Hello Fozziemaniacs! Before I get started, I would like to address an email I got recently. It seems that this reader thinks that I bash TNA for the sake of bashing it, that I just look for the worst in everything they do, and ride the ‘negativity train.’ He goes on to say that if I hate it so much, I should pass it along to someone else. There’s more, but the general feeling is that he feels like I am way to negative and hardly focus on the positive.
Now, I have dealt with this criticism before, and the best way I could answer right now is by saying that I don’t look for the negative, it just kind of presents itself to me. When Impact was doing well in the beginning of the summer, I really enjoyed it, and my reviews reflected it. I enjoy watching TNA because it is different than WWE, and I have always said that I would love for it to get better. They have a lot of young talent, plus some veterans, that could really make the show very entertaining, but they insist on sticking with people like Hogan and Sting that do nothing but bring the product down.
So now that I got that out of the way, onto the bashing!
The show opens with Mr. Narrator going over what happened with Aces and Eights at the PPV and the fallout last week. Also, he tells us that Hardy will defend his title tonight because Impact needs a ratings boost. I made that up. But Hardy is defending his title tonight, so that’s cool.
Show opens with Hogan and Hardy, who has two belts around his shoulders. One is his Transformers/Divas titles, and I can only assume that the other is the TNA Heavyweight Title belt. I say that because Hardy’s belt is facing us, while I can only see the back strap of the other one. Hogan then immediately makes me vomit when he thanks Hardy for taking TNA to a place they have never been before, and that Hardy raised the bar at BFG. You think Hogan actually understands what he says, or do you think he just strings together some words that sound positive even though he sounds like an idiot? Hogan tells Hardy that he’s not going to make it easy on him, because Hardy has to prove a point that Hardy is heads and tails above the rest. He says that he is going to pick a challenger out of Anderson, Storm, Bully Ray, and Kurt Angle. Hardy says BFG changed him, and that he is ready for all challengers. Hogan tells Hardy to be ready; Hardy says he is. Again, I have to say that the whole “Hogan Elimination Challenge” or whatever is ridiculous and eats up too much time. Three if the four men were given spots, while Angle had to wrestle just to be considered. He should get the spot for that alone. But Hogan has to make this about himself, because apparently the company can’t survive without him. Hardy leaves the office, and the four would-be challengers are all outside. Hardy walks by in slow motion as his brain, via voice-over, tells us what Hardy thinks of each guy. Yes, that happened. Google it.
In the ring, we have our first match.
Match 1: RVD vs. Zema Ion for the X-Division Title
Tazz and Tenay welcome us to – wait a second! That’s not Tazz and Tenay. It’s Jeremy Borash and Todd Keneley! I don’t know who this Todd person is either. Borash tells us that he and The Todd are going to be our announcers for the first hour and Tazz and Tenay will be here for the second hour. Two thoughts about this: If Borash and The Todd are better than T&T Music Factory; this is a move that will backfire quickly. Second, it looks like TNA is really trying to become WCW.
Hold on! RVD looks like he cares about being here! Must be something in the water. The match is good, but short, and RVD retains. It really showed off the athleticism of both guys, but didn’t do much to tell a story. Ion should have been more aggressive since he was trying to get back his title, but he was little more than a spot monkey tonight. The announcers also did something I haven’t heard in a long time, and that was only talking about the match and not bringing up any other stories or angles. That has not happened on this show in a looooong time.
After the match, Matt Morgan appeared and kicked the shit out of RVD’s head. Joey Ryan swagged his way into the ring and picked up the X-Division Title. Joey Ryan vs. RVD? Book it. I am becoming a fan of Ryan, even though he looks like he should be getting into arguments with Jack about Chrissy or Janet. Morgan gets on the mic and says that Hogan wanted a different Matt Morgan, so he’s going to get it.
Backstage, Awesome Aries is outside Hogan’s office. He rips the guys in the office for kissing Hogan’s ass. He says he doesn’t have to, since he gets a rematch. He says that H double is using those guys for his own amusement, so he will do the same. He is going to stand outside the office and get the reactions of the eliminated. This could be fun. I’m a fan of Aries, just so you know.
