WTF: TNA Impact Review for 3/28/13
Welcome everyone to this week’s edition of WTF! I am your host Fozzie, and before I get underway, I would like to offer my thanks and gratitude to TJRSports.com’s Allen Stevens for covering this review for me the past couple of weeks while I have settled into my new place right here in Seaford, Long Island! No cheap pop? I would also like to congratulate the winners of the TJR writer search. Welcome aboard, fellow miscreants. I guess John missed me so much, he got seven more writers. Ok, I have babbled along too much already. Let’s get on with the review, shall we?
Mr. Announcer Man comes on my TV to fill me in on the shenanigans from the past couple of weeks. First, he informs me of Bully Ray’s “shocking” heel turn (and subsequent title win) at the last PPV, as well as the fallout from last week’s #1 contender’s match which saw Jeff Hardy become #1 contender for the TNA World Title. WOW, way to keep me interested TNA. If you need me, I’ll be picking lint off my carpet.
The announcers welcome us live to the Impa---wait a minute. This isn’t the Zone. It’s a different arena! I had almost forgotten that Impact was now going on the road. While it’s a nice step forward, I am truly going to miss seeing the same five faces jammed into a crowd of a hundred tourists. Best of luck in your wrestling watching endeavors Guy Who Always Wore N.Y. Mets Apparel and Fat Guy with Bushy Black Beard. You will be missed.
Anyway, here comes the Reborn/Rehabbed/Charismatic Enigma Jeff Hardy, who comes out to a nice pop. Man, I hope he doesn’t ruin this moment by talking. Oops, never mind. He says that last week he wasn’t one hundred percent, but now he is, and he tested himself last week, and he stands here the NUMBER ONE CONTENDER, and since it’s Open Fight Night, he has to CALL SOMEONE OUT! The caps indicate where hardy emphasized his words while talking; indicating that after fifteen years of doing this, he still can’t cut a decent promo. On the other hand, he’s interrupted by someone who can cut a promo, Bully Ray.
Bully comes out through the crowd with the rest of Aces and Eights, including Wes Brisco, the mid-card of the WWE from 1999-2004, and Senor Sideburns himself, Garret “I’m lucky my last name is” Bischoff. Bully says he is tired of hearing Hardy speak. Aren’t we all, Bully? Bully says that they are the Aces and Eights, and asks Hardy why Jeff would call him out. Bully says that if Hardy did, the title wouldn’t be on the line. Mr. Anderson gets in the mic and wonders if Hardy is getting another second chance. I hate to be that guy, but there is no such thing as “another second chance”. It’s just another chance. Stop being a douche please. Anderson complains about all the chances hardy gets, and makes fun of Hardy for his checkered past and Jeff’s ability to sell “merch” and says that the rules don’t apply to him. . Anderson calls hardy a disappointment, and says that Hardy is going to disappoint again, and that leads to Hardy attacking Anderson. That leads to a BRAWL FOR NO REASON! Wow, I missed that more than I thought. A&E beat down Hardy, but as soon as the cavalry (Joe, Angle, EY and Magnus) arrive, Bully orders the troops to scat. Hardy ends up challenging Anderson for OFN, because obviously.
We then cut to a clip from last week, which showed Bad Influence aiding Roode and Aries in their title defense against Eddie’s Nephew and Hernandez, then attacking Roode and Aries during their celebration. Then they cut to Chavo and Super Mex walking backstage wondering how they lost last week. Hernandez blames the “two clowns” Bad Influence. Chavo says not to worry because it’s OFN. Hernandez does his little Mexican whistle thing, and the former champs make their way to the ring. As they get to the ramp, we cut to commercial with Todd Keneley wondering who they are going to call out. Seriously, Todd? You used to be my favorite. The only way they don’t call out Bad Influence is if there is absolutely NO logic being used by creative.
Back from break, Eddie’s Nephew is trying to sound hip and cool, but sounds more like a forty year old man who has no clue what people like. He says that he talked to Hogan and that there was an added stipulation added to tonight’s match – the winner is named the number one contender to the tag team titles. So I guess this match was booked earlier in the day, which means that this can’t be a random “call-out” as it were, so Keneley should have known who The Mexicans were going to call out. Why am I the only one who thinks around these parts? (#hireFozzie) What surprise, they call out Bad Influence.
