Welcome to another edition of WTF, the only wrestling column on TJR that really focuses on the truly important and relevant – ahh screw it! I’m here to make fun of Hogan and praise Aries. Is that too much to ask? Didn’t think so. That being said, let’s get to this thing.
The video opening this week is of the AJ/Kaz/Daniels saga from last week where it was revealed that AJ may or may not have an inappropriate relationship with Dixie Carter. I can’t believe this to be true. If it was, then why is AJ stuck in yet another feud with Daniels? It’s perplexing. If you don’t think this is boring and repetitive, then you sir, are not paying much attention to things.
After the video package, we cut to the Impact Zone and we are greeted by our World Champion, Bobby Roode. He says that no matter how many times the odds are stacked against him, he overcomes the odds every single time. He mentions that he beat RVD at Sacrifice in a match that RVD picked, and perfected, a ladder match. He put over RVD for being Mr. PPV, but at the end he climbed the ladder and proved all of us wrong again. The crowd boos. Roode tells them to continue chanting his name “Roooode” “Roooode”. I was saying Boo-urns. He says that next week he will become the longest reigning TNA champion in TNA history, and he’s going to throw a party next week to celebrate: “The It-Factor’s Celebration of Domination.” He says that in order for it to go off without a hitch, he needs to call out one man, so Hogan, get your ass out here.
Hogan’s music hits, and Mr. Bollea crip walks to the ring. No, he’s not a gang member, just old. I can’t take anything Hogan says or does seriously anymore. He’s washed up and has a serious case of “I know-I-should-retire-but-I-can’t-until-I-bury-everybody –itis”. Roode says he has a list of demands for his party next week. If he asks for ice cream bars, I’m punching my TV in the face. Roode wants his dressing room redecorated, five bottles of champagne, green M&M’s, and gold confetti flown from Canada, where real champions are made.
Hogan gets on the mic, and tells Roode he has seen some great champions, and proceeds to mention Harley Race, Lou Thez, Macho Man (RIP), The Harts, and himself. Wow, not one mention of ANYONE from TNA. He couldn’t drop Angle’s name? Or Styles? Or even Samoa fucking Joe? God damn, Hogan, I get it. You’re old. But can you please get out of the fucking past and please for the love of the business, put over some talent from today’s generation? How am I supposed to care if you don’t seem to? Anyway, Hogan says that before Roode became champion, everybody was in the locker room was “stabbing people in the back, jockeying for position.” Really Hogan? Were they also stepping on necks? He says that since Roode became champion, all that has changed. He says they are all after him now. He also says that Roode hasn’t become champion yet, and rips up his list of demands. He says that next week it is Open Fight Night, and he’s making Roode defend his title. Hogan says that he took a poll and asked who wanted to fight Roode, and had a few people stepped up. He invited those people out. Out comes most of the locker room. Hogan says he wants to narrow it down to four guys, so he books four qualifying , matches: RVD vs. Bully Ray, Hardy vs. Anderson, Angle vs. Samoa Joe, and a battle royal between Aries, Robbies E & T, Gunner, AJ Styles, EY and ODB, Magnus, and Garett Bischoff. If Garett Bischoff wins, I will fucking riot. And by riot I mean I will scream at my TV and curse Dixie Carter’s name until my neighbors call the cops on me. I may even throw something.
After a commercial, they show Abyss’s surprise return to the Impact Zone. Then we have our first match.
Match 1: Bully Ray vs. RVD
EC-dub! EC-dub! EC-dub! What, I can’t live in the past like Hogan does? You know who I would have liked to see in this match? Almost anybody else. I don’t mind Bully Ray because his character is still pretty fresh, but I’m done with RVD. He doesn’t care anymore. It showed in this match too. RVD was just doing stuff. The end came when RVD missed his top rope thrust kick and Bully hit an RKO on RVD that the announcers referred to as a version of the 3-D. Yawn. I’m glad Bully won.
Match Rating: * ½
After a commercial, Bully is pissed off at the Kardashians. No seriously. He’s mad that “Kourtney, Khloe, (and) Heavy” are on the anti-bullying campaign. He is interrupted by Joseph Park. Bully is mad at him because Joseph interjected himself into the Bully/Aries match. Blah, blah, blah later and Bully tells Joseph to stay away from him. Bully flips Joseph’s tie and walks away as Joseph has a constipated look on his face.
Up next, they re-hash the signing of some MMA fighter that once called my friend an idiot on twitter. Oh, and can someone please tell me how this is supposed to help the product? Shouldn’t they just focus on the guys they have now, rather than sign King Mo, who will no doubt end up making the entire roster look weak? #RandomQuestion
Backstage, Gail Kim is walking with Madison Rayne, complaining she has to defend her title in a three-way match against Assmacher and Velvet Sky. If you are that upset, I’ll take your place. Madison is not listening because she’s dreaming of some guy, so she walks away and Gail is immediately confronted by Velvet and Assmacher, who say that Gail will lose her title tonight. They then walk away with their arms around each other, presumably to have sex. I could be wrong.
We then have the introductions for the battle royal, which is broken up by a commercial. After the commercial, we have our battle Royal.
