What’s up kiddos?! It’s your boy Fozzie here to bring you this week’s happenings in that crazy place known as TNA. Sorry I haven’t been around for a couple of weeks, but work was a pain in the ass. All is right in the world, at least for now, so let’s just delve right into the review shall we?
The opening video package is of the whole AJ styles situation, and how he went to Mexico and Japan and how Dixie wants her property back. Here’s the thing I don’t understand: If she is going to crown a new Heavyweight Champion, why does it matter? Once the video package is over we get a clip of Rockstar Spud driving in Gainesville, Georgia because AJ Styles told Dixie to come there and take his title. Apparently he’s lost down there. I sense more “comedy” bits later. After that we are thrown to Jeremy Borash in the ring.
JB is standing next to a table with four briefcases on it. He says that it’s going to be the return of the “Feast or Fired” match and that three of those briefcases contain title shots for the different belts, and one contains a pink slip. This match is always kind of fun because you never know who is going to get fired, unless Daniels is under a mask. He then turns to the Wheel of Dixie and says it’s time to spin the wheel to determine the stipulation for the Finals of the Heavyweight Tournament. It’s Magnus vs. Hardy in case you didn’t know. I’m pulling for Magnus, like for realsies. I haven’t read spoilers either because I want to be surprised. Before JB can spin the wheel, Angle’s music hits.
Angle starts throwing around the furniture in the ring. He’s pissed because last week Bobby Roode cost him his chance at the finals. He calls out Roode, who graces us with his presence. Roode and Angle both argue that one guy can beat the other, until it boils down to a – you guessed it – BRAWL FOR NO REASON! Well there is a reason they are fighting. I got it! It’s a BRAWL WITH A MODICUM OF REASONING!!! There you go hippies. Referees and agents abound to pull them apart, but Roode breaks free and kicks Angle square in the nuts. He then yells at everyone to leave, and then challenges Angle to a 2 out of 3 falls match next week. That should be fun.
Up next is a video package of the Bad Influence/Joseph Park feud. It looks like I missed a big development last week, because they show Daniels and Kaz going to the Park’s Law offices, only to find out that they closed thirteen years ago. This all leads to a tag match for tonight pitting Bad Influence against EY and Park. I am so glad they are finally moving forward with this, but I wonder if they waited too long.
After a commercial, we have our first match.
Match 1: EY/Park vs. Bad Influence
The match was ok, but the story was interesting. Park refused to offer up any kind of offense until EY grabbed him in a headlock and punched him in the head. This drew blood, and he “Abysses Out” all over Bad Influence, eventually delivering the Black Hole Slam on Kaz for the win. When the match was over EY grabbed a mic and told him that the reason he could never find Abyss is because Park is Abyss. Park mouths the words “no I’m not” as the crowd chants “You are Abyss” at him. That was pretty funny. Good segment though.
We get a quick clip of EC3 getting a massage. He’s telling his masseuse that he’s going to have a Hall of Fame moment that will make social media explode. I’d rather the rating explode.
After a commercial, EC3 makes his way out. Apparently he wrestled and defeated Earl Hebner last week. I guess EC3 is a Shawn Michaels fan. He says that this week, his opponent will be Jeremy Borash. Borash sells shock and fear, but then Sting’s music hits. I can’t believe this, but I’m actually excited to see him. This is what I thought would happen. Sting starts running EC3 for not accomplishing anything in wrestling, and just getting in TNA based on his last name. *cough* Garett Bischoff *cough* Sting says that tonight there is the “Feast or Fired” match and if EC3 is man enough, he’ll fight in that match, or he’ll fight Sting right now. EC3 says that Sting is on, and they get into fighting stances before EC3 says that he’s going to be in the match later and bails. I wonder if Sting will be in that match.
We have another Rockstar Spud video. This time he stops at a gas station and asks the attendant if he knows AJ Styles. The attendant does, and directs Spud to a bar a mile down the road. I don’t think I like where this is going.
After a commercial, it’s open challenge time with Gail Kim. Gail runs down the competition she’s been getting, and asks for the next challenger. ODB’s music hits, and out comes our White Trash Princess. Gail says that she wants better competition, and she’s beaten ODB many times. ODB says that she’s not here for Gail, she’s here for Lei’d Tapa. She attacks the Amazon, but the numbers game catches up to ODB, until a mysterious redhead jumps into the ring. Holy Shit it’s Madison Rayne! Welcome back! She and ODB clear the ring of the two heels, as I sit here and wonder why the hell Lei’d Tapa is on the roster. You could tell ODB and Rayne were going easy on her, and she still couldn’t sell shit. Good to see Rayne back though.
