WTF: TNA Impact Review for 5/30/13
Hello geeks. Are you guys ready for prime time? Are ready to be dazzled by remarkable storytelling and superb in-ring action? Yes? Well too bad, this is Impact. Bwahahaha…oh never mind.
Narrator P. Gomez is on the scene to run down the events of Impact. He tells us that Sting refused Hogan’s out of the stipulation at Slammiversary, that Gunner is the new bearded wonder in TNA, and that AJ Styles walks alone. You got it? Good.
The show opens backstage with Team 3D, Ken Anderson, and D’lo Brown. Bully says that thus weeks Aces and Eights agenda is three things: AJ Styles, AJ Styles, and AJ Styles. D’lo tells Anderson that he’s sorry that Anderson’s plan to get Styles to join didn’t work. Everyone looks at D’lo like he’s got two heads and they walk away. Bully passes by Anderson and shrugs, and as Anderson lets D’lo pass, Anderson throws D’lo into a wall and bitch slaps him. This is the single most badass thing A&E has done.
In the arena, Team 3D is out. Bully says it’s three days until the PPV and hypes the No Holds Barred stipulation. He tells Sting to do his worst. Bully runs down people Sting has beaten over his career, mentioning Flair, Hogan, Angle, and Jeff Hardy. Bully says he beat Hardy too, and he took him out. Bully can’t wait until Boston so for now, he wants to get this tag match over with, so he calls out his opponents, Sting and Joseph Park. I thought the only thing on the agenda was AJ Styles? I’m confused.
Match 1: Team 3D vs. Sting/Joseph Park
The match started with an ok brawl, but once they got in the ring, it was just terrible. There was no chemistry, and it seemed like they were just doing things for the sake of doing them. This is the match that’s going to make me want to buy the PPV? Pass. Sting pinned Devon after everyone was distracted by Abyss’ music. Yep.
Oh, f**k me, Dixie Carter is up next. Before she comes out though, we hear from Angle who says that even though AJ turned on A&E, he still did some unforgivable things to Angle. He says he will be watching Styles’ match closely. Then Dixie makes her way to the ring. She says that at Slammiversary they will announce the newest member of the TNA HOF. She then wishes Sting good luck, and the A&E music hits. Garett Bischoff is the main antagonist, and he’s with DOC and Brisco. Bischoff looks as threatening as one of those Blue Oyster bar guys from the Police Academy movies. A&E corners her, but Samoa Joe’s music hits and the JoeNus Brothers make their way out. Joe says that Bischoff is tough against a woman, but how will he fare against a grown man, and challenges the human Bobblehead to a match.
Match 2: Samoa Joe vs. Garett Bischoff
They wrestle about 30 seconds before commercial, and about 30 seconds when they come back, making this the worst paced segment in the history of Impact. And it was a BS DQ ending to boot. What a waste. Joe then challenges the three A&E members to a match at the PPV against himself, Magnus, and their partner, Jeff Hardy. That’s how they introduce him back? Seemed anti-climactic.
They showed a clip from last week of Gunner making his return to become James Storm’s tag team partner. Then they cut to a backstage promo with Gunner and Storm. Storm says he picked Gunner because Gunner has killed people. Um, ok.
After a commercial, Hogan is with his daughter and asks her about last week with Bully telling her he still loved Brooke. Hogan says that once he says “I love you” its permission to “rape, pillage and plunder…” Really, Hulk? Rape? You’re an awful human being sir. They switch topics to the Sting/Bully match, and Hogan says that he is betting the farm that Sting will win. Then we have our next match.
Match 3: Bad Influence/Roode & Aries vs. the Mexicans/Storm & Gunner
This wasn’t a bad match. I’ve stated my love for most of the guys in this match before, so I knew it would be solid. And despite my dislike for Chavo, I know that he can have good matches as well. The weird thing about this match though, was the complete lack of involvement by James Storm. He didn’t get in the match at all. He walked out with his right leg taped up, so maybe he’s nursing an injury and they wanted him fresh for the PPV. Anyway, the finish came when Gunner put Aries in the Torture Rack and submitted him. I am not a fan of that finish, but I know they wanted to put over Gunner as a legit threat. Quick note, he should call that move The Gun Rack. I’m just saying.
AJ Styles is shown arriving on his wimp cycle. You ride, you ride a Harley yo. Then they cut to A&E in the back. Bully is livid at the night’s events. Devon says he will take care of Joe Park and Abyss if he has too. Oh, foreshadowing. Bully tells Bobble, Briscoe, and DOC to take care of business at the PPV. They are fired up. Bully says that Hogan always says there’s a war coming, and tonight, Bully declared war on TNA. Careful, they have a killer in Gunner. Bully says he wants victims, and if anyone fails to deliver, they are going to end up like D’lo Brown. That’s kind of harsh, huh?