Match 2: Battle Royal to determine who will move on to the Open Fight Night Challenge
To be honest, I have no idea how this is going to work. Will there be a tournament next week with all the winners from this week? It’s not like TNA to be confusing with their stipulations. More participants in this match include Crimson and Devon. I guess Devon won’t be defending his TV title this week. So much for that. Madison Rayne appears at the top of the ramp. Obviously her “crush” is in the battle royal. We are also in fifth grade with this storyline, apparently. Again, if it’s Garrett Bischoff, I’ll have to seriously hurt something. They cut to commercial, and when they return the final five are in the ring: AJ Styles, Gunner, Awesome Aries, Devon, and Garett fucking Bischoff, who eliminates Devon. Oh fuck. Then Garett eliminates Garett! He does so by yelling “Get out of my ring!” That’s great. Anyway, Gunner eliminates Aries (da fuck?) and then Styles eliminates Gunner to win the battle royal. That’s cool. To be honest the only person I wanted to win was “not Garett Bischoff.” AJ winning is good though. Maybe he will finally be used properly.
Match Rating: **
They cut to commercial immediately after the match, but Tenay promises we will hear from AJ when we return.
When we return, they air another recap of the Styles/Daniels/Kaz story. AJ is on the mic. He tells Hogan to put him in the ring with Roode, and he will end Roode’s reign. He then addresses the photos. He says that things are not always as they seem. He says that he and Dixie have a business relationship and that they are both happily married, so he understands how this can get misconstrued. He calls Dixie a beautiful, wealthy woman, and repeats that things are not always as they seem. Daniels/Kaz music hits and out come out new tag team champions. Daniels say that AJ has a nice high flying move set, but last week we all saw the type of moves that got AJ where he is today. Kaz grabs the mic and says that this hasn’t been about destroying lies, but about exposing truths. He wants to know the truth about the pictures. AJ says that he has told the truth. Daniels says, ok, maybe they misconstrued the photos, but that’s why they invented video. Daniels then pulls out his iPad and shows a video of Dixie and AJ walking in a hotel with their arms around each other. Then the video shows AJ pulling Dixie into the elevator. So AJ’s sleeping with the boss? That may be the reason he is still in TNA. I mean what would he do if he signed with Vince McMahon? AJ leaves the ring after the video while betting berated by Daniels.
They show a highlight of the Samoa Joe/Kurt Angle feud from a few years ago. Then they cut to backstage where Angle and Joe are talking. They talk shit but then they have a BRAWL FOR NO REASON!!! Oh yeah!! I love those things.
Backstage, Anderson is looking through his iPad of footage from his match at Sacrifice with Jeff Hardy that ended with a screwy finish. He says he will beat Hardy tonight.
They show the #7 moment in TNA history. This week’s moment is the X-Division title match between AJ/Daniels/Samoa Joe that I have never seen, but have heard nothing but good things about. Then we have our next match.
Match 3: Mr. Anderson vs. Jeff Hardy
Can these two please move on to other things? I am tired of this match. Man, Hardy’s face paint is ridiculous. He looks like he stepped out of Avatar. The match is ok for a TV match, but after seeing these two guys wrestle each other so many times, it was just meh. The match ended after Anderson reversed the twist of fate into his Fireman Carry flip thing, and Hardy reversed that into a pin. They hugged afterwards. How sweet.
Match Rating: **
After a commercial, they showed another highlight of the Angle/Joe feud. Then we have our next match.
Match 4: Gail Kim vs. Velvet Sky vs. Assmacher for the Knockout’s Title
This match brought to you by Jergens hand lotion, in conjunction with Kleenex Tissues. Gail looks bored to be there. Cheer up, Gail, at least it’s not the Bellas. The match did everything it could to make ne not care about beautiful women in revealing outfits. The finish had Velvet hitting her finish on Assmacher, but getting thrown out of the ring by Gail, who picked up the win. What a boring match. At least they’re hot, right?
Match Rating: *
After a commercial, they show highlights of the company from the last ten years. Then they recap the first three qualifying matches. We then have our next qualifying match.
Match 5: Samoa Joe vs. Kurt Angle
I have never been a big Samoa Joe fan, to be honest. I know why he’s viewed as great, but he is not my cup of tea, so to speak. I like him more in his team with Magnus. This match did nothing to change my mind, especially since they cut to commercial in the middle of the match. After the commercial, Booby Roode is out on commentary. He keeps saying that he will win next week. The match picked up a little as well, but still was just kind of there. Angle wins with a roll-up from the corner after blocking a muscle-Buster.
Match Rating: **
Post match, Roode leaves the announce position and the other qualifiers come out from various points of the arena to warn Roode that he is jeopardy of losing his title next week. Impact ends like that.
This was an ok show, nothing special really. The matches were all been there, done that, and I was kind of bored throughout the show. It wasn’t a bad show, just boring. It was a lot better than the crap we got two weeks ago, and a bit better than last week. I did enjoy the focus on the world title though that was refreshing to see, but it would have been more refreshing to see some new blood at the top of the card. Aries should have been there, plus they could have had matches with people who have never won a world title before, that way we could see some new faces. It’s kind of like what WWE did with Sheamus a few years back. Anyway, that’s it for me this week, I’ll see you Tuesday, when I am forced to carry Mike through another edition if Headlines.
Overall Rating: 5/10
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