By Marc "Fozzie" B.
Welcome to this week’s edition of WTF! As always, I am here to sacrifice my sanity to help you understand the inner workings of TNA Impact Wrestling. I hope you appreciate that. Enough about that, let’s just do the review, shall we?
Impact opens with a quick video update of the MVP takeover before cutting to Dixie, Rockstar Spud, EC3, and Magnus in the ring. We are in Manchester tonight, and boy do the Brits hate this group. They even booed their fellow countryman, Magnus, but when you say the crowd of Brits makes you feel bad that you’re a Brit, then you deserve what you get. Besides running down the crowd, Magnus talks shit about MVP, making fun of MVP’s jail time, and then says that the pecking order in TNA goes like this: The world champ, the president of the company, everyone nipping at Magnus’ heels, and then way at the bottom is MVP. Yup, he put himself above Dixie with Dixie in the ring right next to him. She didn’t even bat an eye. I guess Magnus can run the show. The lights go out and MVP and Samoa Joe come out. MVP announces Joe vs. Magnus for the TNA world title for Lockdown. Then Gunner comes out and says that he wants to cash in his briefcase on Magnus next week. The crowd boos this, mainly because I don’t think they realize that they will see that match during the second taping. Dixie then says that she’s making a match: Gunner vs. EC3 for Gunner’s briefcase. MVP takes it one step further and puts EC3’s briefcase, in which he has a tag title shot, up for grabs as well. He also makes it a ladder match, and as they go to break Tenay tells us that match is next. I should mention that MVP called Ethan “C3PO” and made my night.
Match 1: Gunner vs. C3PO in a ladder match for briefcases containing contracts for titles
I am going to take this opportunity to tell you that Taz is back on commentary this week, and I am severely contemplating muting my television or at the very least, sticking a hot spoon in my ears. So, two minutes in, Magnus comes to interfere, which lead to James Storm interfering, which lead to MVP coming out and pulling a Teddy Long by making this match a tag team match, playa! It’s still a winner take all match, but I have no idea how this is gonna work. What if Magnus pulls down the cases? Is he the new #1 contender for his own belt? And what happens if Storm wins the match for his team? Does he win Gunner’s case or does it default back to Gunner? Please, I beg someone to make sense of it all. Oh, and it goes to commercial.
After the break, the match turned into “let’s just beat Gunner with a ladder for a spell.” Seriously, he got messed up bad. Tension arises when C3PO tries to climb the ladder and Magnus stops him. They shove each other which lead to Storm regrouping and taking out the Whiny Heels. A couple of minutes later, Gunner is pulling down the briefcases for the win. Storm celebrates, but I have no idea why. He literally won nothing. I mean, it’s assumed that Gunner will choose Storm as his partner when he eventually cashes in the tag title case, but there’s no guarantee. Two years ago Storm was one of the top stars in the company, and now he’s just lost in the crowd. What a shame.
In the back, Anderson says that tonight isn’t about a Biker club or world title shots; it’s about the one thing that Anderson has that Bully doesn’t, and that’s family. Anderson shows us a picture of his twin babies. What adorable assholes they are.
After a commercial, the Bro Mans barge into Dixie’s office. They start berating Spud for Gunner’s victory, when MVP walks in from literally, around the corner of the office. Jesus Christ, what shit is this? Anyway, MVP says that the Bro Mans and DJ Zema have a match tonight against the Wolves and a mystery partner. They ask if MVP is the partner and he says no. They leave and MVP says that they won’t like who the mystery partner is, and neither will Dixie.
They air a quick recap video of Abyss being unmasked last week, proving that he was Joseph Park all along. Then we have our next match.
Match 2: The Bro Mans/DJ Zema vs. the Wolves/Captain Mystery
The mystery partner turns out to be Samoa Joe. The other mystery that was solved was who was losing this match. Maybe that wasn’t quite a mystery, which is a shame when you consider the fact that the Bro Mans are the tag team champs and should be booked better than a comedy team. Team ROH picked up the win when Joe made Zema tap to the rear naked choke. I gotta admit, Joe looks way better recently. I was never a fan of his, but he seems like a new man.
