Welcome to yet another edition of Impact in the U.K. This is the third show that they have done from America’s birth mother, and I think the natives are willing to put up with another revolution if it means that they don’t have to put up with the “Hogan and Sting: ‘It’s still ’97 right?’ tour.” Anyway, grab your bangers and mash, and let’s get our arses in gear, shall we?
The Narrator comes on, and no, he doesn’t have a British accent, which would have been awesome. He goes over the Garett/Wes heel turn on Angle, Roode and Aries winning the tag team gold, and the Aces and Eights storyline that led to the disruption of the Bully/Brooke wedding and the tables match between Sting and Bully Ray, and his former brother/tag team partner/lover Devon with his partner, DOC. We are then wished a Happy Valentine’s Day by Todd Keneley, and I am reminded why I drink gasoline every Friday night. Sorry, too much? Let’s just forget about that and continue.
Out first is Hulk Hogan, because of course he is. This man lives for his nostalgia pops. I have to admit this though: Impact looks waaaaay better here than it does in Orlando. Hah! Tenay just said that Hogan is like the wrestling equivalent to the Rolling Stones. Oh how right you are, Tenay. Both should have retired years ago, as much of their acts are just rehashes of the old days. That being said, Hogan sure is popular. Also, Hogan sure likes mentioning that he “slammed giants” doesn’t he? Hogan says that he’s got eight guys in the back that will vie for a chance for Hogan to pick them to be the number one contender to Jeff Hardy’s world title at Lockdown. Then he makes for matches: RVD vs. James Storm, Christopher Daniels vs. Magnus, Kurt Angle vs. Samoa Joe, and Bobby Roode vs. Awesome Aries. Wow, those are some damned good matches. Any chance you can set a stipulation that they all have to go at least ten minutes? Hogan says that he will be watching all the matches carefully, and when it is all said and done, he will name his challenger.
He then moves on to “other business.” That business is the A&E business. Hogan says that A&E called out the entire Impact roster for a match at Lockdown. He says he thought about it for half a second, and then called his “brother from another mother” – and I shit you not – “The greatest wrestler that ever lived”, Sting. If I could embed audio right here, the sound you would hear would have been a record being scratched, and a grumpy old man flustering his words in a comedic fashion. There is no way that Sting could ever be considered the greatest wrestler that ever lived. No f***ing way. This is ass kissery at its all time best. I know Sting is a popular guy, but this guy isn’t even top twenty for me. He’s average in the ring at best and on the mic he’s worse. I know you want to put him over, but you could have come up with something a little more realistic than that drivel. Anyway, Sting is the captain of “Team TNA” at Lockdown because you need an aged cartoon character to be the one to bury – I mean lead – the troops into combat.
Sting has a microphone, and he says that he accepts the challenge of the “scumbags” known as Aces and Eights, and that he’s going to review the Impact roster until he can find some “killers” to help in his fight at Lockdown. Then he asks A&E what they are going to do when Sting runs wild over them. I guess that they will just look bored while collecting a paycheck just for being some dudes who used to be mid-carders in WWE years ago.
After a commercial, we have our first of the four “Impress Hogan” matches.
Match 1: Christopher Daniels vs. Magnus
Do you remember when Magnus debuted as a member of British Invasion, and he was third in the depth chart behind Doug Williams and Rob Terry? Well, guess who number one is now. Magnus has really improved over the past couple of years, and seems to be working really hard to become better. His work shows in his matches, as he is crisper, and he seems to connect to the crowd better. Of course that part may be attributed to being in his home country, but I think he’s come a long way. Magnus won the match clean with a flying elbow off the tope rope.
In the back, Bully Ray is complaining to Brooke that he wanted to win the world title, but now he can’t because his leg is hurt, and that he won’t be able to compete. He says he thinks of himself as a warrior in the ring – just like her dad. If these guys sucked Hogan’s dick any harder, he would be able to release another sex tape. Anyway, Bully tells Brooke that he’s going to take her out to dinner and then dancing after the show. She tells him that he left his wedding ring at the hotel, and she gives it back to him. He acts all silly, because he is definitely not turning heel.
After a commercial, they have a backstage interview with Magnus. It was hard to pay attention because they filmed the interview at the same time there was a match going on, so all you really heard was the crowd reactions to what was going on. But, the gist of Magnus’ interview was that he’s twenty six years old, and that he sees himself as world champion material. Sorry Magnus that means you were born in the eighties, not wrestling in them. No title for you.
Then we have our next match.
Match 2: Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle
When the match started, I wondered to myself,”How long until Garett and Brisco interfere?” The answer was “not fast enough.” It’s not just because the match wasn’t good, but also because you knew it was going to happen. They gave Angle and Joe more time than needed, and I don’t know why they did that. In case you can’t tell, I think the match stunk, and they were only biding time until the finish, which was a no-contest because of the interference. I hope this leads to a tag match between the two teams at Lockdown.
In the back, Dixie Carter is struggling to act. Seriously, she’s a terrible actress, and should never have to speak on TV. She’s with some British wrestlers I have never seen before, but apparently they have a match next. And it also looks like it’s after a commercial.
