma, only the kid from the Sixth Sense would see him. Garett comes out and my TV stopped working in HD.
Garett introduces the first member of his team – Mr. Anderson. Well, that was anti-climatic. Either way, he has a match with Gunner, and its next.
Match 1: Gunner vs. Mr. Anderson
This is the first match of a best of three series to see who has the man advantage in the Lethal Lockdown match. You know what? This match was not as bad as it could have been – until Mr. Anderson got DQ’d for not adhering to the ref’s five-count. No, really. Oh, and I think that if TNA is interested in pushing Gunner, they need to get him into a feud with someone that could make him look good, like Kurt Angle. A guy like Anderson is not the best. What a ho-hum start to the show.
Match Rating: * ½
After a commercial, EY is in the locker room, getting ready for his wedding. He is interrupted by Abyss, who is still looking for himself. I think this is one of the most ridiculous things I have ever seen in my life. Does TNA really expect us to believe that not one person has ever seen Abyss without his mask, and couldn’t tell that the man in front of them is Abyss, and not his “brother?” It’s insulting to those who have half a brain.
Back in the ring, we have The Motor Coty Machine Guns. Apparently they have a match against the JoeNus brothers at Lockdown, despite never having any interaction with them at all. I guess beating Mexican America makes you #1 contender. Damn, does that mean INS gets a shot next week? Sabin and Shelley talk about wrestling around the world and beating some big name teams. They are then joined by the JoeNus brothers. Magnus gets on the mic and praises Sabin’s return from injury. They look to throw down with each other when they are interrupted by Mexican America. Anarquia does all the talking, and he says that since they were tag champs for six months, they need to be part of the equation. The JoeNus Brothers and the Guns take turns make each member of Mexican America their personal bitch. Well, that just kills what was once a strong tag-team division. They only thing they can do right now is to see if Awesome Aries can tag with himself, and build the division back that way. Oh, and I don’t know anything about Anarquia, but he has the worst Spanish “voice” I have ever heard. He sounds like every white guy who has picked up a Spanish-to-English dictionary ever.
After a commercial, we have our second match.
Match 2: Daniels vs. Awesome Aries
Holy Shit! This is the second of the best-of-three series, so that means that A-Double is on team Garett. I feel really dirty for writing that. Having Aries on team Garett is like Keanu Reeves directing a movie with Robert DeNiro. Anyway, I am going to try and enjoy this match. You know what surprised me about this match? That it was very good AND it had a clean finish. Seriously, this is what gives me hope about this company. If they put the focus on these guys more, fans wouldn’t constantly bash the product. I wish this match was longer, obviously, but I have reserved myself to the fact that I will never get more than a 5-6 minute match on Impact. Maybe it leads to a feud between both men. Aries picked up the win with his brainbuster to even up the best-of-three series at one apiece.
Match Rating: ***
After a commercial, we are greeted by Jeff Hardy. He’s on the mic saying that this Sunday Angle has nowhere to hide and they will make history. Nothing spectacular.
They show footage from last week of James Storm and his country music buddies, Montgomery Gentry vowing revenge on Roode for attacking them. Then they went to get beers.
Backstage, EY is getting ready for his wedding when he is approached my Sarita and Rosita, who basically throw themselves at EY. EY tells them that he’s in love and that’s it. He leaves, and men around the country just collectively face palmed.
After a commercial, we have the wedding. Yay!
Oh, this is fantastically cheesy! There’s even an R & B song playing over highlights of the courtship/engagement. They exchange some ridiculous vows, and when the pastor asks if there are any objection, out come Sarita and Rosita to slut it up. They tempt EY by doing a striptease – complete with porn music – and then ODB strips out of her gown. EY then strips down to his underwear. Then they make the pastor strip to his underwear. He asks EY if he takes ODB to be his wife. Nice “YES!” chants. He does. The pastor asks ODB the same. More “Yes!” chants. She does. They make out. No, I did not make any of that up.
Backstage, Bully Ray is getting a pep talk from his team for his upcoming match.
After a commercial, Bobby Roode is backstage with his security team. He says he heard that Storm wants to talk to him later, in the ring. Roode says he is fine with that.
Then we have our next match.
Match 3: Bully Ray vs. AJ Styles
Ok, so Team Garett is Mr. Anderson, AJ Styles, AND Awesome Aries. This reminds me of that Simpsons episode when Ralph kept picking all the Major League Players against Bart. How does any of their involvement make Garett look good? And why do I think this ends with a Garett heel turn? I really do. Each team is out to support their fellow team member. I wonder if there will be any shenanigans. Wow, halfway through the match, and we have a BRAWL FOR NO REASON! Seriously. This leads to Bully hitting AJ with a chain for the win. Team Eric has the man advantage at Lockdown.