Back from a commercial, Daniels and Kaz come out. They have new music. I think it’s called “Badass Theme No. 4”. Kaz says that he and Daniels are victims of a conspiracy. Someone alert R-Truth and Lil’ Jimmy. He says that Mr. Nanny changed Kaz’ plane tickets so he couldn’t be there last week, and that at BFG, he says the Tag Titles were taken illegally by two guys who are probably in the country illegally. Daniels cuts him off. He says that Suburban Commando gave Zema Ion and Ms. Ass their rematches, but the best tag team in the bus-i-ness isn’t getting theirs, and that’s a crime. Not just because they’re the best, but because they aren’t liars. He says Chavo comes out and names every member of his family to get the fans to cheer for him. He says that Dixie is so intent for the Hispanic market that she has them coming out in Ponchos. Daniels says that they should wear sombreros and call themselves “Dos Stereotypicos”. That’s funny. Kaz says that they are going to get their fans to sign a petition to ensure they get a rematch. As Kaz does that, ChavoMex come out. Eddie’s nephew is on the mic, and the segment dies. He says that they would be happy to grant a rematch, and he and Hernandez sign the petition as Kaz screams about getting back his expensive pen and clipboard.
It’s elimination time, as we are in Hogan’s office for the first round of these pointless segments. Hogan is in full cliché mode, as he says that he is down to the 11th hour, and that Hardy is on top of the mountain, and before he cuts the legs out from under people, he wants to know why he should give one of them a title shot. Storm says that he showed what he can do at the PPV and he can do it again tonight. Hogan asks if Bully is still steamed at Devon, which he is. Angle says that he believes that he would still be champion if he didn’t get injured last year, and he’s pissed that he hasn’t received a rematch yet. Anderson says he doesn’t know what Hogan wants from these deliberations, and Hogan eliminates him for not having the passion that the other three are showing. I think he eliminated him because he actually called out the bullshit that is this segment. Just my opinion though.
Outside the office, Aries teases Anderson for being eliminated. “What’s the matter? Didn’t say enough prayers? Didn’t take enough vitamins? Didn’t use enough ‘brothers’, brother?” Aries is gold. Aries tells Anderson that Aries is a bigger asshole than Anderson is which leads to a BRAWL FOR NO REASON! Seriously, they are brawling about who the bigger asshole is. Aries challenges Anderson to a match tonight, and then the director yells, “Cut!” and they quickly show Hardy in Hogan’s office before going to commercial. I hope that this isn’t unfair bashing, but that is f***ing bush league stuff right there. Who’s in charge of editing?
Back from commercial, Devon has a meeting with A&E. He calls the guy who has been in all the videos “VP”. Devon says that he talked to the President and the President said that A&E should not remove their masks ever, because that is their identity. Devon says that he has some women, but before they can celebrate with them, they have to take someone else out. The VP stands up and aims a dart at a conveniently placed poster of the TNA Roster. He shoots the dart, which lands off camera and A&E celebrate their choice of victims by raising their half empty beer bottles/shot glasses, which is amazing since they are wearing masks, and have no visible mouth holes.
Then we have our second match.
Match 2: Robbie T. vs. Samoa Joe for the TV Title
They announced that Robbie T. is from the Jersey Shore because I guess no one remembers he was part of British Invasion. Again, like last week, I am expecting a quick squash by Joe. What I get is Robbie T. No selling Joe’s offense before tapping to Joe’s rear naked choke. The match was like two minutes and did nothing for anything.
After a commercial, they show a video package that was supposed to be about the Tara/Ms. Ass feud, but highlighted Tara’s hot cougar ass instead. Then they cut to Ms. Ass, who is cutting a promo off of cue cards. She is going to win, she reads.
Elimination time! Hogan says that there are three main event guys, and the logical choice might be in this room, or may be a wild card. Wait, what? That made no sense, dick. If the logical choice isn’t in the room, then why are you having the meeting, and if the choice is a wild card, then the choice isn’t logical. Are you sure you’re not just saying words, Hogan? Hogan asks Angle and Storm about Bully, and they both agree that Bully is more focused on Devon than the World Title. Bully basically agrees, and says that is he wants to confront Devon if he’s not chosen. Hogan cuts him and tells him to take care of his brother.
Backstage, Anderson is ready for his match against Aries, and yells at a stagehand to get him.
After a commercial, we have our next match.
Match 3: Mr. Anderson vs. Awesome Aries
Borash and The Todd are amazing on commentary, as they actually out over everything going on in the match. It really made the match enjoyable. You know what else made the match enjoyable? The wrestlers. They really worked hard here, and the finish was creative. Aries pulled out a pair of brass knuckles, which Anderson took from him. The referee took them from Anderson, and Aries took out another pair and clocked Anderson with them while the referee was disposing the other pair. Aries pulled Anderson on top of him like he was getting pinned, but then “kicked out” and applied the Last Chancery on an unconscious Anderson for the win. Pretty clever finish again.
Backstage, Tara is complaining to Brooke Hogan about ODB, and Brooke told her to worry about Ms. Ass. This was bad.
Back in the Impact Zone, T&T Music Factory takes over for commentary. Then we have our next match.