Match 3: Party Marty and The Blossom Twins vs. Gail Kim/Tara/Jesse
Just so you know this match got a commercial break after a minute. I was hoping it ended before we got back from break. It didn’t, and I was subjected to watching Jesse pretending he knows what he’s doing. The match was not good, although they all tried really hard. There was a painful moment when Party Marty dove to the outside and overshot Jesse, essentially throwing himself into the guardrail. I hope he’s ok. I would have enjoyed this match better if the announcers could have stopped debating which one of the twins was actually in the match. Gail won with her “Eat De-Feet” finisher on one of the twins.
Post-match, Gail said that Tara had something that Gail wanted – the KO title. She demanded that Brooke Hogan come out and give her the title shot. Brooke says that Gail could have her shot next week, but she won’t be alone as she books a four-way elimination match for the KO title next week. The other two competitors are Velvet Sky and Ms. Ass. I don’t know how good the match is going to be, but it will be enjoyed.
They show some Dixie Carter interview from a UFC interview that I didn’t pay attention to because I don’t like her voice. I did notice that they announced more locations for their new touring schedule. Let me know when they come to NY. I would love to go.
After a commercial, we have our next match.
Match 4: RVD vs. James Storm
Can we just call RVD “Bored-VD?” He did not like that he ever recovered from the jet lag from the flight from the states. He goes through the motions as Storm tries his best to carry him through the match. Storm won with the Last Call, and by the way he celebrated, you would think he was just glad that the match was over.
Backstage, Joseph Park asks Hogan to give him a World Title match. He says he was told to “politick” by the boys, and that he is running for Champion. Ahahaha that’s so clever and funny. Wait, no it isn’t.
After a commercial, we re-join Brooke and Daddy Hogan mid-conversation. Brooke tells her dad that Bully is just like Hulk, and that Bully got into the business because of Hulk. I swear, I think Hogan just came. Hogan says he would love to have a son-in-law as champion, but he has to remain neutral. I think that was a shot at Vince McMahon and Triple H, but if it was, it’s a few years too late.
Up next is our Main event.
Match 5: Bobby Roode vs. Awesome Aries
Before the match starts, both men take turns on the microphone saying that they know that Hogan is just trying to mess with their master plan to hold all the titles and bring some prestige an honor back to each of them. Aries says that they are on the same page, and they know what they have to do for business. Aries tells the referee to ring the bell. Both men warm up and they both attempt the “Fingerpoke of Doom.” In case you don’t know what that is, it’s the precise moment that WCW ran out of f***s to give. Aries gets on the mic and says that he will be the bigger man, and will lay down for Roode. Aries lies down, and Roode attempts a cover, but Aries tries to reverse it. Both men stand up to argue, and we go to commercial.
After a commercial, we finally have the match. Or, better yet, we had what a house show match between these two must be like. They played the comedy aspect of it so hard, that I could not take it seriously as a match to determine a number one contender. There was even a ref bump, and both men faked getting hit with a chair. Keneley called it a page out of Eddie Guerrero’s playbook, and right on cue Chavo made his way out apparently because of the obvious gimmick infringement. Hernandez is out too, and they entice Aries and Roode to leave the ring. As they do, the ref begins to count both men out, but Aries and Roode are too distracted. When they do realize what’s happening, it’s too late. They both get counted out. And that’s that.
Backstage, Sting and Hogan are conversing about Hogan’s upcoming decision on who to make the number one contender. Hogan feels it necessary to mention that he and Sting wrestled at Starrcade all those years ago. Wow, they really are living in ’97. Anyway, Hogan has to go make his decision, and Sting is glad that it’s all on Terry Boulder’s shoulders. Sorry, that was a lame joke, but I couldn’t resist it. Hogan makes his way out as we go to commercial.
After the commercial, our Geriatric manager makes his way out, because why not end the show the way you opened it – with the inane ramblings of a crazy old man. Hogan says that it’s no longer about him, but it’s about the eight men who competed tonight. What a liar. Hogan goes to speak again, but stops mid sentence when he sees members of A&E surround the ring. They all act like they are going to attack Hogan, but Bully Ray limps down for the save. A&E back off, and the music of Sting hits, and he’s out with cricket bats, and A&E finally retreat back into the crowd. And that’s how the show ends. Huh?
This show was tough to review. On the one hand, the crowd was awesome throughout, and there was a nice feel to the show, but I think some of the execution lacked. The central theme of the show seemed to be the number of lips that could kiss Hogan’s ass at once. As for the number one contender, I would name either James Storm or Magnus as the challenger because they won their respective match, or better yet, have them square off next week, and have the winner of that match be your number one. Of course, that is too logical, and Hogan will probably pick Bully Ray to me the contender making tonight’s matches moot, and that’s the way TNA rolls.
One other thing that I had a problem with for the past couple of weeks was the fact that despite the fact that Tenay has welcomed us “live” I realized that the announcers aren’t at the show. That’s kind of messed up. You think that if they could spare a little more and let these guys enjoy the country. Oh well, what do I know?
That’s it for me this week. In case you’re wondering why I’m posting this early, it’s because I won’t have any time over the weekend to do so. Thanks for reading, and until Tuesday, that’s all I got.
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