Hello again fellow followers of the mundane! It is I, Fozzie here to bring you though the nonsensical styles of TNA Impact Wrestling. I am pressed for time, so let’s just do this already, shall we?
Since my DVR is totally uncool, we pick the show up already in progress with Sting and Hogan in the ring. Hogan is telling Sting that last week didn’t end pretty for the two geriatric icons, and Hogan almost hit Sting. But Hogan says that he can admit his mistakes, and his biggest mistake was pushing Sting away. He apologizes to Sting. Sting accepts his apology and asks Hogan if he can put together a team for tonight and have a six man tag against Aces and Eights. Hogan agrees, and then changes the subject to who is going to fight Bully Ray at Slammiversary. Generic Theme #45 hits and that brings out Matt Morgan.
Morgan is angry because he thinks Hogan is going to hand Sting the title shot. Hogan assures that from now on, nobody gets handed anything. Hogan says that the winner of tonight’s main event will be t number one contender. The main event? Matt Morgan vs. Sting. I thought Sting was doing the six man? I’m confused. Oh well, that’s TNA for you.
A video package airs of Chris Sabin’s return to action tonight. He talked about being injured almost as soon as he returned from his last injury, and that doctors told him to quit wrestling. He says he’s back to become the World Heavyweight Champion. Chris, I’m a fan and all, but you’re under 40. Sorry, no World Title for you.
After a commercial, we get an Angry Kurt Angle yelling at someone or something about issuing a challenge tonight to any member of A&E. Then we have our first match.
Match 1: Sonjay Dutt vs. Zema Ion vs. Chris Sabin
I am not a fan of all X-Division matches being three way matches, just so you know. There is no chance for a good rivalry, and with the lack of x-Division guys, you’re going to see a lot of the same matches, it is going to get boring fast. Why is the referee wearing a camera on his head? That is very distracting, plus he looks ridiculous. Also, the match was obviously edited, which made it come off as choppy. Why do they insist on ruining one of the best things they have? Anyway, Sabin wins, because he’s making his return. He now gets to fight Kenny King and Petey Williams for the X-Division title the next time the gold is on the line. That’s almost exactly how Keneley worded it. No mention of date for the match though. What a shitty booking process.
Backstage, Robbie E. is with his new BFF Jesse. Whoever thought of putting these two guys together deserves an award. Their characters are so dumb, it’s perfect. Anyway, they are deciding what to do about Rob Terry. You know how you handle Rob Terry? Just wave your hand in front of his face and tell him you’re not the droids he was looking for. Jesse suggests that they get Joey Ryan to join their team, and have a three on one match. This team just got better, and creepier. Joey Ryan makes you feel like you can catch a disease just by looking at him.
Backstage, A&E is in the back. Bully Ray wants to know who is going to handle the Kurt Angle problem. Brisco and Little Bischy both say that they will do it, but then D-Lo brown interjects and says that he will take out the Olympic Hero. “Wow, that can be a good match!” said 2001.
In the arena, we have our next match.
Match 2: Robbie E./Joey Ryan/Jesse vs. Rob Terry
Did anyone think that the outcome would be Rob Terry losing? No. Good, then you’ve been paying attention. I still have no idea why they are getting behind Terry like this. He is terrible, like Mason Ryan terrible.
After a commercial, we are joined by the It Factor himself, Bobby Roode, and his partner Awesome Aries. Roode is on the mic. He says last week Daniels and Kaz got into Roode’s head when they were talking about getting Fortune back together. He says that it wasn’t really about getting Fortune back together, but more about their jealousy of A-Double. Aries gets on the mic and he says he didn’t believe anything Bad Influence was saying. He says that while Bad Influence are best friends, he and Roode barely like each other, but they like each other to have a common goal. Aries says that they are a team of World Champions, which Daniels and Kaz know nothing about. This brings out Bad Influence.
