Welcome followers! Welcome to this week’s Impact review. First off, sorry for the late post. I know the three of you that read this regularly (Hi Mom!) are disappointed that you didn’t wake up to find a brand new column from yours truly, but work happens. Speaking of which, work pissed me off today, so I may or may not be taking my frustrations out on TNA. I’ll try not to go too overboard. I just hope it doesn’t suck like a virgin on prom night.
My recording opens up with Taz and Aces and Eights yelling and berating Mike Tenay, and then tells Tenay that his services will not be required tonight. I was so excited for this news until I realized it’s going to be Taz and Borash at the announce desk. I don’t think my sponsor is going to enjoy tomorrow’s phone call.
Norman P. Voiceover recaps last week’s Champion vs. Champion match, which was very good, and also the #August1Warning reveal of Tito Ortiz, which had the impact of dating a girl who turns out to be your long lost sister. Seriously, who pays for THAT wedding? The narrator even said this line: “What is Tito Ortiz doing at Impact Wrestling?” That’s what all of us fans have been wondering, my unseen friend.
After that, Taz, Bully Ray, and Mr. Anderson make their way to the ring. Borash is confused about Taz’s presence. He didn’t seem to hear the clip of Taz saying he’s coming down to teach JB how to announce. Taz bullies Borash for a bit as Bully Ray encourages this behavior. Bully actually screams for Taz to abuse him. This feels like a fourth grade playground.
Bully Ray gets his promo time and tells us that he’s angry that Tito Ortiz showed up at Impact Wrestling. Look, Bully, we’re all pissed off. Just calm your tits, ok? Bully is also pissed that he just found out that he and Devon have a tag match against Chris Sabin and a member of the Main Event Mafia. I’m pretty sure they announced it last week. Just saying. Bully calls out Sabin and out comes our world champion. Sabin says that Bully is so full of crap that Bully’s eyes are brown and his breath smells like feces. Ugh, what a brutal line. Sabin says that he will beat Bully next week at Hardcore Justice. Bully then calls out Hogan so they could do the contract signing. Out comes Brooke Hogan comes out instead. F**K I thought this segment sucked already. Bad Actress reads a letter from her father, who is “out of town” that says that if Bully loses, he will never get another World Title shot. Can we please forbid Brooke form ever saying “brother” like her dad? You know what? Let’s just never give her a microphone again. Bully is angry, but Brooke suggests that Bully has a little dick, so he signs he contract. Sabin signs it too, and we now conclude the worst contract signing since the last A-Rod deal. Seriously, what were the Yankees thinking? That ends the segment, thankfully.
After a commercial, they replay the Tito reveal from last week. Listen guys, showing it over again, doesn’t make it suck less. By the way, get a load of Anderson’s “What the shit is this?” face. Hilarious.
Then we have our first match.
Match 1: Samoa Joe vs. Jeff Hardy.
Apparently, Mr. Anderson will be at the announce desk tonight as well. Wonderful. I wonder what would happen if I muted the show. The match was pretty weak considering the participants, but a lot of that may have been due to Taz and Anderson acting like dickbags during the entire thing. Hardy picked up the win after Joe was “distracted” by Anderson at ringside. I’m already bored. This can’t be bored.
Backstage, Daniels cut a promo on his friend and tag team partner, Kazarian, who he has a match against later. Daniels says that even though they’ve been friends for fifteen years, he’s always been the leader, and tonight he’s going to prove that it’s his time. If Impact was two hours of Daniels talking shit, I’d be ok with that.
After a commercial, we have our next match.
Match 2: Mr. Anderson vs. Magnus
This match was better than it had any business being. Magnus is quickly becoming one of my favorites in this company. He is leaps and bounds better than when he started out with British Invasion. He makes me actually care about his matches now. I hope he wins the BFG series. As for the match, as I said, it was better than I would have expected, mainly because Anderson seems only capable of not having a bad match with Kurt Angle. The finish was a bit clever as Bobby Roode came in and started hitting Anderson with a chair, thus disqualifying Magnus, and taking away ten points from our leader. That’s a very smart move that I hope doesn’t get repeated as nauseam.
After a commercial, Short Attention Span Theater returns to show us the Bobby Roode clip. Then they cut to a promo from Roode, who said he’s going back to being the old Bobby Roode, the selfish Bobby Roode, and that there is more to come from him. Good promo.
In the back, Jesse and Robbie, talk about kicking Tara to the curb, and blah, blah, blah, blah. Mickie James comes in and says that if the Bros take care of Gunner and Storm, she’ll take care of ODB, and then she’ll sit on their faces. I may have misheard something there. I’m not rewinding that, but I will fast forward the Tito Ortiz video package. This is almost intolerable, the way they are making him to be the biggest deal. He’s going to do nothing for this company. Oh, and he gets to speak next? Where’s my Patron?
