WTF: TNA Impact Review for 1/2/14
Happy New Year everyone! I hope yours is a safe and prosperous one. With the New Year come new beginnings, and I really hope that this rings true for our favorite little engine that could, TNA. What will the New Year bring? Let’s find out, shall we?
Impact opens with a video package of Magnus and his world title win, with the promise of the coronation of the new champion. Then Kurt Angle comes out. He says that 2013 was his worst year ever, from his feud with A&E to his personal problems. He says that he considers himself a world class athlete, which is why he declined the TNA Hall of Fame. Oh, yeah, I’m pretty sure THAT’s the reason. Kurt is going to tell us what his plans are for 2014, but instead Bobby Roode’s music hits.
The It factor has a mic, and he makes the assumption that Angle is going to walk away from TNA like Jeff Hardy did last week, and he wants Angle to admit that Roode is the better man. Angle says that he’s not finished and he challenges Roode to ONE. MORE. MATCH. Roode refuses saying that he has already beaten Angle many times, and has nothing left to prove. Roode starts to walk away, but has a change of heart. Roode says that he will accept the match on one condition: If Roode wins, Angle can never accept a TNA HOF induction. But what’s in it for Roode? HA! Angle says that the match will take place in Alabama at Genesis, and it will be in a steel cage. Roode sells shock, but accepts the match. That should be a good one. They start to brawl, but get pulled apart quickly. My new favorite character Rockstar Spud comes out and tells them that if they want to fight, they should each get a tag team partner, and they can fight tonight. Did he just make a tag match after a brawl between only two guys? He’s on that next level Teddy Long shit right there.
Backstage, Dixie is telling us that she has her champion in Magnus and blah, blah, blah. We here someone yell “cut!” and Dixie heads into her office. Once inside, she receives a message from an assistant, which he said was delivered by a courier. The message said “See you tonight.” She freaked out a bit.
After a commercial, Dixie walked up to Rockstar Spud and told her to find out who sent it. Then we go to the ring, and Gail Kim is there with Lei’d Tapa. It’s time for another Open Challenge. Gail says that 2013 was her year, and 2014 will be better. She calls for her opponent and out comes Madison Rayne.
Gail Kim vs. Madison Rayne
This was a decent TV match between two of the better women in the company. There’s nothing really to say about it though. Madison won with a surprise roll-up after Gail started getting cocky. Oh, and at least they’re hot, right?
Backstage Sabin is with his girl, Velvet Sky, and he basically tells her that if he doesn’t win the X-Division title tonight, he’s breaking up with Velvet. I like jerk Sabin.
After a commercial, Angle is in the back with Gunner. Angle tells Gunner that since Gunner has the briefcase, he’s going to be world champion soon. I think Angle has been drinking again. Gunner says that tonight he and Angle will be partners. Storm happens to be walking by at this point, and scoffs at the word “partners.” I love how wrestlers always seem to be walking by at the weirdest moments. It’s so odd.
Then we have our next match.
Match 2: Chris Sabin vs. Austin Aries for the X-Division Title
I love watching these two guys wrestle, but the story seems to be more about Velvet and Sabin than for the title, and that’s wrong. You know what else is wrong? How shitty this match was. It was like they were going through the motions until the finish, which was Velvet very reluctantly standing on the apron distracting the ref and Aries, which led to a low blow to Aries, and a roll-up for the pin and the win for your new X-Division champion, Chris Sabin. What a stupid waste of time this was. I’m seriously angry over it. I understand that Sabin is growing as a heel, but this was such shit. Ugh.
Post match, Sabin thanks himself.
After a commercial, Spud the Magnificent is going over his speech for later, when he gets a phone call that hangs up on him. It’s a 678 area code. That’s an Atlanta number. Foreshadowing much? Then we have our next match.
Match 3: Samuel Shaw vs. Norv Fernum
Samuel Shaw is one creepy dude. Not Bray Wyatt creepy, but more, “I’m gonna murder someone and act like it was no big deal” creepy. He even put on gloves to wrestle, which was different. He also escorted Christy Hemme out of the ring before the match. Guess who won? Shaw used a new kind of choke hold for the win. Then he removed his gloves. Creepy, man.
Backstage James Storm is upset about Gunner. Then there’s a commercial. When we come back, Roode is talking to an unseen man. Roode is saying that he has a few people in mind for his partner, but he never expected this. The camera pulls back and it’s revealed to be James Storm. Whaaaaaat?? Storm says that he doesn’t like or trust Roode, but he wants to send a message to Gunner. Roode refuses, but Storm basically says if Roode doesn’t pick him, then he’s going to kick everyone’s ass.
We have a video package for Magnus again, and then we get the introductions for the team of Angle and Gunner. Gunner is asked on his way down about the possibility of Storm being Roode’s partner. Gunner says he doesn’t mind. Then a commercial.
When we return, we have the next match.
