Welcome to this week’s edition of WTF! I do a good job of staying away from spoilers because I like to review this show not knowing what is going to happen, so the jokes are more reactionary. It helps that way. That being said, more than one person has told me that this was a shit show, so you know I’m looking forward to writing about this mess as much as you are looking forward to reading about it. That being said, let’s get on with this shall we?
Johnny Q. Narrator tells us what has been happening over the past few weeks, at least as it pertains to Hulk Hogan, Austin Aries, Aces & Eights, and Bobby Roode. There is also a mention of Daniels and AJ Styles as well.
In the Impact Zone, Bully Ray is out. He says that over the past couple of months, it’s obvious that he and Hogan cannot get along, and has no idea how to prove that he is trustworthy. He says he respects Hogan, and since this is Open Fight Night, he wants to call Hogan out. That’s a way to endear yourself. Oh, he says he just wants to talk. Never mind.
Hogan’s music hits, but Hogan is a no show. Oh look, here’s Brooke Hogan to already kill my hopes for this show. She says that her dad isn’t coming. She says over and over “He knows.” I guess this is referring to the end of last week’s Impact when Hogan caught Bully and Brooke making out in the garage area. The crowd reacts to this the complete opposite way that they should be. They are throwing out jokes, starting “Maury” chants…It’s gold. This may be a sign that nobody cares about this angle. This is really a shock, because it’s really thought out well, and the acting has been superb throughout. No, I’m just messing with you guys. If it wasn’t for Claire Lynch, this angle would get my award for “Least favorite thing ever on Impact.” It’s a prestigious award. Or not. Brooke and Bully leave the ring as Brooke keeps saying “He knows.” Her ad-libbing skills are extraordinary.
The announcer come on the screen to ponder over what we have just seen, but the music of Awesome Aries hits, and as usual, Mike Tenay acts like he has no idea who is coming out. I feel bad for Todd Keneley.
Aries says that last week everyone saw that he had Hardy beat last week, and that he should be the Champ right now. He says that we all know that he is the main event. He says that last week Bobby Roode screwed him out of his title. Aries says he can’t get mad at Roode because Aries screwed Roode. He says that he wants to find out who should be the one to take out Jeff Hardy, so he calls Roode out. But, he says that the only place he deserves to wrestle is the Main Event, so that’s when they will wrestle. Thanks TNA, for never making me ever want to buy a PPV from you ever again; since I know that eventually I will see PPV matches on free TV.
After a commercial, Samoa Joe comes out. He says that it’s OFN, so he wants to pick a fight. He calls out the masked man that has been hitting people with the hammer. Joe vows to beat him and unmask him. That’s our first match.
Match 1: Samoa Joe vs. Masked Man
Anyone want to guess what happened? If you said that Joe won in two minutes and then was run off by A&E before he could unmask the guy, then you win! You get a prize.
Backstage, Robbie E. is talking to Robbie T. They are interrupted by Jesse, which leads to Little Robbie challenging Jesse to a “Bro-off.” That sounds about as thrilling as open heart surgery performed by a guy with Parkinson’s.
After a commercial, Kenny King is in the back talking to Christian York. I remember him! King talks down to York and acts like a conceited jerk. King tells York to watch how King beats RVD again. York wonders where they get these guys.
Up next is our “Bro-off” I’m sooooo excited.
“Match” 2: Robbie E. vs. Jesse in a “Bro-off”
This was one of the worst things I have ever seen. Robbie E. danced, Jesse posed, and then Robbie T. posed, and then danced. If you missed it, then consider yourself lucky. I guess it’s segments like his that make Hogan think that Impact is about to take off. You ever face palm so hard you get a concussion? Watch this segment.
After a commercial, RVD comes to the ring to call someone out. He says that he wants to call out a young, up-and-coming X-Division competitor – Christian York. Kenny King looks sad.
Match 3: RVD vs. Christian York
The match was ok, but that’s mainly because RVD stopped giving a shit in 1999. He picks up the win over the “young” challenger, who is older than me. I’m really bored by this show by the way. I’m almost looking forward to whatever train wreck the inevitable Bully/Hogan promo is going to be.
After a commercial, Devon is with A&E. Devon is talking about the guy he mentioned last week joining the club. He says that this guy may be difficult to work with, but if he joins, he will be better. Devon calls out DOC, who comes out with two hookers. Devon asks if it’s going to work, and DOC says it will. I guess hookers make the world go round. Best part of this was VP giving very enthusiastic thumbs up to Devon for his brilliant plan.
Then they show another video of Joseph Park training to be a wrestler. It’s just Danny Davis saying that Joseph Park sucks, except for that one time when he bled and gave the guy a Black Hole Slam. What a waste of time this all is.
They show Bad Influence in the back by the merchandise stand. Kaz says he is checking to make sure that their stuff still isn’t there. It isn’t. I don’t think Zumbazz pants are popular anymore. Daniels says that Christmas may be over, but there is one gift left to open. These guys are so great, that they could come out and talk for an hour, and I wouldn’t care.