Daniels calls Roode and Aries are just bad imitations of Bad Influence. Daniels says that the next world tag team champions are in the ring, and – Spoiler alert – it’s Bad Influence. Roode says that he is the gut who cracked a beer bottle over his best friends head to become World Champion, so he and Aries will do whatever it takes to win he tag titles. Kaz says that Roode and Aries are just trying to be them, and come off as posers. The music of our tag champions comes out, and here come Hernandez and Kerwin White. White says that they just came from Hogan’s office, and there was a special guest referee for the number one contenders match next week, and no it’s not one of them, it’s James Storm. Awesome. This should be a really good match next week, and I look forward to watching it. Seriously.
Backstage, Sting meets up with Kurt Angle and wants to talk in private, so he kicks out the camera man. That’s the whole segment.
After a commercial, Tara and Gail Kim are complaining about how hot and sexy Taryn Terrell is. I’m not complaining. Gail says that they should embarrass Taryn in their tag match tonight. As Tara walks away, Gail pots to make sure she gets the victory. BWAHAHAHA!
The participants for the next match get introduced, but we go to commercial. When we return though, it’s going to be…
Match 3: D-Lo Brown vs. Kurt Angle
Yes! D-Lo Brown is getting a push! It’s about time this young guy gets a big match against a seasoned veteran. D-Lo says that he said he doesn’t want to just beat Kurt; he wants to humiliate him and beat him in an “I Quit” match. Groan. This was not a great match, but it was ok. A&E came down to ringside, but did not interfere. D-Lo ended up quitting, because duh, and A&E just walked away. Interesting. After the match, Angle called out AJ Styles. Then we cut to commercial.
When we return, Kurt is still calling out AJ. Finally, AJ shows up. Angle says that AJ looks like he wants to take his head off. Angle says that if AJ goes with A&E, it’s the easy way out. Kurt says that next week he and Sting are going to go to war with A&E, and AJ should stand by their side. If not, there will be problems. Then Angle walks away.
They show a replay of Hogan setting up the main event later, and they cut to Matt Morgan cutting a very angry promo saying that he is going to run through Sting and Bully Ray to become TNA World Champion. Then he attacks a fence. True Story. Then we have our next match
Match 4: Gail Kim/Tara vs. Taryn Terrell/Mickie James
The good news about this match is that they let the three veterans work about 90 percent of the match. The bad news is that Taryn had to come in with the hot tag and botch her way to victory. But - and I’m going to use caps for the guy who thinks this joke is old and played out – AT LEAST THEY’RE HOT!
They show the end of the Angle/D-Lo match, and then cut to Bully’s reaction to his VP quitting. He was mad, and said he would deal with D-Lo next week. He also said that for the six man tag, it’s going o be himself, Devon, and Anderson.
We then get a promo from Roode and Aries talking smack about Bad Influence, hyping their match next week. Then we have our main event.
Match 5: Sting vs. Matt Morgan to determine the #1 contender for the TNA world title
In a perfect world, Morgan would destroy Sting in about four minutes to put him over as a legit threat to Bully’s title. This works especially when you consider that they have kind of been booking him as a monster. But this is TNA, where logic goes to die. Morgan dominated this match, but HOLY SHIT THAT’S THE WORST SHARPSHOOTER I HAVE EVER SEEN. Sting looks like he taking a dump on his back. And Matt Morgan “passes out” from the pain? Are you kidding me? What kind of Mickey Mouse bullshit is this? I am at a loss here. Please tell me how this booking decision helps ANYBODY besides Sting.
I want to say this: I have never been a Sting fan. I have always thought that he was overrated. Maybe because I only know his career from the NOW times, but it’s still how I feel. However, this rant has nothing to do with my hatred for Sting, and everything to do with the fact that TNA cannot for the life of them figure out how to get guys to the top level. Matt Morgan is everything a top guy should be: He’s big, he’s athletic, and he looks like a beast. He even worked for WWE at one point, so I am still shocked about how they keep booking him so poorly. And it’s not just him, it’s all the other guys who have been in the company for so long, only to be cast to the side so that Hogan’s ego can run wild on them. It’s aggravating to say the least. Morgan vs. Bully would be a better match all around than Sting vs. Bully. What bullshit this company is.
See you guys Wednesday for Headlines. That’s all I got.
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