WTF: TNA Impact Review for 10/31/13
Welcome to this week’s edition of WTF. I am pressed for time, so I am going to do without the usual intro paragraph and just delve right in. All ready? No? Its ok, I can wait…… Ahhh screw it, this is the internet.
The open narration started by telling us that Angle suffered an injury at BFG so he wasn’t cleared to wrestle last week, but you can’t keep a cyborg down, apparently. Then we have Mr. Anderson coming back to cost Bully Ray the title, then ends with AJ leaving Dixie Carter and TNA in the dust.
The Dixieland Music hits, and out comes Ms. Carter. She’s angry that AJ Styles left with the title, so she says that he no longer exists, she will no longer recognize him as her champion. She tells him that he can keep the car he stole as “blood and sweat equity” and says she’s going to crown a new champion. She says that she is starting an eight man tournament that will take place over the next couple of weeks. She them introduces the first seven men: James Storm, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Jeff Hardy, Austin Aries, Bobby Roode, and Chris Sabin. After each man is introduced, they show a brief clip of each man’s title win. It was weird to me because it was obvious, or so I thought, that those video clips were not aired for the live crowd. Dixie says that they have only seven men, but before she can tell us what that means, she is interrupted by Bully Ray. Bully tries to speak, but Dixie cuts him off and says that there will be a gauntlet match later tonight to determine the last competitor. Bully asks why he isn’t in the tournament, and Dixie replies that it’s because he lost twice to AJ Styles. Bully blames his losses on Earl Hebner and Mr. Anderson, and the lights go out. It’s Anderson, and he runs to the ring to get him a piece of that hot, Bully ass. They exchange punches, and we get a commercial RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BRAWL!!! What the heck?
After a commercial, we get the replay of the brawl we missed, and then we see Anderson being led away by cops or something, and Assmacher yelling that her “old man” is gonna kill him. Yup, she threatened premeditated murder in front of authorities. Bully then appears out of nowhere and kicks the crap out of a handcuffed Anderson. This apparently is legal.
In the backstage area, someone makes the mistake of asking Garett to express a thought, but thankfully Knux showed up to pull him away before it got too bad. In the ring, we have our first match.
Match 1: Gun Storm vs. the Bro Mans for the tag team titles
This match was not good, and it was short to boot. The Bro Mans retain by cheating, because of course they did. I am beginning to dislike the Bro Mans.
In her office, Dixie is on the phone and Sting walks in. She ends her call, and says that just for tonight, she’s lifting Sting ban on fighting for a world title, but only for tonight. AT least they remembered that. Sting says that she can says what she wants, but Sting isn’t a self entitled douche or something like that. He leaves and Dixie has no idea if he’s accepted the match or not. She was legit funny.
They aired a video package of Abyss making his return at BFG, and then we get Bad Influence in full British detective regalia. They even have funny accents too. I love them. Then this happened:
Daniels: Elementary my dear François.
Kaz: Junior High, my dear Christopher.
Damn, that shit is funny. Apparently they are looking for Abyss. I don’t care about that though. I just think it’s going to be comedy gold from these two.
Then we have our next match.
Match 2: EC3 vs. Not Tom Greene
This is a rematch from BFG. Guess who won? Yawn. I hope this leads to one of these scrubs pulling the upset. That would be great.
Backstage, Bobby Roode is backstage with Dr. Scott. Roode really wants Angle cleared to wrestle tonight, which makes no sense, because this show was taped last week, and he wasn’t cleared then.
They show Sting walking to the ring to attempt to run the gauntlet. Then a commercial. When we return, ODB is cutting a promo about winning her title back, but she’s interrupted by Bad Influence: Sherlock Holmes Edition. They poke fun at her ample breasts and then EY shows up. They threaten him, and he makes a Halloween joke.
Up next is the Gauntlet match.
Match 3: Gauntlet Match to determine the eighth man in the World Title Tournament.
