They guys. Welcome again to the weekly foray into the inner workings of the mind of a crazy lady and the wrestling company she runs. This is the Impact after BFG and there were some major happenings at the show. Also, from what I have read, Eric Bischoff may no longer be with the company, and this show was done without him. I’m excited, so let’s just get down to it, shall we?
Impact opens with my favorite Narrator going over the big stories coming out of BFG, including all titles changing hands, and Kurt Angle saying that he’s not worthy of the TNA Hall of Fame. This is crazy talk.
Impact then opens with Dixie Carter coming to the ring. She has fantastic heat, by the way. The ring is adorned with a whole bunch of AJ Styles merchandise. Dixie starts putting over the new champ, and then introduces the man she is proud to call champ, AJ Styles. AJ comes out to his “Evil Ways” theme song, which I kind of like, but not for him. The crowd goes crazy for him, and Dixie encourages the fans to chant his name. She says the last six weeks was her way of motivating AJ to get out of the slump he’s been in. She says that AJ said she was going to pay, so she went all out and got him a fancy dressing room, a watch, and a new car. She asks AJ if he is ready to move forward.
AJ asks Dixie if she thinks that AJ is going to be on Team Dixie. Dixie says of course, but AJ says otherwise. He says he drives a truck, so he doesn’t need the truck, and he doesn’t want to be separated from the boys that built the company with him. Dixie says that AJ is still sore about her interference during the main event at BFG, and her subsequent call for a rematch for tonight. She says that AJ doesn’t have to fight tonight; that if AJ agrees to get on her private jet, she will cancel the match. Bully Ray’s music hits, and we get a commercial. What the hell?
After the commercial, Bully is pissed that Dixie wants to cancel the match. AJ interrupts Bully and says that Bully will get his chance, but if Dixie thinks he’s going on her plane, she’s dumber than we all thought. He tells Bully that the rematch clause only works with someone under contract, but he came here tonight to defend the world title, so he will. Bully goes on to say that there is one word to describe AJ’s title win – lucky. Bully then blames Earl Hebner saying that Hebner didn’t see Bully kick out of the finish. Damn, Earl, first Bret, now Bully? What gives bro? Bully says that he’s going to beat AJ and send him back to his ugly wife and that in this world, AJ is a boy, and Bully is a God, and if God was a Bully he’d be Bully Ray. AJ says that Bully should be worried about A&E crumbling around him, and says after he wins, he’s going to run up to the fans and celebrate with them. Bully then sucker punches AJ, and starts beating him up and destroying the set, when all of a sudden the lights go out. I swear, if this is Sting, I’ll scream. Never mind, it’s Mr. Anderson, making his return. Anderson runs to the ring and he and Bully start exchanging punches. Bully bails out of the ring, as Taz yells for help. Then there is another commercial.
After a commercial, Anderson is still in the ring. Yes, I’m confused too. He says that he missed the fans, and he missed Bully Ray. Then he tells the crowd to watch something, and he does some neck exercises, and then says the best line ever: “My neck feels good. How’s your neck feel?” I don’t know what that was supposed to mean, or who he was talking to, but god it was funny. He says that he’s been sitting at home watching the product, and is getting sick and tired of it, that the boys in the back are getting sick and tired of it, and then asks the crowd if they were getting sick and tired of it. Of course, a “YES” chant starts. This crowd is great. Not because of the chant, but because they are reacting to everything. Dixie comes back to say that Anderson isn’t authorized to be here, and sends the security team to arrest him. Anderson says that he hasn’t been arrested in awhile, and says he’ll make it interesting. He attacks one of the security guys who does a comical flop, before finally allowing himself to be cuffed. This whole segment he reminded me of an alcoholic uncle who didn’t know he had too many. Pretty good segment.
Taz and Tenay then let us know about the Bully/AJ match later, that we will hear from Kurt Angle later tonight, and then they throw it to a video package highlighting the KO title change from BFG. In case you missed it, Gail Kim is the new KO champ due to outside interference by Tam – I mean Lei’d Tapa. Lei’d Tapa and Gail are introduced for our first match, and then we have another commercial.
After a commercial, we have our first match.
Match 1: Gail Kim/Brooke “Don’t call me Assmacher” vs. Velvet Sky/ODB
Wait a god damn minute here. At BFG, Tapa attacked Brooke, effectively costing her the title, and now she’s teaming with Gail and has absolutely no beef with her or Tapa? Shit TNA, build your division better, or pay attention, please. Also, something I haven’t done in a review in a while, is timing the show. This match went about four minutes after the introductions. That brings us to four minutes of wrestling so far, and we are at the forty five minute mark. Someone please face palm for me.
After ANOTHER commercial, we have our next match.
Match 2: EC3 vs. Some local jobber with a paw print on his ass
In case you don’t know, EC3 is the artist formerly known as Derrick Bateman. This is my first real look at him, and I think he’s going to be good. His gimmick is that of Dixie’s entitled nephew. He won in about four minutes as well, which brings us to a grand total of eight minutes of wrestling on a two hour show where they say “The action never stops.” Okay, sure. And wrestling mattered once, too.
After the match, EC3 said that he was a Carter, and the world needs them. Then another commercial. Seriously, what is going on here tonight?
When we get back, they show a video package of the Magnus/Sting match that ended with Sting losing clean by tapping out to Magnus, and Magnus being a dick about it. Then they cut to Magnus and Sting sitting in a darkened corner of the arena squashing any beef that they might have had. Then they show a video package of Angle declining the HOF induction and his match with Bobby Roode. Then Angle comes out to a huge pop. I seriously love this crowd, and wonder how they would react to actual matches.
