WTF: TNA Impact Review for 5/9/13
Welcome Fozzie Fanatics to this week’s trip to that strange, magical place known as Impact Wrestling. Last week we saw that young upstart Sting finally receive his push when he defeated Matt Morgan to earn the right to fight Bully Ray at Slammiversary. Doesn’t that just warm the cockles of your heart? Anyway, let’s get on with the review, shall we?
We hear from The Announcer who recaps the recent happenings in TNA, including Sting’s victory, and Kurt Angle making D’Lo Brown scream I quit. They also touched on the AJ Styles saga. Then we are welcomed live to the arena by the announcers, and we are underway.
Sting and Kurt Angle are out first. Sting talks about Bully’s master plan to take over TNA with Aces and Eights, but says at Slammiversary, he’s going to take Bully’s power by defeating him for the World Title. I hope not. Sting says that he doesn’t want to wait though, so that’s why he went to Hogan for tonight’s six man tag. He says that he usually needs the best, but to fight A&E, he needs the best of the best, which is why he turned to Kurt Angle first. Kurt gets on the mic. He says that A&E had a plan, and Angle was just one piece of that. Angle says that making D’Lo quit last week was just the beginning, and he calls out AJ Styles.
Styles comes out. Angle says that he and Sting are ready for war, and asks AJ if he is going to join them. The crowd chants “YES!” Angle says he’s tired of asking, so now he’s demanding that AJ answers. Sting tells AJ that he’s been where AJ is. No shit, Sting. Anyone who can’t see this is a rehash of the NWO/Sting angle is either dumb or too young. Sting says that AJ should join them. Angle then got really mad and screamed at AJ, telling AJ that he’s with them or against them. AJ walks away. Angle follows him up the ramp and they start to fight. No really. While these two are scuffling, Bully Ray, Devon, and Anderson attack Sting. They leave Sting lying in the ring courtesy of a 3-D.
After a commercial, Short Attention Span Theater returns, as they recap the A&E on Sting. They cut to the back where AJ is walking. AJ is asked if he’s going to leave “them” high and dry. AJ storms off. I guess that means he’s out. Then we have our first match.
Match 1: Gail Kim/Tara vs. Mickie James/Velvet Sky
The match was ok, and holy shit, I loved what Velvet Sky was almost wearing. But the story was after the match. After Velvet pinned Tara, Gail Kim got upset and attacked Tara, giving her the figure four around the ring post. Is this a face turn for Tara? Who knows, but at least they’re hot, right? That line will never get old. NEVER! Bwahahahaha….sorry.
Backstage, A&E are celebrating the attack on Sting when D’Lo Brown walks up. D-Lo says he didn’t know about the meeting. Bully says that they are having another one in the ring to handle club business. They leave, and D-Lo gets the sad puppy look on his face. I really hope this isn’t leading to a push for D-Lo. Seriously, if that’s the case, then this company has absolutely no clue.
After a commercial, we are backstage with Bad Influence and James Storm. Storm is the guest referee for their match later. Bad Influence gives Storm some beer and remind him what Bobby Roode has done to Storm in the past. They say that Storm could join them, and to take some time to think it over. They leave as Storm starts drinking.
In the ring, A&E is out. He says that he can’t wait until later when they get their hands on Sting, Angle, and whoever their mystery partner is. He warns everyone in the back to think about it before they join them. Then he turns his attention to D-Lo. He tells D-Lo to turn in his colors. D-Lo refuses. They forcefully take his vest from him. Bully asks what D-Lo is going to do to get it back. D-Lo offers to kick Magnus’ ass tonight. Bully says that D-Lo is going to sit at ringside and watch DOC kick the ass of Magnus. Bully tells D-Lo that he better hope DOC gets the job done. So if DOC wins, then D-lo is back in the club? How does that make sense? Oh wait, I was thinking again. My apologies. Magnus makes his way to the ring as we go to commercial.
Match 2: DOC vs. Magnus
We join the match already in progress. D-Lo is walking around ringside. Magnus has come a long way. He’s gotten so much better in the ring. This match wasn’t the greatest showcase of that, but that’s ok. The finish had D-Lo accidentally grabbing DOC’s leg because he thought it was the leg of Magnus, and Magnus rolling up DOC for the win. Uh-oh. Me thinks D-Lo is in some serious doo-doo now.