Match 4: Ms. Ass vs. Tara for the KO Title
I wish the match could happen without all the extra stuff like Tara’s “boo”. I don’t like that the 40-year-old Tara is acting like a stupid little girl in love. Tara wins, but the match wasn’t great. So much for Ms. Ass’ push.
After the match, Horseface Hogan comes out. She says that next week is Open Fight Night and that she just got off the phone with ODB who challenges….Jesse. Jesse and Tara make sad faces and Brooke whinnies and goes back to her feedbag.
After a commercial, Hogan is in his office and is interrupted by Joseph Park. Park wants to know if he can get his match against A&E. Hogan denies him, because Joseph only had “one match”. Park says that he wants revenged for being kidnapped, and Hogan asks if the problem is liability or Park’s health. Hogan says both, and Park produces a hold harmless agreement that clears Hogan, Dixie, TNA, and Spike TV in case something happens to Park. Hogan says he will think about it.
In the ring Bully Ray comes out. He again thanks Sting for allowing him to be his tag partner. Bully says that he’s seen a lot in his twenty years, but when Devon was revealed as a member, he was shocked. He says Devon said a bunch of nothing and calls out Devon to explain himself. “Country Badass Theme No. 2” hits and out comes A&E.
Devon says that Bully and him aren’t family anymore, and two years ago Bully did what he did, and now Devon did what he did. He says that this has nothing to do with Bully. Devon says that the whole thing has to do with Hogan. Of course it does. Devon says that Hogan lied when he said he wanted Devon back in the company. He said TNA and Hogan did nothing, but A&E was there for him. He tells Bully that A&E are going to take out those responsible, and Bully isn’t a threat anymore, and it’s over.
Bully then cut a fantastic promo that tied his heel turn two years ago into this storyline. I hope that this isn’t more unfair bashing, but this promo was one if the best promos I have ever seen. Bully has become one of the best talkers out there, and this proved it. You can check the video out here. You’re welcome. Bully then challenges Devon for OFN next week.
After a commercial, Joey Ryan and Matt Morgan are backstage. Ryan is asked why he attacked RVD. He says that normal rules don’t apply to him, and maybe it’s time he put the X-Division title around his sexy waist. His words, people, not mine. Morgan tells Hogan that Hogan started this last week with his excuses to hold Morgan down. He says those days are over and Morgan will do what he wants, when he wants, where he wants.
They introduce a video package for Christian York, who is next week’s Gut Check competitor. According to his video, he has wrestled for TNA before, teaming with Joey Matthews (Mercury). I thought Gut Check was for people who are relatively new to the business. I guess I was wrong.
Backstage, Hogan makes his decision. He tells Storm that Storm has been through a war, and he some big plans for him, but tonight Kurt Angle gets the match. Angle thanks Hogan and Hogan tells Storm they have to talk. Angle is introduced, and then they cut to commercial.
Back from commercial, it’s main event time.
Match 5: Jeff Hardy vs. Kurt Angle for the TNA Heavyweight Championship
Anybody else want to see these two wrestle for an entire episode of Impact? I sure as hell do. They have wrestled each other so many times, and have such great chemistry together, that you know you’re going to get a fantastic match. After they kicked out of each other’s finishers, Hardy managed to roll Angle up for the win. Can I have someone please help me with something? During the match, Hardy hit what Tenay described as the Twist of Fate, but instead of falling down like an RKO, it was more of a Stunner move. He later hit the “RKO” version, but are both moves the same? Or is Tenay an idiot?
Post match, Awesome Aries came out and attacked Hardy. He says that he is announcing his rematch, and no, it’s not going to be on free TV. He says that He’s going to get his rematch at Turning Point, and then walks off with the real Title, and not Hardy’s stupid looking crap. I really hope they book a ladder match between these two.
Backstage, Kurt Angle is getting beat up by Devon and the rest of A&E. Tenay says it makes sense now. Of course it does, dumbass. Devon is hitting Botchamania-esque punches on Angle, though. It goes on for about a minute until Garett Bischoff and Wes Brisco make the save. Because if I’m an unruly biker, I’d be scared of Garett’s Sideburns of Doom. Impact ends with Wes Brisco screaming for a doctor to help Angle.
This show was a nice step up from what we have been getting the past few weeks. I loved Bully Ray’s promo. I’m not a fan of TNA wrestler’s naming WWE, but this time it made sense. I am also a bit confused why the tag titles were not defended on “Championship Thursday.” All the other titles were defended, so why not this one? Makes about as much sense as some guy from “Big Brother” appear in a significant ro—Ahh, never mind.
I give this episode a rating of 5/10.
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