Match 1: The Mexicans vs. Bad Influence
Can someone buy me one of those Bad Influence: The Move t-shirts? Those are bad ass. In case you couldn’t tell, I am totally biased towards these two. They are so awesome. Wow. Hernandez did simultaneous one-handed back-breakers to Bad Influence. That was freaking impressive. The match is pretty good. I think the new crowds are motivating the wrestlers. In another edition of Todd Keneley: You Used to Be Good, we have this gem: Daniels hooks Chavo and screams “Angels Wings”, to which Keneley says: He may be going for Angels Wings. Vintage Michael Cole! The Mexicans win after Chavo hits Uncle Eddie’s finisher on Daniels. (I know Chavo used the move before Eddie died, so save your bitching please.)
Backstage, Taryn Terrell is acting all seductive and sexy and says that she is glad that her first night as a Knockout is on OFN.
Back after a commercial, Taryn makes her way out to the ring in the best ring gear ever. I have my TV paused to write this little bit and it looks like every male member sitting behind her is checking out her ass. Not that I blame them, though. Lucky bastards. Taryn also has a microphone in her hand, which means she is going to speak, which to most of us will sound like strange murmurings as we just stare at her, but I will do my best to pay attention.
She says that it’s her first night and she can get physical with anyone she wants. Oh please call me out. To my chagrin, she calls out Gail Kim. Oh well, there’s always next time. Gail makes her way to the ring and asks why Taryn would want to call out the best women’s wrestler and embarrass herself. Gail says that she wasn’t the only one who Taryn rubbed the wrong way (there’s a wrong way?) and says that there is someone else who wanted to call out Taryn, and that is Tara. Gail blindsides Taryn and the two heel women beat up Taryn until Velvet Sky males her way to the ring for the save. Where’s Teddy Long to make this a tag match? So there was no match, and the only real surprise was that Velvet Sky’s vagina made it past middle rope without getting stuck there.
After a commercial, Velvet is saying that she came out to help Taryn because Gail has been tormenting her when suddenly Taryn runs away to attack Gail Kim. Tara and Velvet pull apart their respective partners. That was random.
There is a video package for Gut Check, which returns next week with Adam Pearce vs. Magno. Yup, Magno.
Backstage, Sting is stopped from entering Hulk Hogan’s office by security. Sting gets all uppity and yells that he’s going to “that place” which I can only hope is a retirement home. Isn’t a shame that edge is retired and Sting is still around?
After a commercial, they recap the beat down of Hardy by A&E, and then cut to Hogan and Hardy in Hogan’s office. Hogan says he has booked Bully vs. Hardy for the title in Corpus Christi, Texas, and then apologized for burying Hardy over the past couple of weeks. Hardy tells Hogan that he doesn’t live in the past, he lives for the future. Hogan looked confused about the whole not living in the past thing, but recovered in time to tell Hardy that he could pick the stipulation for the rematch against Hardy. Stings music plays, and Hogan gets angry because Sting isn’t supposed to be there.
They then cut to the arena, where Sting makes his entrance. He gets to the ring and says that Bully swerved us all, and he has tried to apologize to Hogan and has been unsuccessful, but since this is OFN, he’s calling Hogan out so he can do it now. What a shitty idea. It’s called Open Fight Night, not the Old and the Restless. Anyway, Sting says that this is his third attempt to apologize to Hulk, and this time, Hulk better listen. Hulk pretty much blames Sting for Sting talking Hogan into putting his faith and trust in Bully Ray. Sting says that ultimately it was Hogan’s decision since he was GM. Hogan then says that he has one more act as GM, and tells Sting to get the hell out of the ring. Sting gets that “Oh no he didn’t” look in his eyes and tells Hogan to make him leave, which prompts security to jump in between the two Geriatric Warriors. Sting ends up leaving the ring, but keeps yelling at Hogan as he does. They should just make out already.
After a commercial, Short Attention Span Theater presents a recap of the Sting/Hogan confrontation that happened about five minutes before. Then they show Sting leaving the building with Matt Morgan commenting that this is another Hogan mistake. Again, very Random.
