Welcome once again to the best weekly Impact Wrestling review on the internet, provided your internet doesn’t work properly, and you can’t find anything else to read. As usual, I am your tour guide though this museum of the macabre, so let’s just sit back, relax and enjoy what I have to offer. If you are wondering why this is being posted so early, it’s because like most of the writers here, I am headed to Wrestlemania this weekend. If any of you are going and want to meet your favorite wrestling writers – and Mike Aires – then look for the crazy cavalcade of drunkenness that will surely be around. We’ll be the group next to them trying to assure Andrew Johnson that world is not out to get him. Now – To the Review!
Mr. Announcer Man ( ©FozzieTjr) gives us the rundown of the latest happenings in the crazy old world that is TNA, including poor Brooke Hogan and her feelings, Hogan and Sting’s beef, AJ Styles’ latest attempt to channel “Sting ‘97”, and Hardy challenging Bully Ray to a “Full Metal Mayhem” match next week in Texas.
In the arena, Aces and Eights make their way out. Ken Anderson is on the mic first, and he immediately calls the fans douchebags, because he’s classy. He has an A&E vest in his hands, and says that it’s for AJ Styles because really, they think that no one remembers the NWO/Sting angle at all. Next up on the mic is Devon, who holds up a yellow folder and says what’s inside is for Brooke and it will give new meaning to the words “changed relationship.” Then D’Lo gets on the mic and says that he has a present too, but it was one that he received – his notice of termination from TNA, which he received straight from TNA World Headquarters, which in case you don’t know, is located in the back of the Denny’s on I95, right past The Waffle House. D’Lo demands to speak to someone from TNA management about his termination, and asks for one of the higher-ups to come to the ring. Instead, he gets Kurt Angle.
Angle says that he has something to say, and he’s not going to use Twitter to tell D’Lo how he feels, he’s going to say it to his face. He then tackles D’Lo before getting jumped by the rest of A&E. But hold the phones! Here comes the cavalry! It’s Magnus, EY, Samoa Joe and…Joseph Park? Sure, ok. I know he’s had his issues with A&E, but he just seems so out of place there. Then we have an INCIDENT WITH AN IDEOLOGY! A&E scamper away from the ring as the announcers tell us that the main event is a ten man tag. Great…
Backstage, Brooke Hogan is sexually harassed by Joey Ryan. Despite this, she allows Joey Ryan to referee a Knockouts match. She is either the worst boss of the greatest boss. It all depends on your perspective.
After a commercial, we have that match.
Match 1: Taryn Terrell/Velvet Sky vs. Tara/Gail Kim
Again, how do you allow a guy like Joey Ryan referee an all-girls match? He’s just checking out the girls. Granted, it’s what I would do, but it’s also the reason I don’t have that job. Ryan hasn’t even attempted to count any near falls either. This may turn out to be an all day affair. Eventually, Gail starts to flirt with Joey, and he quick counts a roll-up that gives Gail and Tara the win. What a waste of my time. After the match, Taryn and Velvet conspire to give Joey Ryan a low blow. What a couple of bitches.
After a commercial, the teams of Roode/Aries and The Mexicans are in the ring. It’s a contract signing. Jeremy Borash is the moderator for this “special event”. Aries says that they aren’t World Tag Team champions; they are a tag team of World Champions. An awesome line from the Awesome One. Roode asks if either of the Mexicans have been world champions. Of course they haven’t. Chavo says he’s a Guerrero. That’s not the same thing, dick. The two teams argue about adding stipulations and they each add one. Next week the two teams will fight in a two out of three falls match, and if The Mexicans lose they have to split up. Yet another waste of time. I’m beginning to notice a pattern.
They air a video package for Adam Pearce, one of our Gut Check competitors. It was really well done.
After a commercial, they air a video package for Pearce’s opponent tonight – Magno. Its narrated in Spanish by Magno himself – with subtitles of course. At the end though, Magno switches to English, which means that he just made me read for no reason. What a dick.
Match 2: Magno vs. Adam Pearce
The match was not very good. Magno is TNA’s answer to Sin Cara, as he was not very fluid with his moves. Pearce looked a lot better, but he won cheaply by holding the ropes. Why would they book a Gut Check match that way? Makes no sense.
After another commercial, we see AJ the Quiet walking in the back. A&E come up and offers him the vest. I love reruns. Then we get a video package of the Bully Ray/Sting/Hogan story before we cut to Hogan, who says that Sting isn’t here tonight, but he’s looking for a warrior, and has to go check on one right now. Then we have yet ANOTHER commercial. I would love for them to just start recapping the commercials. Maybe then I could enjoy myself.
When we return, Angle is in the back with Joseph Park. Park says that he’s ready for a fight, and that Angle could count on him. Angle tells Joseph to just follow Angle’s lead. Remember when Park made his debut looking for his brother, Abyss? Whatever happened to that?
