WTF: TNA Impact Review for 8/22/13
Before I begin, I want to apologize for missing last week’s review. Things came up at the last minute, and I ended up not having time to review the show. In addition, I was sad. You see they ended the longest, most influential title reign in history when Chris Sabin lost his world title back to Bully ray. Sabin had a good run and….Ehh, who am I kidding?!? Sabin becoming champion did nothing for anyone. Why wouldn’t they have Sabin win the grudge match? AT Least he can say that he was a World Champion. That’s something, right?
Jefferson P. Voiceover is on the scene to tell us what previously happened on Impact. He goes over Tito Ortiz’s heel turn, which cost Sabin the title, despite the fact that Sabin was pinning Bully Ray in a cage match with the referee down and could have walked out of the cage at any time since the door was wide open. The Video package also had Mr. Anderson and Bully Ray giving their thoughts on Tito.
In the parking lot outside whatever arena this is, Bully Ray is on the phone. He asks the person on the other line if they are nervous. He ends up saying “I love you Brooke,” teasing that Brooke Hogan is going to join him. He is with Tito, and they coincidentally run into Mr. Anderson. Bully introduces the two to each other, and Mr. Anderson turns into a jealous High School girl. He’s all upset that Bully didn’t bring Tito to the table earlier, and Bully talks down to him, eventually telling Kenny boy to take care of his business tonight. There’s dissension in dem hills!
In the arena, Bobby Roode, Daniels, and Kazarian all make their way out. Can I call them Three-tune? You know, like Fortune, but there are three of them, and... Screw you people! Roode is on the mic first, He congratulates Bully on beating the system again, and becoming champion, but that makes him the one with the target on his back, because he’s with the group that will produce the winner of the BFG series. Roode puts over his 20-point win in the tables match last week. Kazarian gets on the mic and puts over his ladder match win last week, which was also for twenty points. Daniels says that he is going to make it 3-for-3 tonight in his Street Fight tonight. He says he’s the best Street Fighter ever. He’s not better than Raul Julia, in my opinion. Roode gets back on the mic and says that the three of them represent 25 percent of the BFG series, but they could be one third, and he invites Austin Aries to join the team. He says that since they’ve tagged before, Aries can trust them. James Storm’s music hits.
Storm is out with his partner Gunner. Remember when Storm was going to be the top guy? How the mighty have fallen. He says that he used to tag with Roode, and he doesn’t trust him. Storm eventually says that he’s going to punch Roode in his face. He puts his hat down, and takes off his shirt, and we have a BRAWL FOR NO REASON! Which turns into an impromptu MATCH FOR NO REASON! Seriously, Hebner appeared out of nowhere and rang the bell to start a match.
Match 1: GunStorm vs. Roode/Kaz
They cut to the commercial at the very beginning of the match, and when we come back, Mike Tenay is telling us that this is still Hardcore Justice. I’m not getting into the stupidity of that statement. What’s worse is the Hardcore Justice logo in the background. How do they get away with being so dumb? Anyway, as for the match, it had three guys I enjoy watching, and Gunner, so it was good. These guys always seem to have fun in the ring with each other. No, not like that, perv. Roode and Kaz pick up the win after a low blow on Storm. Not mentioned during the match was the fact that GunStorm are the tag champions. At least, I think they are. I don’t remember them defending or losing the belts though. Hmm.
Backstage, Aries is saying that last week he was offered a spot in the Main Event Mafia, and now Bobby Roode offered him a spot in his group. He says he has a lot of thinking to do.
After a commercial, they replay Bully’s win last week against Sabin. We are then promised an update on Sabin later on. Then we have our next match.
Match 2: Sonjay Dutt vs. Manik
Before I had a chance to wonder why this wasn’t a three-way match, a graphic comes on the screen and the announcers tell us that Hulk Hogan announced on Twitter that all X-Division matches will now be one-on-one. I would have known that before hand, but Hogan blocked me on twitter because I insinuated that he causes companies to lose profits. What a baby. Anyway, this match is non-title and a good match as well. I like when the X-Division wrestlers actually wrestle and not become spot monkeys. Manik picked up the win after a gutbuster variation. Decent match that only got a few minutes. I really wish they could have longer matches more frequently.
Backstage, A&E is taking a meeting. Anderson tells them that Bully told them to take care of business. Devon tells us that he’s ready to testify. In fact, all of A&E says that they are going to testify, except poor Mike Knox, who growls.
After a commercial, they show Hernandez walking to the ring for the Street Fight. Then they cut to commercial. Oh no, not this shit again.
After the second commercial, we have this match.
