Hello everyone and welcome to this weeks review of Hogan Knows Best! Wait; hold on….this is Impact Wrestling? Are you sure? Umm, ok…Sorry about that. Welcome to this week’s edition of Hogan Knows Best featuring the Impact Wrestling Players! Woo hoo, I’m excited. Or not. Let’s just do this already.
Impact opens with a title card expressing TNA’s sorrow over the Sandy Hook Shootings. Very classy of them. Then Johnny the Voiceman goes over the happenings of the last week, which includes the return of Velvet Sky, the stupid Brooke Hogan thing, and the Austin Aries/Jeff Hardy storyline. Then we finally get underway! Todd Keneley says that it’s Championship Thursday, and with three title matches, it’s never been bigger. Umm, wrong. Please stop Shiavoning up in here, thanks.
Kurt Angle makes his way to the ring. The announcers say that he has a TV title match tonight. Angle gets on the mic and says that it’s championship Thursday, and he wants the TV title. So he challenges Devon. Yes, he challenged someone to a match we were told already was booked. And you guys wonder why this company can’t grow.
Match 1: Kurt Angle vs. Devon for the TV Title
What a shit match. I expected more with Kurt Angle involved, but he’s banged up and Devon is not the one you want to carry a match. Of course A&E is out with Devon, so Angle calls out his back-up: Gary Sideburns, Wes Brisco, and Samoa Joe. If I’m A&E, I am not exactly quaking in my boots over Bischoff’s super sideburn abilities. Words are exchanged, and we have a DUST UP-WITH DISCERNABLE CAUSE! (Thanks to reader Jan Michael Rempt for that.) The referee throws them all out. Of course that doesn’t stop A&E from returning to cause a distraction, allowing Devon to win again. Peachy.
Backstage, Brooke Hogan has ODB, Velvet Sky, Mickie James, and Miss Ass in her office. She’s doing one of those elimination things that I hate. Seriously, ODD is eliminated by Brooke because she should be taking care of her husband, EY. What the shit is that? What’s next? Um, I’m sorry Mickie, but you have two first names, and that’s just not normal. Velvet? I’m more of a cotton person, sorry. These are absolutely ridiculous.
After a commercial, we have our next match.
Match 2: Joey Ryan/Matt Morgan vs. RVD/Kenny King
Wow, they remembered Kenny King for three whole weeks in a row. Is he sleeping with Brooke too? I kid, I kid. This match does nothing but further along the heel turn of King, as he bailed on RVD during the match, allowing Team Sleazy Giant to pick up the win. Joey Ryan makes me think he wears Sex Panther cologne.
They air another 1/3/13 promo, which totally isn’t Sting.
After a commercial, they show AJ’s promo from last week when he “walked away”. Then they show Kaz in the back. He’s asked about AJ. He doesn’t care. He says he has a holiday surprise for Daniels.
Hogan’s music hits, and out comes our GM. The announcers suck his dick verbally, of course. I miss the days when Heenan would straight out express hatred for Hogan. Hogan starts his promo not knowing what year it is. He says the crowd makes him feel like he’s 18 again. That’s senility Hulk. Then Hogan starts his lies. Like for real. I’ll embed the promo for you, but he just goes on about how much TNA has grown into a monster company in 2012. Hulk, I’ve been covering this show for almost two years now, and if you think that anything you have done has accomplished anything, then I think that maybe you need to lay off the drugs man. You rarely leave the Impact Zone for anything, and your house shows do less than what an indie fed would do, and you guys are generally considered the #2 company out there. With all the talent that you have, you should be breathing down Vince’s neck, but instead you choose to build your company around yourself and Sting, because you obviously have no idea what today’s fan wants. I think it’s time that Dixie Carter cuts her losses, and starts looking for a new booker/writer. I have no experience, Dixie, and probably would fuck up a lot, but I couldn’t do worse than what you have now. Hire me, Dixie. I’ll write my ass off for you. Just pay me well.