After a commercial, they recap Hogan’s promo from last week, when he said that TNA was a monster and the PPV’s have been off the hook. Lies I tell you! There’s also the announcement about TNA’s wrestler of the year. If it’s Sting, I quit. They cut to Bobby Roode who is excited to beat Aries tonight. They both keep saying that a victory over the other will give them a title shot at Genesis. I’m guessing it’s going to be a three-way match. They show another promo for the return of Sting next week. Guess what I am not a fan of? Anything involving Sting. The only time I thought he was cool was back when he was the Crow, and he shut the f**k up for a year. Other than that, I can’t think of a time that I actually cared what he did.
In the ring, Daniels makes his way out. He fawns over himself by telling us how great he is, and says that he had a great 2012, and he wants to give back. He says that it’s “Open Fizz-Nizz” and that he knows that they said “one last time”, but he meant “one last time before the next time”, and her wants to call out AJ Styles! I smell a rat here.
Styles music hits, and out comes…Kaz dressed as AJ Styles. Kaz enters the ring and proceeds to do one great impression of Styles. It was spot on. Funniest moment was when Kaz – as AJ – says that this has been the worst year of his life, and he should just go find Claire Lynch. Daniels stops him and says that no one wants to see that. Truer words, Daniels, truer words. Daniels says that they are Bad Influence, and we can worship them. Then some music hits to interrupt.
Turns out, it’s out Tag Team Champions, Chavo and Hernandez. It’s been so long since they have been on the show that I have forgotten about them. Hey! Maybe I can work for TNA creative. Anyway, Chavo is on the mic, and in his absence, I have yet to find a f**k to give about him. Chavo said his 2012 was better than Daniels’ 2012, but since it’s OFN, they are going to make sure that Bad Influence’s year ends with a boot up their behind. His words people.
Match 4: Bad Influence vs. Hernandez/Chavo
This was an entertaining match, and so far, the longest of the night. The Tag Champs won, because of course they did, but Daniels and Kaz impress me with their originality. They also busted out a Hart Attack, so that was cool. Hernandez hit a sick dive over the top rope on Daniels, which allowed Chavo to hit the Frog Splash on Kaz for the victory. I just wish I cared. This is what happens when you leave guys off the show on a regular basis.
Backstage, Hardy is asked about Aries and Roode. He says he respects them in the ring, but he is looking for revenge. Revenge for what, I am not sure.
After a commercial, they air a video package of A&E’s path of destruction before cutting to the members in the back. I guess it’s time for us to find out who Devon wants to join the club. This man turns out to be Mr. Anderson, who is sporting a beard now. Devon says that they have an agenda, and it’s going to get physical. Anderson says he’s not sure if it’s the right fit, but then a hooker whispers in his ear and he says he will think about it. I say he should, because then maybe he will be on TV more often.
Back in the Impact Zone, the announcers don’t even react to this news, but instead throw us to the Knockouts, and more specifically, Gail Kim. Gail says that she had a great year until she lost her KO title in a fluke loss. She says tonight she will avenge that loss and calls out Ms. Ass.
Match 5: Gail Kim vs. Ms. Ass
Ms. Ass has improved a lot over the year, but I am not sure how much of that was fighting a veteran in Gail Kim. There was a spot where Ms. Ass had Gail Kim sitting on the top rope and she thought it would be a good time to hit Gail with her vagina. Impressive move. Gail wins the match after hitting her finisher on Ms. Ass. The match was pretty good, and they were hot too, right?
After a commercial, the Sting promo airs again. Please stop acting like it’s a big deal, ok? It’s Sting. He’s a big ball of meh.
Then we have our main event.
Match 6: Bobby Roode vs. Awesome Aries
I am really hoping that this match is as good as it could be. I am a fan of both, as you guys should know, so I am looking forward to it. It’s also interesting because it’s heel vs. heel. Who does the crowd root for? Whatever. They cut to commercial, but before they do, they show Hardy in the crowd, and his brain cuts a promo about how Aries and Roode don’t deserve to be champion. I knew that this match wouldn’t end cleanly, but the way they ended it was one of the most ridiculous ways ever. After trying to cheat numerous times, both Aries and Roode get reprimanded by Earl Hebner, who then gets kicked by both men at the same time, and thrown out of the ring. This allows hardy to come in and attack both guys. Impact ends with Hardy standing tall after hitting the Twist of Fate on Roode. Three-way match, at Genesis, I’m calling it now.
Want to know the most shocking thing of all? There were no Hogan segments on the show. It’s a New Year’s miracle! Despite this, the show did nothing much to end the year on a good note. This was one bad show with a few highlights. Not as bad as I was led to believe, but it wasn’t good. I didn’t need a “Bro-off” ok? RVD needs to start giving a hit or he should be released. It’s terrible when you think that they have all these guys, but due to whatever reasons, they won’t give them time on TV. And where the hell was James Storm? They really need to focus back on what went right with this company this year, and let 2013 really ne a new beginning. I doubt it though.
That’s it for me this week. I am not sure if there will be a headlines this week due to the holiday, but I will see you again next week for our weekly trip into this land of deranged thoughts and ideas. Until then, that’s all I got.
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