Welcome to this week’s Impact review. Before I get started, I would like to thank Zac Soto for filling in last week while I was away. He did a good job, don’t ya think? I do. Ok, let’s just get on with the review, shall we?
The show opens with Taz outside the arena because security won’t let him in. Apparently, they are acting under Hogan’s orders. Taz flips his shit, of course and threatens the jobs of the security guards. I don’t enjoy Taz anymore. He’s just so annoying, and acts like a spoiled kid.
We then get the Guy Voiceover recap of the recent happenings in TNA, including crowning Manik as the New X-Division champion, and Chris Sabin’s world title win, and subsequent fallout, including Bully Ray hiring a lawyer to try and get his title back. No, seriously. That happened. Now Bully and Sabin will fight in a steel cage match at Hardcore Justice, which used to be a PPV, but since Dixie wants to save money to spend on irrelevant people, it’s now just a themed episode of Impact. A very Sarcastic Thumbs Up to you Dixie!
In the arena, Awesome Aries comes out. He gets the crowd to chant his name, and then says that a lot of people are clamoring for the World Title. He congratulates Sabin for winning the title, but warns him that he’s the target now, and eventually Aries will get to him. Before that, tonight in the main event, he says we have a dream match, a match that not just the fans have been dying for, but that the guys in the back have wanted to see since Aries came back. Tonight we get Austin Aries vs. AJ Styles. That’s gonna be sweet. He says it’s going to be a battle of the guy who carried TNA for the first ten years against the guy who will carry TNA for the next ten years. I disagree, only because I don’t think TNA will last another ten years.
Bobby Roode comes out. He says he has had a bad year, and it started with his loss to Aries last year at Destination X. Roode says that he’s going back to what brought him to the dance, and people are going to find out that it pays to be Roode. Aries says that he hopes he and Roode make it to the finals, so Aries can beat him again. Hernandez’ music hits, and I thought he was going to argue with these guys, but apparently he’s got a match against Roode.
Match 1: Bobby Roode vs. Hernandez
They fought for about thirty seconds before we went to a commercial. When we returned, we got a very physical match, which is to be expected with Hernandez in the ring. It was a good enough match, but the ending was kind of dumb. Hernandez kicked out of a pin attempt, and Roode got mad, so he went to the outside and threw a bunch of chairs in the ring. As the referee was clearing the ring, Roode found an empty beer bottle under the ring and smashed Hernandez over the head with it. He then got the pin on Hernandez. The announcers played it off like Roode hid the bottle there earlier today, which is kind of funny, but the dumbest part of the match was the fact that the referee counted the pin despite seeing broken glass all over the inside of the ring, and having to walk around the glass to find a spot that didn’t have glass to count the pin. Ridiculous.
Backstage, the Main Event Mafia was walking backstage. They were asked about the #August1Warning. Sting says we will find out soon enough. Then Angle was asked what was up with Aces and Eights tonight, and Angle says that they’re going to make them an offer they can’t refuse. Oh jeez.
After a commercial, Short Attention Span Theater returns to show us the end of the Bobby Roode match. Then Borash and Tenay go over the BFG Series leader board. Magnus is still way out in front.
Then we cut to ODB and EY in the back, and ODB is jumping up and down while EY watches her boobs bounce. I don’t blame him. EY says he wants to be there for ODB, but he has other things to do. He opens a door and we see Joseph Park bending over. There goes my sex drive. Thanks. ODB leaves and EY says that he has a solution to stop Park from flipping out. Then they walk away.
We cut to Sabin and Manik, who is standing with his back to the camera without his mask on, as to protect his secret identity, despite the fact that we saw his face last week when he cut a promo about winning the title. They have an awkward discussion about their match later, and it kind of bored me.
In the parking lot, a “my penis is small it takes up four spaces” Hummer stretch limo pulls up. The announcers speculate that it’s the guy behind the #August1Warning promos.
After a commercial, we have our second match.
Match 2: Joseph Park vs. Jay Bradley
Joseph Park’s gift from EY was headgear. Then he and Bradley had a shit match, including Park selling a kick that didn’t come close to connecting, and Bradley not knowing how to do a backbreaker correctly. Then Park won the match, which means that there are absolutely no plans for Jay Bradley following the BFG series.
After a commercial, MEM is sitting around a table. Sting says that they accomplished the first part of their plan, which is that Bully Ray is no longer champion. Sting also, shouted and slammed the table for emphasis. I wonder when he stopped caring about his legacy. Kurt Angle reiterates that they are going to make A&E an offer they can’t refuse, because apparently, they’ve just watched the Godfather, and Rampage announces that he is there to fight. Everyone looked at him like he broke script, because they were all just staring at him like he had five heads.
Back in the arena, we have our champion vs. champion match that isn’t the main event for some reason.
Match 3: Chris Sabin vs. Manik
This was a really fun match. They complimented each other well. I would love for them to have a nice little feud/series of matches down the line. Sabin and Manik are still pretty young, so I think they could be players for years, as long as they allow Manik to drop the dumb gimmick and wrestle as himself. Sabin won this match because that’s what should happen, but manic looked good going toe to toe with the World champ.
After the match, Bully Ray came and destroyed Sabin and Manik. He’s yelling that Sabin should have just handed him his belt back. All of a sudden, Sabin was all better and he was able to knock Bully out of the ring. I love Bully as a heel, but they really gotta figure out if he’s gonna be a serious character, or a stupid comedy character. I hope they keep him serious.
