WTF: TNA Impact Review for 1/16/14
Welcome again to the wacky world of TNA! Tonight’s episode is Genesis, which means beginning, and if there is any company out there that needs a new one, it’s TNA. I’m really hoping that they start to turn things around, because this circling the drain thing is getting boring. Shit or get off the pot already, will ya?
Before Impact starts, we get Taz and Tenay with a small tribute to the life of Mae Young. That was nice of them. Then we get our weekly video recap of the latest happenings in TNA. This one just focused on the huge dump TNA took all over itself last week, with that stupid main event “match.” I hated that so much.
Rockstar Spud is in the ring, and he’s just there to introduce Dixie Carter, who comes out to standing boos and treats it like they love her. She immediately starts to run down AJ Styles and the fact that he’s not in TNA anymore. She kinda did a small bury job here, but whatever. After running down AJ Styles, she brings out the man who represents everything Dixie stands for – The Undisputed Champion, Magnus. To quote the late, great George Carlin: “If it’s undisputed, what’s all the fighting about?”
Magnus comes out to some pretty decent heat and a “you sold out” chant. He says that tonight they start to look ahead to what he calls the “Reign of Magnus.” He takes a shot at WWE, I think, when he says that he’s wearing two belts, and that’s kind of obnoxious. He says that Dixie is the one who made all of this possible, so he gives her one of the belts for being a champion. Dixie says that she would like to call out a few people who showed some great teamwork last week. Out comes everyone who helped take out the friends of AJ last week. She promises them all bonuses, and says that this is the Genesis of Dixie Carter’s TNA. She says that she needs her nephew to take care of the one man that threatens their rise, and she introduces EC3, but before he can say anything, the lights go out and Sting appears at the top of a staircase somewhere, and points a bat at the ring. That ends the segment…
..Or so I thought. The commercial break threw me off, but we have a Sting promo now. Wonderful. Allow me to go vomit. He says some corny stuff about Dixie being a mob boss calling for hits, and eventually calls out the people who were taken out last week, and then we have a BRAWL FOR NO REASON! So much for things changing around here. It finally boils down to Sting and EC3 in the ring alone, and as Sting is about to finally get his hands on EC3…we have another commercial. Seriously, WTF?
When we come back from the break, Samoa Joe, Gunner, EY, James Storm, Joseph Park, and ODB are in the ring, while Bad Influence, the Bro Mans, DJ Zema Ion, and Lei’d Tapa are on the ramp. Samoa Joe says that they all came for a fight. Spudman the Great comes out and says that Joe should be careful what he wishes for, and books a twelve person tag…right now! Then we have another brawl before the match starts for realsies.
Match 1: Samoa Joe/Gunner/EY/Storm/Park/ODB vs. Bad Influence/Bro Mans/Ion/Tapa
What a mess of a match. Seriously, there was no structure and I had no idea what was going, especially since there was one point where Park “Abyssed Out” and took out two of his partners. Eventually Joe choked out Daniels for the win. Sloppy.
In the back, Velvet Sky is talking to Austin Aries about her bf Sabin, who conveniently shows up causing Aries to leave. He asks her what she was talking about with Aries. She says that she doesn’t want to talk about it in front of all the people in the back. Sabin says they will talk about it in the ring. Cue commercial.
After the commercial, we see Kurt Angle looking for Dixie Carter an Al Snow. I guess he’s pissed off about being duped last week.
In the ring, Sabin starts talking about Velvet and Aries having secret meetings, and accuses Aries of trying to steal his girl. Aries comes out, and says that he’s not trying to steal Velvet, but despite being a vegan, he wouldn’t mind a piece of pigeon pie. Aries calls Velvet a hot woman and Sabin again accuses Aries of trying to steal Velvet. This eventually leads to a match next week between Sabin and Aries for the X-Division title. Here’s the kicker, to ensure that Velvet can’t be forced to help Sabin, they are going to do the only logical thing and ban her from ringside. Nah, I’m just kidding! They’re going to lock her in a cage at ringside. Velvet even made it sound like a good idea, which is hilarious. I hope she comes out with feathered eighties hair looking like she just stepped out of a White Snake video. I hear that the following week, they will have a “Velvet Sky on a Stripper Pole” match.
Angle is shown looking for Dixie again. We then have another commercial, and when we return, some random dude in the back is telling a cameraman to just shoot anything that happens. Samuel Shaw walks by, and Random Dude calls him Sam, and wonders about Shaw’s obsession with Christy Hemme. Shaw then beats the guy down, even using the poor schlub’s shoe, for mentioning Hemme’s name. Shaw then reminds the guy that his name is “Samuel”. What a strangely entertaining gimmick they have here.