Hogan is interrupted by A&E, and the announcers act shocked that anyone would disrupt the great Hulk Hogan. He says that Hogan is a liar, and that 2012 was the year that A&E was born and that 2013 will be the year that A&E will be revealed. They surround the ring to attack Hogan, but Bully Ray runs down for the save. Hogan and Bully stare at each other for a minute before Hogan returns to the back. I don’t care about this story anymore.
After a commercial, Short Attention Span Theater recaps the last segment, and then they cut to Jeff Hardy cutting a promo on Aries that he is reading off of a cue card. Then they cut to Brooke making another elimination. This time she eliminates Miss Ass for having valid points. Why not just have a four-way match to determine a #1 contender? Oh wait, that takes focus off of anyone named Hogan. My bad.
Next we have a segment that included Kaz, Daniels, Santa Claus, and James Storm. It ended with Storm super-kicking Santa and throwing gifts into the crowd. I’m not saying it was a bad segment, I just don’t think it merits more of a review than this.
After that, Aries cuts a promo on Hardy. He says that his cameras can’t pick up his thoughts like Jeff’s can, so he has to say what he’s thinking. Haha. She says that tonight is his specialty, a wrestling match, and Hardy doesn’t stand a chance.
After a commercial they air another 1/3/13 promo this time they reveal that it is in fact Sting behind the vignettes. To properly channel my outrage, I give you this:
I’m the sheepdog.
Backstage, A&E reacts to the vignette that just aired two seconds ago, despite the fact that there is no working television monitor, and then discusses what happened earlier with Hogan. They say they need more guys, but then when Devon suggests that he can get another guy to help them, VP says they don’t need prospects, they need muscle. Devon says that this guy is smart muscle. They all vote that Devon should have a sit down with this guy next week. I’m calling Bobby Roode. In case you’re wondering, I don’t read spoilers.
Elsewhere, Brook eliminates Velvet Sky from the title match because reasons. Mickie gets the title shot, and its next.
Match 3: Mickie James vs. Tara for the KO Title
What a shock, a match between these two was good. When my only complaint is that the announcers sucked, then you know the match was good. It wasn’t great, but Mickie and Tara have so much experience together that they know what to do. Tara won after Jesse interfered. And they’re hot too.
They air some more footage of Joseph Park training at OVW. The story is that he can’t handle the basics, but when he gets busted open by another wrestler, he flips out and hits a Black Hole Slam on the guy. They are really milking this split personality, huh? It’s cool though.
Up next is our Main event.
Match 4: Awesome Aries vs. Jeff Hardy for the TNA World Championship
I am not a fan of giving this match away on TV during a taped program, but since I’m neveraround to stream – err, I mean buy the PPV’s, I am cool with it. These guys put on a really good match, and there were no flaws really, with the exception of the finish, but that’s a minor point. The ref gets bumped and of course Aries cheats. He calls another ref down to count for him, but that ref is pulled out of the ring by Bobby Roode, who counts the three, unbeknownst to Aries. Aries turns to celebrate, but Roode gives him the middle finger and then a spine buster. Hardy and the ref recover, and Jeff hit his finishing sequence for the win. I didn’t like the ref bump at first, but it set up what looks like a face turn for Roode, given the pop he got when he hit the spinebuster. Either that or Aries is just so hated that anyone attacking him is considered a face for the moment. All in all, it worked for me, and I’m glad Impact ended with the World Champion celebrating in the ring.
Except it didn’t. No, Impact ended with Hogan being asked about the title picture, and then he catches Brooke and Bully making out. THAT’s how Impact ended. Are we sure this isn’t Hogan Knows best?
It was a whole bunch of meh. Again, if your last name is Hogan, you had the most screen time. Only four matches this week, but the main event was about twenty five minutes, so I’ll forgive them that. But these backstage eliminations have to go, and can we please have an X-Division worth caring about? That’s my hope in the New Year.
On a personal note, I hope this holiday season finds you all well. I am glad that you have taken some time every week to read the ramblings of a grown man who thinks he’s a Muppet. Until Headlines on Tuesday, that’s all I got.
Do you have any questions or comments? If so please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can friend me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/fozzietjr or you can follow me on Twitter @Fozzie MB.