Match 3: Joseph Park vs. Hernandez vs. Daniels vs. Jay Bradley in a Street Fight
Tenay tells us that if Daniels wins this match, he will be in first place. And what the hell is Jay Bradley doing in the BFG series while Eric Young is relegated to “manager” of Joseph Park? The mind boggles. This match was given a commercial break, and when they came back, they shoed Roode and Kaz coming to ringside. Then we have another COMMERCIAL FOR NO REASON!! What the hell? In the ring, Bradley and Joseph Park show us why it’s a bad idea to have them wrestle each other. Kaz and Roode get involved of course. Side note, I know the set up is completely ridiculous, but I love Hernandez’ Air Mexico move. Aries shows up, teases joining Daniels, but kicks him and hits him with a Brain Buster. Roode and Kaz chase after him and the crowd chants “YES!” That’s hilarious. Park picked up the win after he sees his own blood and goes all Abyss on Bradley. This angle has lost a lot of its luster, as they have dragged it out too much already. Maybe they can salvage it, but I doubt it.
After a commercial, Sting is trying to rally the troops. He says it was a bad week for them, and goes over how everybody there was screwed out of something last week. He’s all pissed off that Bully Ray is world champion again, and that nobody stepped up to help them. Magnus says that it doesn’t matter that nobody stepped up, because they are the Mafia, and that means they are the elite, so they will step up. Joe agrees with Magnus, and says that they are bred for war.
They show a video package of the Bully Ray/Brooke Hogan storyline. Watching this, I’m glad that She-Hulk is gone from the company. She was terrible. Bully comes out flanked by Tito Ortiz. He says the same old shit he’s been saying forever now. As much as I love heel Bully, he’s getting annoying. The “Do you know who I am” bit is dumb now. Oh shit, he gave Tito a mic. He truly is a Bully. Tito says he’s going to knock out Rampage when they fight in November. Then Bully says that he’s ready to reveal the bombshell, and calls out the love of his life, Brooke. Brooke Hogan’s music hits, and HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT ASS! Sorry, what I meant to say was it wasn’t Brooke Hogan who came out, but rather Brooke Tessmacher, affectionately known around these parts as Assmacher, or Mrs. Ass. She’s wearing very tight leather shorts, and like all heel women, she is instantly all slutty. I love it. Bully says that he can’t be stopped now that he’s got the Hot Brooke (he’s right), Tito, and Taz, he can’t be stopped. Assmacher then pulls off Bully’s wedding ring off with her teeth, and Bully announces that he’s through with ugly Brooke.
After a commercial, Short Attention Span Theater returns to show us the Assmacher heel turn, but for some reason, I didn’t mind it this week. Then we have our next match.
Match 4: Gail Kim vs. ODB
The KO division may only be about four women deep, but Kim and ODB are two good wrestlers, so it’s ok for now. The match was nothing spectacular, but it was a good, solid match. Gail Kim won with a crucifix pin. That’s pretty much all have to say about that.
After a commercial, there is a video package of Jeff Hardy and his BFG series win last year.
They show us what happened earlier with Aries attacking Daniels, which led to Aries being interviewed about it in the back. He says that he’s one of the smartest guys in this business. He says that he doesn’t need anybody’s help to keep his pot, just his ability.
The announcers throw to a video package of Chris Sabin talking about losing his world title. He’s not good at expressing fake emotions with words. He sounds like he’s reading.
This brings us to our Main Event.
Match 5: MEM vs. A&E where the loser of the pinfall must leave the company
Both teams are announced, and then they cut to commercial. When we return Anderson has a mic. He calls out Bully Ray to watch history as A&E beats MEM. Bully comes out, and he thankfully brings out Assmacher. Anderson turns the conversation to MEM. He tells MEM to pick someone to lay down for them. There was some bad editing there, because the background noise jumped and Sting magically had a microphone in his hand. He says that no one in his family is laying down, so if MEM is going to go down, they are going down fighting. All of a sudden, the sad cowboy music of AJ Styles hits. He slowly makes his way to the ring, and then pauses. His music cuts off. All of a sudden, “GET READY TO FLY” hits, and AJ is fired up. He’s back to the Phenomenal One persona. The crowd pooped huge for this, and they really got into the main event. AJ was the most over in this match. This was one of the best things TNA has done. That pop he received was fantastic. The match was a pretty good brawl, even if it did break down a couple of times. The crowd was electric for it as well. Rampage looks awful by the way. Insert Garett Bischoff joke here. The match ends when AJ Styles pinned Devon with the Styles Clash, thus ending the TNA run of the 20-time tag champion. His contract was up, and I hope Devon does well in his future endeavors. Impact ends with Bully Ray and going crazy as MEM celebrates in the ring.
This was a fun show to watch, but I may be biased due to Assmacher’s fantastic appearance. I kid, I kid. There were some editing problems, and a lot of it seemed like filler, but the main event was a lot of fun, especially with the AJ Styles turn, and the guessing of who was going to get pinned. I stayed away from spoilers, so I legit did not know that Devon was going to be taking the loss. I was hoping it was going to be Garett Bischoff, to be honest. Oh, and from my friend Sam: “Having Tito Ortiz and Rampage in TNA is as relevant as having Sting and AJ Styles in Bellator.” I agree Sam. Follow him on Twitter @Samuel_Rene1.
Until headlines, that’s all I got.
Questions or comments: Email me at: Fozzietjr@yahoo.com
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