After a commercial, they are a really nice video hyping Bound for Glory in San Diego. They did a good job pushing it as their biggest show. Then they show a clip of Mickie James defeating Velvet Sky to become Knockouts Champion. Then Mickie’s music hit, and out comes the champ.
Mickie says it feels good to be champ. She thanks the fans for their support, but says that there are a handful of people who don’t like how she won the title. So she wants to address that now. She calls out Velvet Sky, who managed to get all the way to the ring without botching anything, which may be a new record for her. Mickie says she asked Velvet to put the match off until she was healthy, but Velvet proved she was a fighting champion. Mickie is being insincere by the way. She tells the fans to give it up for what a great champion Velvet WAS, and I thought that was great. Now, here’s the thing, this is obviously the set up for a heel turn by Mickie, and after getting backhanded compliments, you’d think Velvet would take umbrage, but no, Little Miss Loose Pigeons just thanks Mickie and the fans for their support during Velvet’s injury. Who writes this shit? Mickie agrees to a rematch, and says that as soon as Velvet is ready, they will have their rematch. Velvet says no, she wants the rematch at Slammiversary. Then the most ridiculous reasoning occurred, and I almost wanted to drive down to Tampa and punch the creative team in their collective faces. Mickie says that she would love to give her the rematch at the PPV, but she talked to Brooke already, and Brooke said that there was already a KO match booked, so no. Umm, excuse me, but this is a championship match, it should take precedence over a grudge match between Gail Kim and Taryn Terrell. At least Mickie had the good sense to mention that, but where is it written that there can only be one women’s match on the PPV? That is the dumbest of the dumb. Anyway, Gail Kim then comes out to interrupt and basically take credit for Mickie’s title win because she “softened up” Velvet. She also brags about how she’s been taking everyone out lately, and at the PPV she’s going to take out Taryn, then she’s coming for Mickie’s title. Velvet gets all “Oh no she didn’t” on Gail and says that she’s got dibs on the rematch. Gail flips and attacks Velvet and puts her in the figure four around the ring post. And what does Mickie do? She just watches then walks away. Awesome. Then Kenny King’s music hits because he has a mixed tag team match with Gail as his partner, and I guess they are doing that now. What an oddly paced show.
Match 4: Kenny King/Gail Kim vs. Chris Sabin/Taryn Terrell
I wish the X-Division didn’t have that stupid three-way rule. King vs. Sabin would be an awesome program. Too bad though. The match at hand was sloppy with the girls, but pretty good when the guys were involved. Sabin picked up the win with some weird looking drive-type move. Post match, King attacked Sabin, but Suicide came in for the save. I never heard to the guy who’s playing Suicide, but he seems on point. Too bad the gimmick sucks.
After a commercial, they air a video package of Sting talking about his legacy and his match at Slammiversary. It was ok.
The announcers run down the card for the PPV, and then we have our final match.
Match 5: Mr. Anderson vs. AJ Styles
I was all ready to say that this match was a good ending to a rubbish show, but this is TNA, and I should have known better. Before I get to the ridiculous finish, let me just say that Mr. Anderson has looked really good in his new role. He’s coming off as a legit badass, which is cool. That legitimizes A&E a little as well. But now let’s talk about the finish.
Kurt Angle hits the ring and attacks AJ causing the DQ finish. Then, A&E hit the ring, followed by Samoa Joe, Joseph Park, Magnus, and Sting, and we have a BRAWL FOR NO REASON! It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Anyway, the two teams brawl until it’s just Bully and Sting in the ring. Sting does his super human no-sell but is thwarted by Devon. After Devon not so quietly tells Sting which shoulder to run into, Sting falls victim to a 3-D. Impact ends with all of A&E standing tall in the ring.
I was not a fan of this show the first time I watched it, and it got worse somehow, the second time. Nothing about what I saw here made me want to buy the PPV, and it only made my head hurt. Brooke Hogan can’t book two KO matches for the same card? Crap. Gunner made Aries tap? Weak. Jeff Hardy’s return is announced with little to no fanfare? Come on already. I don’t know what this company is doing, but it’s not good. There is a reason they only had 1.2 million viewers this week. I’ve said this before, and I’ll say it again, I don’t know the first thing about booking or writing a wrestling show, but I still think Dixie should hire me. I couldn’t possibly do any worse.
That’s all I got. I’ll see you Monday for Headlines with Mike, unless the tornadoes get him.
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