Backstage, Velvet Sky asks Dixie to call off her match against Chris Sabin. She says no, and this somehow leads to MVP having a match against Rockstar Spud. Okaaayyy.
Back in the arena, Abyss makes his way out. He has no mask on. He gets on the mic and says that he never wanted things to happen this way, but his good buddy EY made him do this. He calls out EY to see what he’s done. EY comes out, but does not enter the ring. EY says he was just trying to help. Abyss asks why EY won’t come closer and says EY’s afraid/ EY runs into the ring and says he’s not afraid of anything, and that he proved that Abyss and Joseph Park were the same person. Abyss deserves a lot of credit here because he cut a promo alternating between both personas and it was really intense and scary. He ends up telling EY that Abyss needs to go away to get help to fix EY’s mistake. He drops the Abyss mask at EY’s feet and walks away. Again, this was a really good promo.
After a commercial they show another update in the Samuel Shaw/Christy Hemme stalker storyline, this time showing us that Shaw has agreed with Hemme to keep their relationship professional. He takes off his glove to shake her hand, and damn near convulsed trying not to smell his hand. This is some Dexter type shit right here. Then we have our next match.
Match 3: MVP vs. Rockstar Spud
If you don’t know who won this match then you haven’t been paying attention. (MVP won)
Backstage Bobby Roode was looking for Dixie Carter, but did not find her.
After a commercial, there is a vignette for a “new” wrestler named Willow. It’s Jeff Hardy in a mask sounding like he just came from SuperJail. They cut to Dixie crying on the phone to someone before Bobby Roode finds her and yells at her for not giving him a title shot. She says he lost that shot in his match with Samoa Joe. Roode yells at Dixie that she doesn’t want him against her. Then we have our next match.
Match 4: Velvet Sky vs. Chris Sabin
This was horseshit. First, Velvet botched a groin kick by hitting Sabin’s knee. Then she hits him in the nuts, only for him to remove his protective cup, which allowed Velvet to hit him in the nuts again. Then Velvet was attacked by Luna Vachon’s and Nicole Bass’ love child. Seriously, I loved her in Kick-Ass 2. I don’t know who this woman was, but she damn near cock slapped Velvet. Sabin pinned Velvet, but Chyna 2: The Blonde counted the pin. I just don’t know what this was.
Speaking of shitty things that happened, Bully Ray stole Mr. Anderson’s phone and told his wife that he was going to send Mr. Anderson home in a coffin, and to tell the twins that daddy says bye. Man, f**k this Emo Ray bullshit.
After a commercial, Bobby Roode is sulking in the locker room, saying that everything has to come to an end before being escorted out by security. This episode should come with a cryptogram.
After a couple of video packages, we finally have our main event.
Match 5: Bully Ray vs. Anderson in a Casket Match
This was a nice little brawl, but once the casket was brought into the ring, I stopped caring about this match. How hokey can you make these things? The damned thing looked so small too. Couldn’t they get the “Double wide, double deep” casket that they used for Yokozuna back in the day. The whole thing was dumb. Anderson hit the Mic Check on Bully into the casket for the win. He couldn’t even fit the lid on. What a crock.
Our final segment had Dixie and MVP in their office. Dixie offered to buy out MVP’s ownership shares. MVP said that while he would make a lot of money, he came to TNA to make it a better company. Um, have you seen this episode? He makes a proposal for a match at Lockdown. It will be a Lethal Lockdown match with Team Dixie vs. Team MVP. Winner gets full control of the wrestling side of the company. Dixie says no, but after a series of goofy one-liners, I think we have our match, maybe. That’s how Impact ends.
This was easily the worst MVP-era episode of Impact. It was a convoluted mess, and it reeked of poor writing and lack of execution. Taz and Tenay sounded like they were dubbed in over the action, and couldn’t care less about what was happening. To be honest, I kind of felt that way too. I tried to like this, but it was way too messy for me. Maybe next week’s episode will be better. At least we have that Gunner vs. Magnus title match that we were all clamoring for, right? Right? Hello?
Until next week, that’s all I got.
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