Out in the parking lot, Taz is complaining that Hogan won’t allow him in the ring to make the show great, which was the funniest thing I’ve heard all day. He’s standing by the Hummer limo, and he’s going to reveal who is inside. He opens the door, and the only thing inside was a laptop that cut a promo that I couldn’t understand. I guess the anonymous Raw GM is behind everything. .
After a commercial, Short Attention Span Theater returns to show us the replay of Taz and the limo. The less Taz on my TV, the better.
Backstage, Kaz and Daniels are asked about their match against each other next week. At first they start to play nice, but Daniels says “poor Frankie” and Kaz takes exception to that and tells Daniels that he should be on top of his game next week. He then pours Daniels’ martini on him. What a dick move, Kaz.
In the arena, we have our next match.
Match 4: ODB vs. Gail Kim
This match is happening because last week, Gail had an issue with the way ODB was refereeing last week. I guess we can expect ODB having more matches on TV because they just released Tara, which left the division even more depleted. The match was really good, which seems to be the recurring theme tonight. I’m not counting the Park/Bradley match of course. The match ended in a double countout as the girls fought outside. That’s a shame. It was really good.
Backstage, Emo Styles cut a promo about his dream match with Aries, and how dreams and heroes don’t mean anything to him, or something like that. He’s become a little boring lately.
After a commercial, Bully is with the rest of A&E in the back. He says he’s not worried about MEM’s Godfather offer, and that he’s more concerned with getting his title back from Sabin in two weeks. He tells Anderson that Anderson is in charge of the MEM stuff later. As he goes to leave though, he’s stopped by Brooke Hogan, who wants to speak to him. She tells him that he’s signing his contract with Sabin next week, and that he better stay on her good side because she heard some things about his contract that he won’t like. That makes no sense, because if the contract is already drawn up, how can she change it? Whatever. This was the best delivered Brooke promo though, which I guess is a plus.
In the arena, we have our Main Event.
Match 5: AJ Styles vs. Awesome Aries
Read what I wrote about the Sabin/Manik match and multiply that by like, 6. This was a fantastic match that was worthy of the main event spot. I think that the Sabin match should have went on last, though, but only because the champion should always close the show. If you have not watched this match, do so. This is what people who defend TNA could turn to when arguing its merits. The ending was a bit sloppy though. They tried to do one of those “both men are down, but one guy gets his shoulder up at the last moment” finishes, but someone missed a cue, or the ref messed up, because it was only clear on TV how Aries was declared the winner. It was also a weird ending because Aries only fell because he was hit with AJ’s Pele kick, so it would have stood to reason that AJ would have raised his arm. Anyway, stupid ending aside, this was a really good match.
If this was the end of the show, I would be telling you that the show as really good, with four solid matches, and with good storyline advancement. But then I remembered that the #August1Warning was coming up, plus the MEM’s offer, so with about ten minutes left, I knew that one would have to do with the other.
After a commercial, MEM comes out. Sting once again he repeats that the two goals of MEM was to get the title off of Bully Ray, and to rid TNA of A&E. He also says – again- that they are going to make A&E an offer they can’t refuse.
A&E comes out. Anderson calls MEM cheaters, and says that’s the only reason Sabin is the champion. Anderson says that A&E won’t back down. Angle gets on the mic and proposes a match: at Hardcore Justice, it’s a 5-on5 match between A&E and MEM and whoever gets pinned has to leave TNA for good. Cue the “(insert name) to WWE” rumors. Samoa Joe says that it’s not a negotiation. The two factions BRAWL FOR A REASON! A&E is run out of the ring, where Anderson accepts the challenge.
Then the lights go out. It’s time for the #August1Warning. I want to let you guys know something. Writing this review is the second time I watched this show, and I was hoping that maybe my DVR would screw up or something and the guy behind the video warning would NOT be Tito Ortiz. But alas, it was, and that makes me a sad bear.
Like I said before, if the show ended with the Aries/AJ match, the only complaints I would have had would have been the screwy finish and the Bradley/Park match. However, the Tito Ortiz reveal supersedes all good will that this episode built. I really try to avoid using the F-word in my columns since it makes me look like an uncontrolled fifth grader who just learned that word, but holy hell this was f***ing brutal.
I hope Dixie paid attention as the crowd didn’t go wild, or even mild, they just went “Who the f**k is that guy?” And Tito just stood there like king douche with his arms crossed and the “I beat the shit out of my porn star ex-wife” look in his eye. Look, I know he used to be a big name in MMA, but seriously? It was bad enough that you gave a main event spot to Rampage, but to bring in this clown for the sake of…wait, why is he here? Oh right, because he is going to fight Rampage for Bellator Fighting, AKA, the company that no one cares about. I guess now we know why Tara, Taeler Hendrix, Joey Ryan, Madison Rayne, and Jesse Sorensen were all released while Matt Morgan quit the company. They had to free up money for a washed up MMA guy. How do you think that makes the released talent feel – especially Sorensen, who literally, and I cannot stress this enough, BROKE HIS NECK FOR THIS COMPANY. What utter shit this was. And to top it off, they gave him a main event reveal. Holy hell, I cannot express enough how pissed off I am. The best part was Dixie, on her Facebook, writing “stunned.” What a dumb mark idiot. She needs to get her head out of Hogan’s ass, and take notice that this company bleeds money, and I don’t care how rich Papa is, eventually he’s gonna need a band-aid. But I guess we shouldn’t all get too mad. After all, they did warn us.
Until Headlines, that’s all I got.
Do you have any questions or comments? If so please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can friend me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/fozzietjr or you can follow me on Twitter @FozzieMB.