I don’t know how many people are in this gauntlet match, but the rules are this: A new guy enters the ring every two minutes, and the only way you can lose is by being thrown over the top rope. Sting and Kaz are the first two in, and I guess that the Salt Lake City fans have been drinking, because they start chanting “You Still Got It” at Sting. No guys, you’re wrong. He never had it. Speaking of heavy drinkers, I have to point out that once again the TNA creative team has no idea what the hell a gauntlet match is. What we have is a battle royal, not a gauntlet match. I do not know how many god damn times I have to say this. A gauntlet match is when you have a select group of wrestlers, and then it unfolds like this: You take the first two wrestlers and you have them in a match. They wrestle until one of them wins, THEN someone else enters until one of the, win. This goes on until all wrestlers have entered the ring at one point, and one guy has successfully “run the gauntlet.” Anyway, Knux enters the ring before a commercial, and when we return, EY is making his way out. Two minutes later Daniels enters. Cool moment as EY throws Kaz over the top only to be caught by Daniels. Then another commercial.
When we return from the four minute commercial break, Manik makes his entrance. No one else has entered the match during the match because f**k match. Magnus is out after that, and as of yet no one has been eliminated. As I write that, Knux gets eliminated, followed quickly by Manik and EY. Taz on commentary just said that he thinks A&E sucks. Seriously. Magnus then goes all elimination crazy and eliminates everyone else in the match. Magnus is now the eighth man in the tournament. It was ok, but why did only Magnus have to qualify? What made everyone else so special? This is the stuff that alcoholism is made from.
Backstage, we see Kurt Angle with the doctor. Angle is asked if he’s cleared, and Angle says that he’s been advised not to, but he is cleared so he’s going to kick Bobby Roode’s ass.
After a commercial, Dixie Carter is asked about Magnus’ win. She says its good hat he won since he’s worked so hard, and says that the brackets are going to be interesting, because of something she calls the “Wheel of Dixie.” Beer me, please.
Up next is our next match.
Match 4: ODB vs. Gail Kim for the KO title
I absolutely hate Taz on commentary during an ODB match. He always makes these dumb jokes about her looks and I just want to punch him in throat. This time, I think he made a thinly veiled masturbation reference. When’s Keneley coming back? The match itself was probably the best match so far, which is testament to the skills of both Gail and ODB. Gail won the match after a distraction by Lei’d Tapa led to a roll-up.
Backstage, Bad Influence announces that they have solved the “Mystery of the Monster Abyss” and they’re coming to the ring to tell us rubes. Another Bad Influence segment? Sign me up please!
Bad Influence comes out and says that they have solved the mystery, that Abyss has been hiding right here under our noses. In fact, right under the ring. Daniels runs to check under the ring and produces a pumpkin. Daniels sys that it’s not Abyss, but a different talentless vegetable. This cues the music of EY, who comes out dressed like Joseph Park. He says that Halloween is Park’s favorite holiday, and he has something for Bad Influence from Park. He starts throwing punches, but gets overwhelmed by the two. Abyss’ music hits, and out comes Joseph Park in his Halloween costume – Abyss. He cleans house and then poses with EY. At least they’re finally making progress in this storyline.
After a commercial, we find out what the wheel of Dixie is. It’s a wheel with different match stipulations for the Heavyweight Tournament. First up are Sabin and Hardy. Sabin spins and it lands on “Full Metal Mayhem”. HAH! Even Dixie said Sabin has no shot. I love her so much right now.
Then we have our final match.
Match 5: Bobby Roode vs. Kurt Angle
This was easily the match of the night, which was to be expected. The ending was something new-ish. At BFG, they did a finish where Kurt “knocked himself out" doing a top rope move, and here they did the same thing. Kurt tried his top rope overhead belly to belly suplex, and hit hard on the mat. He sold it like a champ. Roode won the match by KO and Impact ends with Kurt Angle staring blankly at the lights.
This was a more wrestling heavy show than last week, but that may not be a good thing. The KO match and the main event match were the only two worth watching. Bad Influence continued to shine even if Kaz couldn’t hold his fake British accent for very long. I am interested to see how the tournament goes now, with Kurt’s”injury”. I wonder if they’ll put someone else in his spot. Time will tell on that one. Also, there is no need for the “Wheel of Dixie” for a championship tournament. Tournaments sell themselves, so there is no need to gimmick them at all. I predict a Magnus win and heel turn at the conclusion, by the way.
Thanks for reading. Sorry if it seems rushed, but I am exhausted. Until next time, that’s all I got.
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