Welcome to another fun filled week of old men in tights: Impact wrestling. As always, I am your purveyor of the weird; your guide through this vast wasteland of misused talent and mediocre writing. This is also the lead in show for the Genesis PPV, so logic dictates that this has to be good, right? Right?
Magical Narrator Man opens the show as per usual, and he takes us through the current storylines, starting with the world title situation, moving to the Hogan waste of time, and ending with the Sting return and the unveiling of Mike Knox. So, what they are telling me is that the World Title is less important than the Geriatric Duo? Gee, thanks TNA!
In the Impact Zone, Todd Keneley welcomes us, and then the music of Sting hits, and I immediately reach for my bottle of Jack. It looks like it’s going to be one of those days. Sting is with Kurt Angle and Samoa Joe. Sting says that he said he’s back and he brought his friends Big Black Bat, Shooter (Angle), and Killer (Joe). Samoa Joe says that he was out numbered in the cage last week, but he wasn’t undone. He says that Aces and Eights will learn that when you mess with Joe, you will get choked out. Angle is on the Mic, and he says that he made a promise to unmask all the members of A&E, but now he wants to address the actions of Mr. Anderson, so he calls him out.
Anderson comes out and asks the men in the ring where they were when Anderson was getting attacked by A&E. He says that no one came to his rescue, especially since he was on his way to stand shoulder to shoulder with Sting. He says that not only did Sting leave him, but he was replaced by Bully Ray. Anderson that he doesn’t know what they’re problem is. Angle says that he doesn’t have a problem, but it’s really simple: Either Anderson is with them, or they are going to fight. Anderson gets into the ring and stares into Angle’s eyes. How lovely. Anderson says he never liked Angle, and Angle says that the feeling is mutual, and punches Anderson. Anderson retreats form the ring. I liked Anderson’s promo; he was very passionate about being left in the back. More of that please.
The announcers welcome us to Impact and announce that Gut Check returns tonight, and for the first time ever it’s going to be two contestants fighting each other. That should be a classic match. Where’s my Jack?
They air a promo of one of the guys in the match, Jay Bradley. He is from Chicago and at the end of his promo, he says that he watched guys he has broken in with become some of the best in the world. Is that a CM Punk reference? Does anyone really care?
In the parking lot, Brooke Hogan arrives in a golf cart and is immediately asked about her father’s reaction. She says that they’re going to air their dirty laundry in public – again – and that this time her father will listen. The way she said it was like she had no choice but to do it on television, which made my brain hurt. That’s a comment you make to a random fan on the street, not on the show that you are appearing on. You’re an idiot.
After a commercial, we have our first match/
Match 1: Zema Ion vs. Kenny King
This is a match in the X-Division tournament that seems to be a way to set-up Kenny King vs. RVD for the X-Division title. This was an ok match, but seeing as they gave them about three minutes, it wasn’t special, like a tournament match should be. It’s ok, gotta make room for those Hogan segments. King won with his finisher, the Royal Flush. Google it if you want to see it. It’s a pretty impressive looking move.
After the match, King says that at Genesis he will be the new X-Division champion. I hope he is.
Backstage, Robbie E. is talking to someone about having a terrible few weeks, and that he needs a partner for an inter-gender match he was challenged to by Jesse and Tara. The camera pulls back to reveal he was talking to Mrs. Ass. She says that Robbie E. disgusts her, but she will agree to the match if she can team with Big Rob. In case you didn’t know, Robbie E. and Mrs. Ass are dating in real life, which is just another reason for me to hate Robbie E.
After a commercial, we see Joseph Park outside the Impact Zone. He says that he worked hard at OVW, and that when he speaks to Hogan, it’s not going to be an attorney, but as a wrestler, because near forty year old man can become a trained wrestler in four weeks. Billy Graham should rant on that.
Match 2: Jesse/Tara vs. Robbie T/Mrs. Ass
The match was only two minutes long, maybe, and Robbie T. won it with a power bomb on Jesse before dancing with, and then kissing, Mrs. Ass. Now I hate both Robbies more. I do like that they are trying to get Robbie T. to show some personality. We all know he needs that.
Next up is a video package of the other guy in the Gut Check match tonight, Brian Cage. He’s from California, and I hope he wrestles better than he talks.
After a commercial, we have the Gut Check match.
Match 3: Brian Cage vs. Jay Bradley
You know what’s funny? How the crowd cheered for Cage, but booed Bradley. It’s like there is a light that tells the audience what to do. There’s no way they could know who these guys are enough to have an emotional connection with them. Bradley won with a Lariat, which really looked devastating.
In the A&E clubhouse, the gang is chilling with their prostitutes when Anderson says that he’s mad and wants to show Angle what’s what. VP says that its club business and they should take it to the table. They go to the table and the only thing they discuss is Mike Knox losing his mask and having to earn back his spot. That was it. Nothing about Anderson, or Angle. These guys really know their priorities.
We see Park on his way to the ring to talk to Hogan. Then it’s commercial time.
After the commercial, Park is in the ring. He says that he is back form wrestling camp, and that he wants to talk to the GM, Mr. Hulk Hogan. Hogan’s music hits, and out comes our GM. Park thanks Hogan for inspiring him and motivating him to become a wrestler. Hogan is about as interested in this as I am. Hogan seems dismissive of Park, so when Park asked him for a match, Hogan just relented and agreed to give Park a match against A&E. Park hugs Hogan and leaves. Brooke appears on the screen and says that she has been calling and texting her dad and he hasn’t returned her calls. She says that apparently Hogan wants to handle this in public, so she’s on her way out…right after this commercial. I take back what I said before about Brooke’s comments. Apparently, she’s just fed up with her dad being an attention whore.