They show a video package highlighting the recent AJ Styles happenings. Wait, AJ was offered a spot in A&E? And he hasn’t spoken yet? Well, I guess this is 1997 and playing the part of Sting is AJ Styles. James Storm’s music hits, and out comes the Man Who Would Be the Face of Impact. He says it’s OFN, so he’s calling out AJ Styles. AJ makes an appearance in the crowd (at least it’s not the rafters), and Storm pleads with AJ to put the past behind him. Suddenly DOC, Gary B., and Wes Brisco attack Storm. AJ just walks away, but EY and Kurt Angle arrive to make the save. A&E attempt to leave, but Angle says that since it’s OFN, he’s calling those three out to fight.
Match 2: Angle/Storm/EY vs. DOC/Brisco/Garret Bischoff
For the record, I think I’m more terrified of what is hiding in EY’s beard than I am of Garret Bischoff. At least we no longer have to hear about how much heart or guts Garret has. Storm looks to be working stiff on Son of Eric as well, and I approve if he is. This was a very long match, but it really didn’t excite me. The crowd was into it though, but I was more interested in sending an email. It’s like when the NOW would have Scott Norton come out to fight. A&E cheated, of course, which ultimately lead to Brisco rolling up Kurt for the win while Kurt was trying to make Garret tap out to the ankle lock, which means no one knows what the hell is going on anymore.
Backstage Bully, Devon, and Anderson toast the victors of the last match for a job well done despite the fact that there are no monitors present and no way of knowing what happened in the match. Bully also comments to Anderson about the size of the balls of Jeff Hardy for wanting to fight Anderson, and the size of the balls of Hogan for allowing hardy to pick the stipulation for their title match. Anderson goes all Ken Shamrock on us and starts screaming that he’s going to lose his freaking mind tonight and attacks the table with a hammer that appeared out of nowhere, like in the cartoons. Bully says that Anderson is fired up. Thanks Captain Obvious! You’ve done your job nicely.
After a commercial, they show a video package for the highlighting the changes in the X-Division. I don’t like that all the matches are three-way matches. It’s going to turn the X-Division into a spot fest with no story telling. Also, the loser of the match is out of the title picture? Are they just making things up as they go along? It’s confusing to me. They cut to Jeremy Borash in the back and says that since Sonjay Dutt took the loss last week, he has to win a qualifying match next week to get back into the title picture. His opponents? Mason Andrews and – Holy Shit! – Petey Williams. Awesome. He has been missed.
They then air another recap of Bully’s heel turn and then show the opening segment again leading into our main event.
Match 3: Jeff Hardy vs. Anderson
The announcers put over that this is a PPV quality main event, but it’s not just there for me. I would like it to be, but I’m not feeling it. I had a feeling that the match wasn’t’ going to end cleanly, but it was Hardy getting DQ’d after hitting Anderson with the Hammer of Doom. Hardy then attacks Anderson with a chair, sets up a table, then pulls out a ladder. Foreshadow much? Hardy puts Anderson on the table, but Bully saves Anderson before Hardy can do anything. Hardy – who has been sitting on top of the ladder since Bully ran out – now has a microphone. Is he a cartoon too? Would make sense if you think about it. He says that he made up his mind and that in two weeks the stipulation will be a no holds barred, anything goes, tables, ladders and chairs included – Full Metal Mayhem. Bully – who is clearly a better heel – approves of this message. I thought that was awesome. Too many cowardly heels and not enough “Come at me bro” heels. This is the end of Impact.
I really don’t know what the direction of this episode was, but it didn’t go there. I know that TNA can pull off live episodes, but the flow tonight seemed a bit off. Plus, there were only three matches? What the hell is that? Where were Roode, Aries, Joseph Park, or the X-Division guys? If I paid for a ticket to see this show, I would have been disappointed. That’s just me though.
That’s all for me this week. I’ll be back on Wednesday with Mike for our own brand of Headlines, and next week is my Wrestlemania trip. If you’re going to be there, look for the self obsessed lose in his own custom made t-shirt. Standing next to him will be me. Until next time, that’s all I got.
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