Welcome to this week’s edition of WTF! Sorry I missed last week, but work and stuff got in the way. I do apologize to those who missed me last week. I guarantee that will never happen again.*
*not a guarantee
Impact opens with a video package of the oh-so-compelling Bischoff/Bischoff storyline. Oh look, TNA wrestlers shoved Papa Bischoff into a Port-a-Potty. You think that it’s some sort of symbolic revenge on Eric, who has pretty much put this company in the crapper? Poetic Justice if you ask me.
We then cut to the ring where Ric Flair is standing. Oh damn. I do not have high hopes for this at all. Please let this go quickly. Shit, he’s talking about Hogan. He says Hogan thinks he will always be a bigger star than Flair, and that Hogan treats Flair like a pawn. He says that he is Ric G-O-D Flair. Flair, the only thing you have in common with God is your age. Anyway, Flair says that Hogan shouldn’t piss off a man in a $1000 shirt, $2000 dollar shoes, and a $500 belt. (Insert your own Flair can’t handle money joke here) He also mentions his HOF rings. Well, thanks for reminding the fans what you used to be. He calls out Hogan.
Hogan comes out and Flair calls it Good vs. Evil, with Hogan being good, and Flair being Evil. Hogan says that Bischoff should be called the evil one. I’m going to see if I can post this promo. It took a weird turn that I can’t explain, but ended with Flair becoming a judge for the “Gut Check” thing. It was a weird segment.
After a commercial, Velvet is with Assmacher. Velvet says that Gail Kim is a cheater, and eventually, she will beat Gail for the KO title. Assmacher says she has pinned Gail twice, and tonight she will make it three times. We then have our first match.
Match 1: Gail Kim/Madison Rayne vs. Velvet Sky/Assmacher
Well, I have never been this bored by hot women before. I don’t know what it was, but usually these Knockouts have better matches. It just seemed like they were going through the motions. Assmacher picked up the win on Gail after Assmacher hit Gail’s finisher on Gail. At least they’re hot, right?
Match Rating: *
After a commercial, they showed a clip of an old Jeff Jarrett vs. Raven match from 2003. It’s to celebrate their ten year anniversary. Even back then it was a clusterfuck. This just made me realize how much I don’t miss Double J.
Back in the Impact Zone, RVD is standing in the ring. He says that he knows the fans love him, and have been entertained by him over the years. RVD says that he doesn’t have to9 tell us how great he is, but he will. He does his little spiel about being the whole F’N show, and Mr. PPV, and all that. He is then interrupted by Bobby Roode. Roode says that RVD sounds over confident. Roode does his usual spiel of being the leader of the selfish generation, and the IT factor, and all that jazz. They are out there to pick each other’s opponents for tonight. RVD picks Mr. Anderson for Roode, and Roode picks Hardy for RVD. Guess which match I’m looking forward to the most?
After a commercial, we have our next match.
Match 2: Robbie T. vs. Devon for the Television Championship
I am really glad that they are doing the weekly challenge for the TV title. It adds a little prestige to it, and if done right, could be used to elevate a young guy. This is TNA though, so I don’t expect too much out of it. I could be surprised though. This was a short match, thankfully because I can’t stand Robbie T., and it ended in a DQ when Robbie E. smacked Devon in the head with his clipboard. Yawn.
Match Rating: *
Backstage, Flair and Al Snow are talking about being judges for Gut Check, when Al introduces the surprise third judge, the “Senior Vice President of Talent Relations”, Bruce Prichard. Wow. They will copy just about anything. I can’t wait until they debut their former MMA champ, Bork Laser. Seriously, that would be hilarious.
After a commercial, they air a clip of the talent they are evaluating, Alex Silva. Then they have Snow, Flair, and Prichard evaluating. I am not sure how this is supposed to work, if it’s a shoot or a work, or whatever, but it’s interesting. Flair is the heel of the group and he completely buries the kid. And he puts over the HOF rings again. They didn’t even come up with a decision. What a waste of time.
After a commercial, Hogan and Anderson are talking. Hogan tells Anderson that RVD picked him to fight Roode tonight. Hogan makes it No DQ. Anderson is all happy and then he and Hogan do Anderson’s catchphrase. We then have our next match.
Match 3: RVD vs. Jeff Hardy
I really wanted this to be a good match, but the powers that be in TNA decided that they needed a slow paced match between two if their better high flyers. Also, they decided that they needed Bobby Roode to interfere and hit Hardy with the belt, allowing RVD to get the win, because having RVD pick up a win that would actually make him look strong is apparently something that TNA is not interested in. Oh, and Baby Hepner had one of the most ridiculous moments in referee history, when he dove out of the way of Jeff Hardy, which led to him not seeing the interference by Roode. Can this company do anything to entertain me tonight?