Back from break, Brooke finally makes her way to the ring. She asks Hogan if he’s going to reinstate “Mark”. That’s Bully Ray for you. Hogan says no, and that’s that. Segment ends. That was not worth the wait, guys.
Backstage, Aries and Roode are making their way to the ring for their tag match against Hardy and James Storm. They argue comically about wearing their new shirts, but they agree to put aside their personal issues to handle their business. Then they argue about their shirts again. I don’t know what they have planned for these two, but if they name them Team “Heck Yeah’ then I’ll complain loudly whoever will listen.
They air a video with Aries and Hardy talking about each other and how they each will win the title at Genesis. No Bobby Roode in this video though.
Then we have our next match.
Match 4: Awesome Aries/Bobby Roode vs. Jeff Hardy/James Storm
I am a fan of all four guys, so this was fun to watch. I really liked the “anything you can do, I can do better” dynamic exhibited by Roode and Aries. They definitely have comedic chemistry together. The finish came after Storm was jumped by Bad Influence, and even thought the referee saw it, the DQ didn’t happen until Aries hit Hardy with the title belt. Both guys take turns holding up one of Hardy’s titles (He has his divas title monstrosity also) before fighting over the real belt. This should be a good match at Genesis.
Backstage, Brooke is on the phone with Bully and tells him that it’s not a good idea for him to come to the Impact Zone. Well, duh. He’s suspended. Who does he think he is, John Cena? Apparently that answer is yes, because Bully is on his way to the Zone. Yay?
After a commercial, Joey and Ryan are in their trailer cutting a promo about Chavo and Hernandez. We see the two Latinos outside. They make angry faces, before storming the trailer before we have a MELEE WITH A MOTIVE! No? Ok. Moving on.
In the Impact Zone, they run down the PPV lineup. It looks ok at best. With matches like Joseph Park vs. Devon and Festus vs. Sting, you know they are pulling out all the stops. They also air another video package hyping the main event of Genesis. This one thing TNA does right on a consistent basis.
Then we have our next match.
Match 5: Anderson vs. Kurt Angle
This match never happens as Angle is jumped by Knox, who hits Kurt over and over with his rubber hammer. They end up doing a stretcher job for Angle as Garry Sideburns, Wes Brisco, and Samoa Joe come down to run of A&E. Sting’s music hits and he says he wants Knox in the ring. Sting calls him Knox, but the announcers refer to him as “the bearded guy.” I guess they don’t have a name for him yet.
After a commercial, this turns into a match.
Match 6: Sting vs. “That Bearded Guy”
I don’t know what the hell just happened. I don’t know how this became a match, especially since there was no one to sanction the match. Ahh, what the hell am I doing using my brain? Sorry. Sting wins the match because of course he does, the attacks Knox with the hammer. A&E comes out with Brooke Hogan as a hostage. Devon warns Sting that if he continues attacking Knox then they’re going to do bad things to Brooke. Bully Ray shows up and runs off A&E. Hogan appears at the top of the ramp and makes his stupid duck face before we go to commercial.
After the commercial, Hogan basically blames Bully for A&E going after Brooke. Yeah, it’s all his fault that A&E grabbed her. Hogan says that Bully is not the man for Brooke. Bully says that he’s been wrestling for 20 years and his goal was to be as good as Sting or as great as Hogan. Holy hell, how much was his new contract worth that he would say something like that. He sold his soul for Hogan’s ego. It’s a damn shame. Anyway, Bully says that he never thought he would love anything as much as he loved pro wrestling, until he met Brooke. Bully says that Brooke came into his life because she was apologizing for her dad. Hogan is making his “I have to take a shit face.” Bully says he’s not good with feelings and emotions, and that he’s a hardass, but when he’s with Brooke, he laughs. Then he gets down on one knee, and now by bottle of Jack is getting tossed back. He proposes to Brooke, she says yes, and Bully says that the wedding is next week. Hogan’s faces are ridiculous. He and Sting eventually leave the ring leaving Bully and Brooke to embrace in the ring. I have already heard predictions that it will turn out that Bully and Brooke are the masterminds behind A&E. At this point, it doesn’t matter, as this whole storyline has shark-jumped a long time ago.
Whatever good will last week’s show built was destroyed and eaten by this one. The whole thing played out - again – like “Hogan Knows Best featuring the Impact Wrestling Players”. Hogan, please realize something. It’s 2013. Your best days are way behind you. No one wants to see you at the center of the main story of your company. What’s that line “Old stars never die, they just fade away?” Well, Hogan is taking a long time to fade. He needs to realize that the future of wrestling does not include the name “Hogan” anywhere near it. This would be where I would say that the company needs to push the younger guys, but I think what this company really needs is a complete overhaul. Dixie needs to sell, or they need a new creative team. I would make my joke about Dixie hiring me, but this isn’t a joke anymore. It’s sad that this drama is presented as the main focus of the show instead of the world champion. If this trend continues, this time next year I’ll be writing a “so long TNA” column.
That’s it for me this week. Thanks to Melo Man for the cool new banner. Feel free to tell me how immature my humor is in the comment section below. Until Tuesday, when I see you for Headlines with Mike, that’s all I got.
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