Backstage, EC3 is psyching himself up for his match when Magnus walks by. Magnus says he doesn’t see a confident wrestler, he sees a scared rookie, but it’s ok, because Magnus was like that one time, and pretty soon EC3 can grow up big and strong like papa Magnus. I paraphrased a bit there. Magnus tells EC3 that he beat Sting at BFG by submission, and that Carter should worry about not letting the family down. I don’t know why they are teasing tension here, but whatever.
Back at ringside, Bully Ray is introduced for his match against Mr. Anderson, who attacks Bully before the bell. Tenay tell us that it’s no DQ…right after the break.
Match 2: Bully Ray vs. Mr. Anderson
I hate Emo Ray, by the way. I’m glad this match isn’t fought with an Evanescence soundtrack. It was a pretty good brawl, but it never really picked up. Bully was made to look strong by kicking out of power moves and finishers by Anderson before finishing him off with a piledriver after Anderson attempted to set a table on fire. Yes, that’s what happened. Google it.
In the back, Kurt Angle finds Al Snow and after some mild violence, Snow admits that Dixie told him to set him up last week.
After a commercial, Angle comes out to the ring. He mentions that he has been in TNA for the last seven years. Holy shit, really? He calls out Dixie. She makes her way to the ring, and Angle is livid that Dixie brought Angle’s family into her situation with AJ. She says she did it to protect Angle, and because if Angle stayed he would have made the wrong decision, and if Kurt did that, then she couldn’t make any more money off of Kurt. See, she’s awesome people! Always looking out. Kurt says that he will be at ringside for the main event after he is done kicking Bobby Roode’s ass in the cage match. Dixie says that no one should be allowed in the ring other than EC3, Sting and the ref. Kurt gets loud again, and Dixie says she thinks that Kurt is to wound up to wrestle, so she’s postponing his match until next week, which the crowd boos even though to them, it’s only a couple of hours later. Kurt gets livid, and Dixie calls out security to “protect Kurt” and that leads to Roode showing up and hitting his finisher on Kurt. Dixie then asks security to escort an unconscious Kurt out of the building. Again, that was wonderful.
Backstage, Madison Rayne is being interviewed but is jumped by Tapa and Gail Kim. Gail and Madison are going to be fighting for the KO title later on.
After a commercial, Dixie is telling Earl Hebner that he will not be refereeing the main event tonight. Earl tries to protest, but Dixie won’t hear anything of it. Back in the ring, it’s title time.
Match 3: Madison Rayne vs. Gail Kim
The match was fine for what it was, but the end was kind of sudden, because the crowd did not react to Madison’s “rolling knee to the back of the head finisher” and Tenay and Taz were basically not paying attention. Also, what I found weird was that Tapa strangled Madison outside of the ring, right in front of the ref, and he just banned Tapa from ringside instead of DQing Gail. It was very weird.
In the interview center, Sting tells the boys in the back that they shouldn’t help him tonight.
After a commercial, Dixie introduces the American Wolves, fresh from their ROH run. She tells them that they have a tryout match next week, but they inform her that they already signed their contracts. Dixie sells shock, and they hand her an envelope that they say will explain everything. Dixie looks it over and mumbles something about a new TNA investor. No, it’s not me. Although….
Next up is our main event.
Match 4: Sting vs. EC3 with special guest referee Rockstar Spud
Holy shit, Spud looks hilarious in his purple pants, blue bow tie, and black and white referee short. It’s like Beetlejuice and the Joker had a small British child. Who wants to guess that Spud wasn’t exactly the most partial ref? Sting hit the Death Drop, but Spud refused to count. Sting pulled him down and lifted and Spud’s hands up and down for the count, but Spud was pulled out of the ring by Magnus, who then takes off his shirt to reveal a referee’s short. Apparently he’s the real ref. EC3 rolls up Sting, and Magnus quick counts Sting to secure the win for EC3.
Post match Sting yells that he wants to fight Magnus, and he’ll do anything to do it. Magnus turns around looking interested. He must have seen interesting savings, because we got a commercial break.
Back from break, Sting tells Magnus that Sting believed in him for the MEM and Magnus thanked him by spitting in his face. Sting says he wants just one shot at Magnus’ title, but Magnus reminds him that Sting can’t fight for the title anymore. Sting trash talks him a bit more, so Magnus says that he will give Sting a match, but only if Sting puts up his contract. Sting agrees, and we have our main event for next week. Sting’s music hits, and that is how Impact ends this week.
The good thing about this episode of Impact is that they heavily promoted next week’s show. That ends the good. This show was more boring than church. I get more excitement picking out socks. I really hated how Tenay and Taz kept saying that “Genesis was so big we need two weeks” but the first hour of this show was a long ass promo and a silly brawl that led to an even sillier six man tag match, and a lot of talking. I said in the beginning that I hoped this was a new beginning for TNA, but I guess I was wrong. Maybe part two next week will be a better new beginning.
Until next week, that’s all I got.
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