Match Rating **
Post Match, Hogan comes out and reverses the decision! Or at least that’s what he should have done, especially since he reversed the decision last week to give Mr. Anderson a victory over Bobby Roode. I mean it’s not like it happened that long ago. Unfortunately, Captain Rent-A-Center just announces that the cage match will be 5-on-5 match, and he will give Eric “three minutes” to name his other guy. Yet another nod to WWE? This is why TNA will never have its own identity.
After a commercial, Hogan is asking Bischoff who his fifth man is. Bischoff says he is the fifth man, thinking Hogan will be the fifth man for team Eric. Hogan says that he is not the fifth man, but Garett was given a heads up. With his fifth pick, Ralph Wiggum picks….Jose Conseco! No, really, he picks RVD! I think I marked out a bit. I was not expecting that at all. Way to surprise us, TNA. I mean that.
After a commercial, they do a PPV rundown. Here it is, with my picks:
Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim for the Knockouts Title: Velvet Sky
MCMG vs. JoeNus Brothers for the Tag team Titles: MCMG
Morgan vs. Crimson: Crimson
Hardy vs. Angle: Hardy
Team Eric vs. Team Garett: Garett (ugh)
James Storm vs. Bobby Roode for the TNA world Title: Storm
We then have our next match,
Match 4: Mickie James/Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim/Madison Rayne
This was not a bad match. It was short though, but like I stated earlier, TV matches don’t get too much time. Velvet pinned Gail Kim after hitting her “In Your Face” finisher. That’s a terrible name for a move by the way. Which do you think is a worse name, Velvet’s finisher or Gail Kim’s “Eat De-feet?” Anyway, the Knockouts reminded us this time how much better they are than the Divas division. Oh, and they’re hot, too.
Up next is our “Lockdown Showdown.”
James Storm is out first, followed by Bobby Roode, who comes out with his security team. Storm was on the mic first. He reminisces about traveling the world with Roode by his side, and how they said they would wrestle for the world title some day. He also talked about kicking ass with Roode and then drinking some beer. The crowd chants “Beer, Beer.” Roode gets on the mic and says he has a lot of fond memories of Beer Money, but he has one more thing he’s proud of, and that was the Bound for Glory series. He says he won the series by beating the guy that eliminated Storm from the series. Bobby said that while he was winning the BFG series, Storm was doing nothing but sitting in the back. Roode said he went on to BFG, but lost his match. Storm tells Roode that he beat the guy that beat Roode in record time to become the new Heavyweight Champion. Roode reminds Storm that Storm’s title reign was so short, because Roode defeated Storm for the title two weeks later. Roode says that was a great night, because that was the night he became the leader of the Selfish Generation. Storm says he remembers that night because that’s the night Roode not only ended the legacy that was Beer Money, but the night Roode destroyed a friendship. Roode gets angry. He tells Storm that they were never friends. He says that when they met ten years ago, they hated each other and that the only reason Beer Money was successful was because their passion for wrestling was so strong. He said that the stories of their friendship were all lies, and that they never got a long. Roode says that Storm got famous and fed his family by riding on Roode’s talents, and that Storm was jealous of Roode.
Storm gets mad. He says he has nothing to be jealous of. He says where he comes from, family and friends still mean something. Stirm says that you don’t sell your friends out for money, which Roode did. Storm says that he does this for the love of the business. Storm says that he’s tired of the trip down memory lane. He says that at Lockdown, they step in the cage and beat the shit out of each other, and they will do it in Nashville, James Storm’s home town. Roode says he doesn’t give a damn about Tennessee, or Storm’s “redneck wife and hillbilly children.” Wow. That was a good line. Storm takes of his jacket ready for a fight. Storm says that Roode won’t need any damn luck, he’s gonna need a damn miracle. Roode says that Storm likes saying that, but with Storm’s history and having two dead brothers and a dead father, that Storm will need all the luck he can get. Impact ends with the two of them standing head to head, seemingly about to fight.
Holy shit that promo was intense. That was one of the best sell jobs for a PPV main event I have ever seen. They both played their parts really well, and they made me wish I was going to be home in time to stream the PPV. Overall though, the episode was not that bad. The matches were all pretty solid, and they all did their job hyping the PPV. I’m not a fan of having Garett highlighted like he is, but for tonight’s show, that’s only a minor gripe. Big surprise with the return of RVD tonight as well. It also made sense for him to comeback since it was Gunner who took him out. Again, this was one of the better episodes of Impact in awhile, and it’s one of those episodes that give me hope that they can turn things around. A special nod to the crowd as well. They were hot all night, which is something you hardly see at Impact. I think they had some people left over from the WM crowd. The chants were awesome, including the “YES!” ones during the EY/ODB wedding. I really liked this episode.
Overall Rating: 6.5/10
That’s it for me this week. I’ll be back on Tuesday for Headlines with the man called Mike. Until then, um, I don’t know, hang tight I guess.
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