Back in Georgia, Spud gets to the bar and asks the bartender is she knows Allen Jones. I guess this is the kayfabe bar. The bartender says that she doesn’t serve information, just beer. Spud orders a fancy drink, but receives a beer with a lemon.
After a commercial, the trials of Spud continue as he is on the bar mic looking for Allen Jones. The drunken hicks tell him that the mic is for singing and make him sing. He does a piss poor song and gets thrown out of the bar. Then there is a video package of the “Feast or Fired” match, and then we have Gunner and Storm teasing more tension between them. Why Storm is stuck in the mid-card is beyond me.
After a commercial, we have more of Rockstar Spud in Georgia. He’s apparently three doors down from AJ Styles’ house, which begs the question of why he had to go through all that trouble to find Styles if he knew where his house was. It is kind of funny that Spud runs into the darkness with a penlight as his guide with the giant light of the camera behind him.
Back in the Impact Zone, Dixie Carter makes her way out. She’s pissed that Angle destroyed her Wheel, and ends up making the match with him and Roode official. She then switches gears and says that AJ Styles is the biggest problem she has, but it won’t matter because next week she’ll have a new champion. She then calls out Hardy and Magnus.
Hardy says that last year he won the BFG series then won the title at BFG. He says that next week, he will be champion again. Magnus puts over respect for Hardy’s position, but says that next week, Hardy won’t be the top guy, and he’ll just be the final obstacle. He and Hardy shake hands, and Dixie tells them that will fight in a Dixie Land match. What’s that you ask? Well, here’s a conveniently placed video package to tell us. It’s a steel cage match, but once you escape the cage you have to run to the top of the ramp where there will be a ladder set up with the title hanging above it. That’s interesting. Give credit to TNA for trying something unique. I would have had the match be a TLC cage match, but that’s just me.
It’s time for another video of Spud in Georgia. He finally gets to AJ Style’s house, and finds a door unlocked. He ends up sitting on Style’s couch and putting his feet up – right on to the world title. He sits on the couch holding it, but Styles comes downstairs. Styles says that he received a phone call from a friend saying that a little British man was looking for him. He scares Spud out of his house by saying he was going to invite some friends over, Pulp Fiction style. That was great. Spud flees the house and I hope that’s the last one of these videos we’ll see.
After a commercial, we see Anderson walking in the back. He says it’s time to get serious and get back the World title. Then we have our next match.
Match 2: Austin Aries vs. Chris Sabin for the X-Division Title
Is this really only the second match? What the hell? The match could have been way better than it was, but it was pretty good. The match ended when Sabin almost ran into Velvet Sky who was on the apron, and Aries hit the brainbuster for the win and the title. That was unexpected, but I’m glad Aries has that belt back. It feels like he’s the only one that makes it feel special. I don’t know what they are doing with Sabin though. I know he’s probably going to blame Velvet for his loss, but I hope he joins EGO. He was such a perfect fit with them during the elimination match.
After a commercial, Sabin confronts Aries about using Velvet as a distraction to win the match. Sabin says he’s entering the “feast or fired” match later. Aries says he’s stealing that idea, and he’s entering the match. I’m so confused. Anyone can enter this match? The graphic only had like eight or ten guys.
Magnus is sitting in the back saying that he can’t think of anything but winning the world title for the first time. Then he gets a phone call and cuts the interview short.
Up next is the main event.
Match 3: Feast or Fired
I really wish that this match had less men involved. It was a bunch of bumps for no reason, or so it seemed. Don’t get me wrong, there were some cool sots, such as Joe suicide diving outside the ring and killing Barnes and Fernum, but the rest was kind of weak. The winners of the briefcases are EC3, Zema Ion, Chavo Guerrero, and Gunner, who literally stepped over Storm to get his briefcase. We will find out who gets fired, and who gets title shots next week, but I’m predicting that EC3 gets the pink slip. It would actually make his character a little better, and it fits in well with Sting’s promo. On a side note, Curry Man walked out on the match before it started, which the announcers chalked up to him knowing the stakes, but they completely missed the fact that he actually lost his job once because of this match. Tenay should have known better.
We cut to Dixie sitting alone in a room, when Jeff Hardy shows up, and Impact ends with Dixie asking the recovering addict if he would like some wine. Goodnight everyone!
I did not like this episode that much. The lack of wrestling coupled with the annoying Rockstar Spud segments were key to me feeling like I wasted my time. In fact the only thing worth watching in this match was the Joseph Park-is-Abyss reveal by EY. I do appreciate that they are at least trying new things out though, and the Dixie Land match sounds interesting, but there are still growing pains in a company over ten years old, and that’s kind of sad.
Until next time, that’s all I got.
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