Happy Sunday to all you miscreants! Welcome to this week’s journey to the center of the absurd, Impact wrestling. This week is the fallout from the Brooke Hogan/Bully Ray wedding that included a shocking heel turn from Taz. I say “shocking” because a) nobody saw it coming and b) TNA doesn’t realize that the reason nobody saw it coming is because nobody has given a shit about Taz since 2001. Now on with the show!
They first aired a clip from the wedding last week, and showed us some footage from after they went off the air. I liked the feel to it. The crowd was really into the whole thing, and they really helped sell it as a tragedy. Then we cut to Todd Keneley and Mike Tenay. Todd welcomes us to the show and goes over what we just saw, and throws to Tenay, who says that he has never been as shocked as he is at Taz’ actions. He says that we are going to hear from Taz tonight.
In the back, some members of Aces and Eights are shown cheering as some other members ride around in circles on their motorcycles. It’s so ridiculous. Whoever thought that this was a good idea probably watches “Easy Rider” alone with the lights turned low, candles lit, a bottle of Jergens, and a box of Puffs Plus.
After the new and improved Intro theme, A&E makes their way to the ring, led by the great Oompah Loompah himself, Taz. He has a mic in hand, and says that he couldn’t pass up a chance to be a part of the machine known as an A&E. He asks how he could pass up a chance to be a part of a group of men who have an agenda – an individual agenda – to get revenge and redemption. I don’t know how a group can be individual, but that’s only because I’ve had an education that passed the fifth grade. Most importantly, he says he couldn’t pass up the opportunity to take direction and to live by the vision of a higher power. Oh, so they’re a cult, got it. He then starts making fun of Brooke and Bully, and says that the wedding was just a way to step on their faces. He says that Bully and Brooke were “Just Another Victim” and that the language in his contract says that he can do what he wants and nobody can touch him, or he will own the place. He calls himself “Teflon Taz” and wishes somebody, luck dealing with the path of destruction that A&E will lay out. What a shitty promo. It didn’t make me feel scared of A&E at all.
Backstage, Jesse is trying to pump Tara up for her title match against Velvet Sky. He’s got a Velvet action figure which he uses to compare Velvet and Tara. For as much shit as I give him, Jesse was pretty good here. He seems to know how to play his character well. Either that or he’s really like this.
After a commercial, they remind us that tonight we have Daniels vs. Hardy for the World Title. Only took them 15 minutes. They show a video package about Daniels then cut to Daniels in the locker room with Kaz. Daniels is asked how he prepares for the big match. Daniels says that this isn’t a big match, it’s a turning point, and TNA needs Christopher Daniels. Why, you ask? Let’s ask him: “I’m not a creature, I’m a feature. I make the girls day every time these hips sway, and I’m mere moments away from taking my place at the head of the table.” Well said. Daniels says he will be “World Heavyweight Champion of the World.” Kaz says it sounds sexy. These guys are awesome.
At the announce desk, Taz has taken his spot, and Tenay looks like a grumpy troll. Tenay says that he has questions for Taz. Taz says that he isn’t going anywhere. Is this what we are going to deal with the rest of the night? Shhiiiiiiiittttt. The announcers throw to the first match.
Match 1: Velvet Sky vs. Tara for the Knockouts Title
The announcers are bickering throughout the match. I wish they would have taken Taz off commentary. His character doesn’t fit there anymore. One good thing is we don’t have to hear Taz act like a prepubescent boy when Velvet sexes the middle rope. Speaking of acting that way, Velvet is looking might fine in her underwear and halter top. And there’s Taz with his weekly obligatory WWE reference as he mentions Tara’s reign as Women’s Champion. The match is ok, and Tara retains when Jesse trips Velvet as she attempts a suplex and holds her leg down while Tara picks up the pin. It didn’t feel like a title match though, mainly because TNA doesn’t know how to build matches. Oh well. At least they’re hot.
They air a promo of TNA in England next week, and then they show Sting walking in the back. Sting is asked about the wedding fiasco and says that he will say what he has to in the Impact Zone.
After a commercial, Kenny King is talking to himself in a mirror. Zema Ion walks in and they talk about their tag match they have against RVD and Christian York. King says it’s really about the X-Division title and tease Zema for losing it to RVD. King says it’s all about looking good tonight, and he will do all the heavy lifting. King walks away, and Zema tells his mirror that he was the greatest X-Division champion. OhhhhKaaayyy.
In the Impact Zone, Joseph Park makes his way out. He says that he’s not the most athletic person ever, which should come as a shock to nobody because I swear I saw him eating a cheeseburger on the way to the ring. He’s also winded form holding the microphone. He says that his place is not in a courtroom, but as a member of the Impact Zone. He says that he’s upset he didn’t win his debut match, but he’s going to be the best he could be. He says that he’s going to Manchester for Impact, and he has the passport to prove it. I’m going to Wrestlemania, so suck it. He says that he’s going to call out someone for Open Fight Night, and he will get his first “W”. They really need to do something interesting with him. Of course, if I was booking, he would be my version of Tyler Durden, but that’s just me.
After a commercial, we have our next match.