Match 4: Angle/Gunner vs. Beer Money
TNA must really be high on Gunner right now, because he is in a match with three of their top guys. I don’t see it, but I’m just a blogger, so what the hell do I know? I also wonder if this is a slow heel turn for Storm. It would be different. The match was short and sweet, but not too bad. Roode and Storm worked together like old times, which was fun to see. Well, not exactly like old times, but I’ll take it. Beer Money picked up the win after a Last Call to Gunner leads to Roode using his new finisher for the pin. Post match, Roode retreated from an Angle attack, and Storm stood over Gunner and taunted him. And everything is back to normal.
Sting is shown walking to the back. Spud the Great runs up to him and accuses Sting for leaving the message. Sting angrily brushes him off.
After a commercial, EC3 makes his way out, and then we get a quick video package of last week’s main event when EC3 pinned Sting, and Hardy quit the company. Then he goes on to say that he changed the face of wrestling and that last week Hardy quit out of fear for EC3. He then says that he challenges Hardy to match right now, and has Christy Hemme introduce Hardy. Of course Hardy doesn’t show, and E3 calls for a forfeit. He starts to count him out, but Sting’s music hits.
The aged Icon comes out and gets in Carter’s face. He calls him Dixie’s lap dog, which the crowd eats up. The segment ends with Carter eventually accepting a match with Sting at Genesis. This is what Sting should be doing with his career, and I’m glad he’s embracing that. I still don’t like him.
Backstage, EY and Joseph Park are discussing Park’s match with Bully Ray tonight. They casually remind us that this Abyss storyline has been going on for two years. Wait, what? Is that true? Shiiiit. Bully Ray comes up behind Park after EY leaves and threatens to set Park on fire. Ok, then.
Match 5: Bully Ray vs. Joseph Park
I don’t usually do play by play for the matches, but I will now. The bell rings, and Joseph Park walks up to Bully Ray. Bully kicks Park in the nuts, earning a DQ. That’s your main event match kids! Why the heavily hyped tag match wasn’t shown here is beyond me.
Bully then took out a bottle of lighter fluid and doused a fallen Park. Before things get crazy, Mr. Anderson comes out for the save. Bully sprays him with the lighter fluid. Anderson takes a step towards Bully, but Bully pulls out a lighter, lights it, and holds it threateningly to Anderson. Holy shit this is the funniest thing ever. Anderson is selling it like he’s gonna burn, but he can very easily just take his shirt off and that would solve the problem. What a shit segment.
After a commercial, it’s coronation time!
Spud the Awesome and EC3 are in the ring. They are dresses up nicely, and they each get some mic time. Spud compares this ceremony to the Royal wedding, and EC3 says that in America the one percent has all the power. He then introduces his Aunt Dixie.
Dixie comes out and tells us a story about how she saw an article in a magazine about Magnus that inspired her to sign him to the roster. She then brings out the new world champion.
Magnus comes out and thanks Spud for his great words, and then has a special thanks for Dixie, calling her the wind beneath his wings. He says that the crowd thought it would be Roode or Angle, or Hardy that would have won the tournament, but instead it was him. He says he didn’t turn his back on us, we turned on him. Pretty generic talk, but it works here. He says he will no longer take a back seat to anyone in the business. Gunner’s music hits and we go to commercial. That was oddly placed.
When we return, Gunner says that he’s ready to fight and that he wants to cash in his briefcase. Instead, he gets beat up by Dixie’s cronies. Out of nowhere, AJ Styles appears. He runs Spud and EC3 out of the ring, and then has a staredown with Magnus. Magnus bails, and AJ talks shit about them, calling Magnus a farce as a champ. AJ says that if Magnus wants to prove himself as a champion, then he will fight AJ. Magnus says that he doesn’t want any doubters about his reign as champion. Dixie protests, but Magnus says if she doesn’t allow the match to happen, then he will walk out too. Magnus says next week, it will be him vs. AJ to find out who the champ really is. Dixie whines that is Magnus loses she will have nothing, and Magnus says that he’s willing to take that gamble. Impact ends with AJ holding his hand out to Magnus agreeing to the match.
This was a more wrestling heavy show than recent weeks, but that’s not exactly a good thing. Two of the matches sucked, with only the tag match being anything close to worth mentioning. You know what pisses me off about the taped shows? The fact that they just edit segments from different tapings together and pass it off as one complete show. Don’t believe me? Check out the crowd at the beginning of the show, and look at the crowd during the EC3/Sting segment. Totally different. Why can’t they just tape once a week, like Smackdown does? We know it’s not live, but don’t insult us by saying it is. It’s kind of hard to take you seriously, especially if you’re talking about New Year’s but a guy in the crowd is still wearing a Santa hat.
Thank you all for reading. Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to celebrate my birthday with some much needed days off. Enjoy your week, and don’t forget to check out the staff predictions column. It’s one of my favorites to be a part of.
Until next time, that’s all I got.
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