Welcome dear sirs and madams to another edition of WTF. I am your Grand Master Not to Sexy, here to provide you with all your sarcastic needs. This week Impact is still in England, and I’ve run out of British slang to use. Can you hurry up back home, please? Thanks.
Mr. “Previously on Impact” tells us about the four matches last week that were set up to determine the # contender to Jeff Hardy’s World Title. The announcers then welcome us to England, even though they aren’t there.
Hogan is out first, again. Can he check into DDP’s house for his addiction to the spotlight? Hogan says he feels at home in England, and says that last week, when he was about to name a number one contender, Aces and Eights got involved with his business. He says that since he had an extra week to think about it, and he says that there is one man that stood out amongst the rest. The man who is number one contender is….Bully Ray. WTF? He didn’t even wrestle in the matches? This just screams bullshit. Out comes Bully Ray.
Bully says that he thankful that he has the shot and that there were other, more deserving men who should have received the title shot. He kisses Hogan’s ass, because of course, and then Bully says that there are more pressing issues at hand, so he proposes a six man tag between three members of A&E against Bully, his tag team partner, Sting, and “YOOOUUU” Hulk Hogan. Hogan accepts and I almost threw my TV out the window. This is the problem that TNA has. The combined age of Hogan and Sting alone is more than the three men that will probably face them. (Anderson, Devon, and Doc) This company must have so many plans for the future.
Backstage, Awesome Aries, Bobby Roode, and Bad Influence discuss their eight-man tag that’s coming up. I liked Kaz throwing up the “Fortune” sign to Roode.
After a commercial, we have that match.
Match 1: Roode/Aries/Bad Influence vs. Storm/Park/Hernandez/Eddie’s Nephew
How come I have this feeling that TNA is just making matches just to have them? This is why I hate the taped format. It makes Impact feel like a glorified house show, and they don’t seem like they put any effort into promoting the following week. It also didn’t take long for the four heels to argue with each other which led to Roode and Aries to walk out on Daniels and Kaz. Then everyone destroyed Kaz giving the win to the good guys.
After a commercial, they show a video for Rockstar Spud, the guy who won “British Boot Camp 2013”. Then we have our next match.
Match 2: Robbie E. vs. Rockstar Spud
Robbie E. has become the jobber of Impact. He’s just there to put people over. He lost of course, but he’s dating Ms Ass in real life, so f**k that guy. Post match saw Robbie T. almost complete his face turn after Robbie E. slapped Big Rob in the face, who then pulled off his shirt, which scared Robbie E., probably because he thought that Big Rob was going to wrestle.
After a commercial, we have our first of two title matches.
Match 3: Velvet Sky vs. Gail Kim vs. Ms. Ass vs. Tara for the Knockouts Championship
This is an elimination match. Tara is eliminated first after Velvet hit her “In Yo Face” finisher, but it was Gail who picked up the win, so we are guaranteed a new champion. This is cool. Ms. Ass is eliminated second after she tried to roll up Velvet, but Velvet rolled through to make the pin. After two minutes more “action” Velvet hit another “In Yo Face” and secures the pin and the KO title. Good for her. I guess the “Year of Velvet” has begun.
Backstage, Sting is with Hogan, who tells Sting to keep an eye on “the old man.” Barf. Sting walks around the corner to Bully, who asks Sting if he talked to Hogan. Sting says that he did, and Hogan is cool with it, so it’s all set for Bully to turn heel. Oh wait; I may be a few weeks ahead of you guys. It’s happening though.
After a commercial, they announce that next week we will have an update on AJ Styles. Then they show a video package of the events that led to the heel turns of Gary Sideburns and Wes Brisco. Then we have our next match.
Match 4: Garry Sideburns vs. Samoa Joe
Samoa Joe could come out skipping to the ring to “Why Can’t We Be Friends” wearing blond curls, knee high stockings, and carrying a giant novelty lollipop, and he would still look scarier than Bischoff Junior. The match is a predictable DQ finish when Brisco ran down to attack Samoa Joe. Kurt Angle limp runs his way down for the save. He gets a on a mic and announces that he and Brisco are going to fight at Lockdown one on one…IN A STEEL CAGE!! That’s unnecessary yelling Kurt. The event is called Lockdown. Every match ever on that PPV has been in a steel cage. It’s not a surprise.
After a commercial, we have our second of two title matches.
Match 5: Kenny King vs. RVD for the X-Division title.
Why does RVD even have this title? He hasn’t been exciting in years. In fact, the only people more bored than RVD are the ones that watch his matches. Kenny pins RVD to win the X-Division title…..is what I would have typed if TNA had a lick of sense. Bored-VD wins again. Yawn.
Backstage, Brooke is with Hogan, and she’s worried about him in his match. What about us, Brooke? We have to watch it! Think of the children! Oh Lord, can somebody please think of the children?!? This train wreck is up next.
They show a video of the attack on Jeff Hardy from a month ago, his thoughts, and how much he is worried about Bully Ray as challenger…even though it was announced only about an hour and a half ago, and there is no way logically that this could happen.
Up next is our Main event.
Match 6: Devon/Anderson/DOC vs. Bully Ray/Sting/Hogan (ugh)
Hogan’s music plays, but he’s a no-show. They play the music again, but Hogan doesn’t come out. A&E jumps Sting and Bully, and the bell rings, so I guess we have a handicap match. The match is as about exciting as it sounds, which is to say, not so much. Did anyone guess that Hogan was going to be dragged out by A&E, along with Brooke, in order for Bully to leave the match to tend to is loved ones, thus leaving Sting alone in the ring to get pinned, and then beat down by every member of A&E? Well, good for you, because that is what happened. Yawn.
This was not a good episode of Impact. It felt slapped together and rushed, just like this review of it. I guess since Hogan was complaining about his knee, that this is the out for him to have the knee surgery. I’m so glad we were saved from not seeing him try to wrestle a match. Also, you want to know the delusion that is TNA? Here are two quotes form Mike Tenay:
(About Hogan’s return to the ring) “Something we have waited for over a year and a half!”
“Look at the quickness of Sting.”
Suck it, Tenay.
Thanks for reading, and until Tuesday, that’s all I got.
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