Match 2: Kenny King/Zema Ion vs. RVD/Christian York
This was five minutes of “what the hell is going on here?” There were miscues and bad spots all over this thing. I love how despite the fact that King is 31 and Ion is 26, Tenay says that soon to be 36 year old Christian York is “the future of the x-Division”. Typical TNA logic, I guess. King and Ion get the win, but it looks like they set a feud up for them. That could be fun.
Bully and Brooke Ray arrive and ignore the questions that are asked of them. Bully tells them he’s going to do his talking in the ring.
After a commercial, Gary Sideburns and his sidekick Wes Brisco ask Samoa Joe how Kurt Angle is doing. Angle appears behind them. He says he’s not 100% but he could still kick some ass. Get some rest dude.
They air a video package of last week’s wedding fiasco, but for some odd reason, left out the part where Brooke told her dad her boobs were out. Bully comes out and he looks at the announce desk, but Taz had bailed at the end of the tag match. He gets to the ring and he runs down Taz, calling him a scumbag and whatnot. He says that he didn’t mind that he got hurt, but they hurt the only person who has trusted him, Sting, and the man whose trust he is trying to gain, Hogan. He says that the things he does to A&E can’t be said on national TV. He says they better sleep with one eye open. He’s going to break into their houses? That’s very Triple H of him. He says that he can’t do anything unless his suspension is lifted, so he pleads his case to Hogan, who isn’t there. Sting’s music hits.
Gramps takes the mic and says that Hogan does everything “all the way” and that by giving Brooke away, he’s only doing things half way, but next week in England, Hogan should go all the way and reinstate Bully. Damn it, I hate that this story is really all about Hogan. It makes me so fucking mad. How can he justify keeping talent of the shows just so his ego can be stroked? All you here from Sting and Bully is how great Hogan is. Even in this promo, Sting says that Hogan is the greatest of all. F***ing really? I just can’t anymore. Here now is new WTF correspondent Mr. Rogers with his feelings towards this:
They show a clip of the brief SCUFFLE WITH SANITY! (No? Ok.) between Awesome Aries/Bobby Roode and Hernandez/Eddie’s nephew. Then they show Aries and Roode in the back. They are discussing which one of them is going to fight Hernandez. They each think the other should. It’s pretty funny how they do it. They’re chemistry together is getting better. Still, their banter reminds me of another pair of heels who got together and are now cheered. I’ve said it before, if they start calling themselves “Team Hell Yes” I’ll probably complain really loudly to my imaginary buddy Timmy, who lives in my shoe.
After a commercial, they show a video package for Jeff Hardy: Super Face. Then they cut to Hardy walking in the back. He’s mad at Daniels for the attack last week, and says that he knows who Daniels is, but tonight he’ll show us who Daniels isn’t. I wonder what his head had to say about this.
Back in the Impact Zone, Taz is back on commentary so Keneley and Tenay can focus on that instead of the next match.
Match 3: Bobby Roode vs. Hernandez
Seriously, the announcers are distracting, and not in the usual way. The match is ok, but nothing too special. Roode wins with a bulldog (!) after some interference/distraction by Aries. I wish the announcing didn’t put me to sleep.
After a commercial, they show the clip of how Angle was injured by A&E. Then the Cyborg comes out for some talking time. He says he thought A&E would be temporary, but it looks like they are around for the long haul. That’s how I feel too. He says that next week for OFN, he’s going to get his revenge on Mr. Anderson, and only Mr. Anderson. Then he calls him out. Anderson comes out through the crowd and is decked out in A&E gear. He gets in Angles face and says the phrase “You wanna fight me next week, huh?” five times in a row, because apparently he missed the beginning of Kurt’s promo. Anderson says he doesn’t want to fight next week, he wants to fight tonight. They scuffle for a bit, and Anderson ends up outside the ring. Angle says that next week it’s going to be Angle vs. Anderson in a steel cage. That should be fun.
After a commercial, Anderson and A&E are in the back. Some girls are laughing, and we get this gem from Anderson “Hey! Hookers! Shut up!” That was funny. Devon tells Anderson to relax and that he has a battle plan. Then he grabs a hooker. True story.
Up next is out Main event.
Match 4: Daniels vs. Jeff Hardy
The match was pretty good. Lots of close, believable falls, and I was really rooting for Daniels. Hey, what can I say, I love good bad guy. The announcers even managed to focus most of their efforts on the match, and that was a pleasant change from the rest of the show. Hardy won after two Twist of Fates and a Swanton Bomb. I hope Daniels gets another shot, and I hope he wins the belt. Whatever it takes to get Hardy to stop carrying around his atrocious looking belt, you know?
This is another in a long of Impact episodes that were just “there.” There was nothing great about it, and at the same time, nothing really that terrible. This may sound redundant, but TNA is stale. I know that saying that is kind of ridiculous, but they don’t know how to build on momentum. Last week, they had a very surprising moment, but followed it up this week with a shitty promo that really didn’t do much. And Taz sucks balls as a heel announcer. He’s just terrible. All he does now is take away from the matches he calls. My dream team would be Keneley and Borash, but having Tenay out there wouldn’t be so bad, as long as he defers to the other two.
That’s it this week. For the five of you that care, sorry there was no Fozzie’s Den this week. I really didn’t have a topic, and I didn’t want to half ass it. I will see you again on Tuesday with Headlines with my buddy Mike Aires. Until then, that’s all I got.
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