Match Rating: * ½
Backstage, Bully Ray is walking and he happens upon Joseph Parks, who is really Chris Parks, who is really Abyss, but fuck you fans. Parks says he knows Bully had something to do with Abyss’ disappearance. Bully threatens him. The segment ends. The villagers rejoice.
After a commercial, we have the highlights of Bischoff getting thrown in the Port-A-Potty. Then we have a Jeremy Borash promo. He rips Bischoff apart until he is interrupted by Bully Ray. Bully grabs Borash by tie and drags Borash to the ring. Bully is protecting the good name of Bischoff, by the way. Bully Ray says he’s tired of the anti-bullying campaigns. He says that there should be a new cause: “Stop being a bitch and stand up for yourself” He tells Borash that he knows Borash wants to hit him. Awesome Aries’ music hits, and out comes the X-division champ. He says that Bully Ray called him out on the one thing he can, his size. Aries says that Bully says things like “I’ve taken craps bigger than you” and “I’ve eaten chicken wings bigger than you.” Aries says he believes him, because before he was Bully Ray, he was “Blubber Ray” and was “a big, fat, pasty poster boy for all-you-can-eat buffets and Type-2 diabetes.” And that is why Aries is Awesome. Bully knocks the microphone and berates Austin for being too small and being a champion of small, insignificant men. Bully spits in Aries’ face and Aries goes after him. He really goes off too. Bully was bleeding at the end of this. Aries gets pulled off by security, and Bully kicks Aries in the nuts. This was the best segment on the show so far. This feud has so much going for it, and is being built fantastically.
Backstage, Daniels and Kazarian say that they have a tag title match at Sacrifice, and that after they win the titles, they will show the world what they have on AJ. Kurt Angle, who was tying his shoes or something, tells them both to shut up. He says he doesn’t care about the blackmail; he just cares about making AJ tap out. He then walks off, yelling “Gosh”.
After a commercial, Roode cuts a promo saying that he has no problem beating Anderson again, and then warns Hogan that he took out the last guy in charge, Sting. Then we have our next match.
Match 4: Angle/Kaz/Daniels vs. AJ Styles/the JoeNus Brothers
I really like the JoeNus Brothers team. They seem to have a great chemistry together, despite being thrown together. Plus, it gives Joe a nice coherent storyline for a change. And the match was three minutes. Angle had Styles in the Angle lock, when Kaz made a blind tag. Kaz and Daniels argued a bit in the corner and then were knocked out by Joe. Styles then hit the Clash on Kaz for the win. These matches tonight don’t have a chance to get going, do they?
Match Rating: * ½
Post match, Angle yells at Daniels, and then disappears completely as Daniels announces that next week, he will show the world what he has over AJ.
After a commercial, the three Gut Check judges are in the ring. They are going to waste my time announce if Alex Silva has a contract. They call out Silva. They really draw this out. Somewhere, the Motor City Machine Guns don’t give a shit about Alex Silva. This reminds me of Tough Enough, but without me caring as much. Silva is about to be eliminated, but they let him cut a promo, and then he wins his contract. He cries, mostly because he has just realized that no one will ever see him wrestle.
After that debacle, we have our final match of the evening.
Match 5: Mr. Anderson vs. Bobby Roode
Well, it’s another case of short match syndrome here in Impact, although this got about six minutes. It is also another case of “how many cheap wins can we give Bobby Roode?” Plus, there was a run-in by Jeff Hardy, which led to Roode getting the win in a boring match that didn’t have time to become a good match. Hmm, that sounds familiar.
Match Rating: *
Post-match, Roode attacked Anderson and Hardy, before RVD came down for the save. Roode runs off, but then sneaks in when RVD turns his attention to Hardy, and takes out RVD as well. That’s how the show ends.
This was a waste of television time. The show started off on a low note, and never really became much of anything, save for the Aries appearance. Plus, I think Hogan was seen or mentioned in every segment tonight, and that made me so mad. He is clearly not the solution that TNA needs, but he is the one they deserve, especially if they aren’t going to do anything to change their ways. In a couple of months TNA is celebrating 10 years of operation. After watching this, I am wondering how they lasted so long. They appear to be inept at every corner, and they can’t seem to hold onto any momentum they build at all. If they are not careful, they won’t be celebrating an 11th year.
Overall Analysis: 2/10
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