Angle is on the mic. He says that last weekend was a roller coaster of emotions for him. He says that he declined the HOF because he has so much more to prove, and that when the time comes, he will take his place next to Sting. He changes direction to his match with Roode. Angle says that he knocked himself out with the last move of the match, and then Roode’s music hits.
Roode comes out and says it’s pathetic that Angle keeps making excuses. Roode says the reason Angle declined the HOF was because Angle knew he couldn’t beat Roode. Roode says that two years ago he had an opportunity to main event BFG with Angle, and Roode lost, and Roode has been living with feeling of failure since then. He says that now that he defeated Angle, Angle has to live with that feeling.
Angle says that Roode is one bad SOB, but Angle wants to challenge him to a match right now! Roode says that he would love to wrestle Angle, but Angle can’t. Roode pulls out a doctor’s note that says that Angle isn’t cleared to wrestle. How the hell did Roode get this? Why am I thinking? My bad folks. Anyway, Angle says that he’s not cleared to wrestle, but he’s cleared to fight. They BRAWL! (there was a reason) and the crack security team that couldn’t handle Drunk Uncle Anderson, somehow was able to pull apart Roode and Angle. Of course they did.
Backstage, Bully is yelling at Knux and Baby Bischoff. He tells them that he was right when he called Anderson selfish. He orders Knux to go to the police station and make sure that Anderson doesn’t post bail, while he stays here and imposes his will to become the new champ. Knux and Bischoff walk off, and I can’t be the only one wondering why they are helping him after last week they swore not to. Does anybody here pay attention? Hey, what’s this…Oh, it’s another commercial.
After a commercial, we see Dixie on the phone talking to someone, and Dixie’s assistant shuts the office door. Finally, some logic.
Next up is the Bro Mans and their cele-BRO-tion, complete with pretend douche DJ. There is a Zack Ryder joke hidden in this segment. Robbie E. says that BFG was a big night but before he could say why, James Storm’s music hits and the former champs make their way out.
Storm gets on the mike and tells “DJ Anus” to get out of the ring. This leads to a “DJ Anus” chant because this crowd loves me. Storm says that he’s going to drink all the alcohol, while Gunner will eat the protein bars. Gunner then menacingly ate a protein bar. That made me laugh, Storm says that the Bro Mans will have the shortest title reign in TNA history, but then is interrupted by Bad Influence.
Kaz is on the mic first. He says that Bad Influence is the best tag team in the Biz-a-ness today, and that they will become the “World Tag Team Champions of the World” for a third time. Daniels then says that they are celebrating with the wrong beverage. He looks at Storm and says that beer is for the lower class, and that champagne is for pretentious posers. The crowd chants “we want beer”, and I want to go to Utah and live in this crowd. Daniels says that Appletinis are the drinks of champions. Storm takes the drink from Daniels, tastes it, doesn’t like it, and has Gunner get rid of it, which he does in the face of Daniels. Then we have a BRAWL WITH SOME SORT OF FLACCID REASONING! Then EY’s music hits and he and Joseph Park hit the ring. They join the melee, and Park gets a champagne bottle across his head for the trouble. This draws blood, and as soon as he sees it, he “Abyss’s out”, chokeslams Jesse, and chases Bad Influence out of the ring. That’s how the segment ends. The announcers tell us that the main event is up next.
After another commercial, we have our Main Event.
Match 3: Bully Ray vs. AJ Styles for the World Heavyweight Championship
This match was pretty good, but I have to laugh at Earl Hebner. There was a ref bump, and Earl hurt his knee, right? But it hurts SO BAD that Earl can’t even turn around to see Bully tap. Hilarious. Then he manages to crawl all the way to the other side so he can conveniently miss Anderson run down to distract Bully and cost him the match. He was able to count to three though, so I’m relieved. AJ retains the title in another overbooked mess and Mike Tenay almost had an aneurysm cheering this “great win.”
Another moment of unintentional comedy: Anderson and Bully fight out of the ring and right up the ramp. No big deal, except that Anderson has the cuffs on one of his wrists, indicating that there are some very hurt security guards somewhere, and the security that’s at ringside make NO attempt to arrest him again. Remind me to never hire these guys for anything.
Then Dixie comes on the screen, screaming that “you’ve got my attention”, which was aimed at AJ Styles, but since the brawl was still going on, it was confusing. Even Bully looked up in confusion. Dixie has a contract for AJ, and she’s going to bring it out, right after this commercial.
After the commercial, Dixie hands AJ the contract, and says that she’s been working on the contract all night. She says that there are a lot of zeroes, and she’s even going to let AJ keep the car. AJ says that he’s got a good contract written by a horrible person. He teases ripping the contract, but wipes his ass with it instead. He tells Dixie that he’s taking the title to the people. He takes the keys to the car and walks out of the ring and heads backstage. He finds the car conveniently parked facing the exit with the lights on. He jumps in and pulls out while Dixie protests. Impact ends there.
What a weird show this was. There were moments that I liked, but overall I think they were trying to kind of reset themselves going forward. I wish there was more follow through of the PPV, especially with the X-Division title. It was also very oddly paced with random commercial breaks. Also, I remember back when I started reviewing the show, there were times when the first in-ring segment took up most of the first hour. Tonight was a throwback to this, and I can’t say I liked it. I think Anderson’s return would have been more effective if they just saved him for the main event. Lastly, I think they are FINALLY leading up to the Joseph-Park-is-really-Abyss reveal, so I am interested to see how that goes down.
Plug time! I revisited by boy Thomas Briggs for his podcast this week. We talked a bit about BFG and the ramifications. He was there live too, so he had that perspective. It was a good chat, and I think y’all should give it a listen. I’ll link it to the bottom.
Until next time, that’s all I got.
Do you have any questions or comments? If so please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can friend me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/fozzietjr or you can follow me on Twitter @Fozzie MB.