After a commercial, we are in the back with A&E. They are piiiiiissssssed at D-Lo. Bully wants to cave in D-Lo’s head with a hammer. I guess that’s one way to handle it. Anderson has a different idea, to make D’Lo a gopher. Well, I guess that’s better than attempted murder.
They cut to Sting and Angle who are freaking out about AJ Styles. They need a partner, and quick. Hogan is there too, and he’s just giving his piss poor acting job. Hogan says that he received a phone call, and if this guy is who he says he is, then Angle and Sting will just sit back and watch as A&E get destroyed. Sting and Angle don’t want to worry about no “ifs” so they just decide to go with Magnus, who they all agree is on fire right now.
Then they cut to Aries and Roode, who are plotting to get Storm on their side for the match tonight. Roode says that Storm was the backbone of Beer Money, and the only reason Roode beat Storm for the World Title was because Roode cheated. Storm wasn’t buying it, so he just said that when Aries beat Roode, it wasn’t a fluke.
James Storm’s music hits, and out comes the special guest referee for the next match, which starts after the next commercial.
Match 3: Roode/Aries vs. Bad Influence to determine the #1 Contender for the Tag Team Titles
Roode and Aries are out first, but Christy Hemme botches and introduces them as Bad Influence. Aries traps Hemme in a corner and she fixes her mistake, but then Aries climbs the turnbuckle, essentially putting his man parts in Christy’s face. I wish I could do that. Moving on, the match was good, which was to be expected considering the participants. There was no winner though, because James Storm decided to kick people in the face and just walk away. Good for him.
Backstage, A&E is shown beating up Magnus. I guess he’s out for the main event.
After a commercial, they announce the imminent arrival/return of Suicide, because whatever, and then they show another video package of Chris Sabin’s return. Then X-Division champion Kenny King comes out. He’s here for some promo time, which is rare for the X-Division. King says that he won the title so quickly because he’s been exceptional. He says that he’s so good that now he has to fight two men every week. Ha, every week. Good one. He then wants to call out Chris Sabin.
Sabin music hits, and here comes the former Machine Gun. He says that he has been in two places the last two years: Rehab and his basement. He says he has nothing left to lose, so King should take pictures with it, because next week Sabin will be the new champion. King says he respects Sabin for returning, and he wants Sabin to hold his title belt, one last time. Sabin takes the belt, and King says that this is the closest Sabin will ever get to be X-Division champion while King is alive. King says that even if Sabin was healthy, he’d still be slower and less agile than King. King asks for his belt back. Sabin refuses, so King asks again, this time poking Sabin in his head. Sabin throws the belt at King then punches King a couple of times before King bails. This was a good segment, but they realize that this match is a triple threat, right? Where was Petey Williams? This is why I hate the new triple threat format. Sabin vs. King would be awesome.
Backstage, James Storm is lying on the ground, the victim of a beatdown. Bad Influence and Roode/Aries are in the back, but it’s unclear who attacked Storm.
After a commercial, Taz runs down all the happenings leading up to the main event, while Tenay wonders who’s left. Taz says nobody is left.
They cut to A&E in the back. Bully says that he knows not everybody in the club is happy with how they are treating D-Lo, but they have to weed out the weak. Bully tells Anderson and Devon to go with him, and someone suggests that D-Lo should have the girls and beers ready.
Sting, Angle, and Hogan are still worried about the third partner. Sing and Angle can’t wait, as they are literally playing their music, but Hogan says he has a phone call and whoever it is, he is on his way. Then it’s main event time.
Match 4: Bully Ray/Devon/Anderson vs. Sting/Angle/????
When the youngest guy in the match is 38, what kind of match do you expect to have? Sure, Angle’s a freak, but still. This match was slow and plodding. Around the mid-way mark, the announcers say that there is commotion in the back. When they get the cameras to the back, it shows A&E laid out. We then go to commercial. After the commercial, we continue with the match. Things break down, as they are wont to do in this company, and just when thing look bleakest, music hits, and out comes Abyss! The man-child beast is back! (Even though he never technically left.) He takes out A&E and then pins Devon after a Black Hole Slam. Yes, the guy who wasn’t in the match got the pin. Sweet Jesus that’s some shit right there.
I did not like this episode that much. It was all non-finishes and random brawls. The Abyss return is interesting, because now we get to see how the Joseph Park character is treated. I still say they pull a Fight Club with Joseph as the Narrator and Abyss as Tyler Durden. That would be too unique though.
Until Wednesday for Headlines, that’s all I got.
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