Hogan’s music hits and I really started wishing they would cut to another commercial. Hogan says that he’s not going to make the same mistakes he made in the past. Does that mean he is finally going to retire? Damn, doesn’t look like it. Hogan says that he’s going to start going with his gut, and his gut is telling him to call out one man – AJ Styles. Styles comes out, and he still has the A&E vest in his hand. Hogan asks AJ if AJ is sending him a message by bringing the A&E vest with him. Hogan says that he’s been where AJ has been, and he gets it. When was Hogan ever held someone down in favor of someone whose better days are way behind him? Someone Google that and let me know, ok? Hogan says that until recently, AJ always held up under the pressure, but lately he’s been different. Hogan says that TNA is AJ’s home, and they need the help of someone dangerous – like the new AJ Styles. AJ looks down at the vest and says “You want me to help you?” James Storm’s music hits and out comes The Cowboy.
Storm is mad at AJ for AJ just watching his friend of 17 years get beat up by A&E. Storm really earned his promo stripes here. It was as passionate as anything he’s done. He told AJ that if he wanted to go join A&E he should. Styles just walks away from it all. Then we have another commercial.
When we return from the commercial, Hogan says he’s done sucking up to AJ Styles. Either AJ gives him an answer next week or AJ’s out of the company. Then we finally have a match!
Match 3: Petey Williams vs. Sonjay Dutt vs. Mason Andrews
You know what I like about the X-Division? I like the unique moves and fast pace. You know what I hate about the X-division? That’s about all we are going to get now that they are all triple threat matches. That being said, I enjoy the matches. It’s a change of pace from the usual. I am also happy to see Petey Williams back. By the way, the Canadian Destroyer is still one of the most visually impressive moves I’ve ever seen. Williams hit that move on Andrews for the win.
In the A&E clubhouse, Bully Ray is mad that Kurt Angle got involved in club business. What did you expect would happen? He says that in the tag team match tonight, all his guys are going to represent, even Garret Bischoff, which just goes to show that all those chair shots he took in the 90’s have finally taken their toll. Bully also says he misses his wife, and that tonight he’s going to call her to the ring, and present her with Mystery Envelope O’Doom. Then they toast the club with their slogan “When you ride with the Aces & Eights, you never walk alone.” I like it. It’s about time they act like a legit team.
After a commercial, they air a video package for the World Title Match. Then we have our main event match.
Match 4: Angle/Magnus/Samoa Joe/EY/Joseph Park vs. Wes Brisco/Garry Bischoff/Knux/DOC/Devon
Well, this match happened. This is what I hate about multi-man tag matches: Too much going on, and it’s hard to get everyone involved. Eventually the match broke down and A&E won when DOC hit Park with a low blow and rolled him up while everyone else was otherwise occupied. It’s good that A&E got the win, but they need dominant wins in order to be legitimized. Just my two cents.
Backstage, Brooke is telling her dad that she doesn’t want anymore drama, and that Bully is probably going to give her divorce papers, so she wants to get this over with as soon as possible. So do I Brooke…so do I.
After a commercial (surprise!) they air a video package about the Brooke/Bully relationship. Bully Ray then makes his way to the ring. Bully gets on the mic and says in seven days he’s defending the title against Jeff Hardy. He questions Hardy’s reasoning behind challenging Bully in a match that involved tables, ladders, and chairs. But, that’s next week. Now, he wants to call out his wife.
Brooke’s awful yet catchy music hits and out comes Mrs. Bully. She gets in the ring and Bully starts channeling his inner 1940’s sexist male, and starts chastising Brooke for not wearing her wedding ring and not doing what she’s told. He really lays it on thick. Brooke on the other hand is terrible in this segment. He finally gives her the envelope, which Brooke assumes is the divorce papers, but in reality is a front row ticket to next week’s show. Wait, what? That’s the big reveal? A F***ing ticket? She’s the daughter of the GM of your company. She has backstage access. I’m pretty sure she can sit wherever the hell she wants. Oh, Bully wants her to watch him beat Jeff Hardy up close. Like most TNA reveals, this was a disappointing one. How does this change their relationship? Bully starts insulting Brooke again, which leads her to slap him. He just laughs it off and then acts like an abusive prick towards Brooke until Jeff Hardy runs out for the save. My DVR ran out just as Hardy hit the ring, so I don’t know how Impact ended, but I am going to say that Bully got out of dodge, and then talked shit from the entrance ramp.
This was a bad show. Granted, there were some highlights, but overall the show was plain brutal. I want anyone with the surname Hogan off TV forever. The both of them suck major ass at their jobs, and for a legit father/daughter team, they have weird, awkward chemistry together. It’s very painful to watch, much like this show.
That’s going to do it for me this week. If you need me, I’ll be living it up in Jersey for the next few days. Until I get back, that’s all I got.
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