After the commercial, Sabin is in the back with Kurt Angle and Sting. He thanks them for helping him win the world title, and says that A&E is on their way out of the company because MEM will win next week. Then he mentions his tag match, and asks if Sting and Angle trust him.
In the ring, JB introduces Tito. JB asks Tito why he’s here. This should be interesting. Tito says and I quote: “I know the million of fans have questions, but I don’t have many answers.” Well that’s great. Then Angle comes out. He says that he knows who Tito is, but this is Angle’s ring, and Angle is the best wrestler ever. Then Bully Ray comes out and says that he can take our Tito, and he has beaten up Kurt Angle for ten years, so he’s the coolest ever. Or something. Then the segment ends with nothing accomplished. Welcome to TNA, Tito.
After a commercial, Short Attention Span Theater returns because “OH MY GOD!!!TITO ORTIZ!!!!HE’S SO COOL!!!” That’s how they want us to react, right?
Then we have our next match.
Match 3: Mickie James/The Bro Mans vs. Gun Storm/ODB
Remember when James Storm was getting a huge push and was winning the world title? Well, now he gets to wrestle against two Jersey Shore rip offs. But TITO ORTIZ!!!! Also, he tags with the lost Wyatt. You know the bad one. Best part of the match was watching Mickie James’ ass bounce around on the ring. Sorry, Boss John, but your friend has a fantastic caboose. The faces win, by the way, because no one should ever lose to two guys who spend more time with beauty products than most women.
After the match, Gail Kim jumped ODB and the skirmished until Mickie came back and hit Gail with the title belt. YAAAAAAWWWWN.
Backstage, Kaz was asked about his match against Daniels. He says last week Daniels said “Poor Frankie” but this week, it’s more like “poor Chris.’ He says he beat Chris many times, and he’s going to beat him tonight.
After a commercial, Bully Ray is complaining that Sabin is making them wait to find out who his partner is. Then they – and I shit you not – argue about how many times they won tag team gold. Bully says he’s going to send a message to Sabin, and Devon says he’s going to send a message to a member of MEM that someone is going home for good. Bully tells Devon to testify, and Devon replies that it’s his line. Then he punches his hand like a 1980’s douche.
Then we have our next match.
Match 4: Daniels vs. Kaz
THE BAD INFLUENCE EXPLODES!!!! I have been looking forward to this match since they were both announced as participants in the BFG series. And then TNA shit on my dreams as both men left the ring after about a minute and a half of “action” and both got counted out. Who booked this crap?
Bobby Roode’s music hits, and he comes out with a chair. He drops the chair and enters the ring. He waves in Bad Influence. Roode says that everyone is so caught up in the A&E/MEM/Rampage/Tito messes that they all forget who the three of them are. Roode says the landscape has changed and that one of them will walk out of BFG as the next world champion.
After a commercial, we have our NEXT TITO ORTIZ RECAP!!!! WOOOOOO!!!! AND THEN HE SPEAKS!!! Seriously, I may never stop swooning. That’s sarcasm, folks, in case you were unaware of my writing.
Oh look, a video package of the rise of A&E and that time Sting was left alone to get beat down by them and no one helped, so he formed a group consisting of members of the locker room that didn’t help him, and an MMA guy. Did no one else read that previous sentence and realize that someone in the booking meeting thought that did not sound like the most ridiculous thing ever.
Match 5: Sabin/Mystery Partner vs. Dem Dirty Dudleys
After a brief tease of Sting, it turned out that Angle was the mystery partner all along. Woo hoo, I love pointless swerves. The match was ok, I guess. The finish had Sabin winning in a fluke manner again, because why build him strong going into the cage match next week? Bully throws himself into a table, Devon runs at Sabin who ducks and Devon does Royal Rumble elimination, and Sabin hits a high cross body for the win. I know it appears as if he took out the greatest tag team by himself, but it looked ridiculous to me. Impact ended with Sabin and Angle celebrating in the ring.
I don’t like the second show of the back to back tapings. The crowd always seems dead, and the editing is poor. What they should do, in my opinion, is to tape the shows with two different crowds. I think you’ll get a better reaction that way, and you don’t have to hear people laugh when they talk about “last week on Impact”, when it happened in front of them ten minutes ago. I didn’t care for this episode, as you can tell, but I am excited that three-fifths of Fortune is back together. I love those guys as a group. I hope next week’s show is better than this poorly booked show though. I am, sigh, looking forward to it, which means I will probably be let down again. But, to wit, TITO ORTIZ!!!!!!
Until Headlines, that’s all I got.
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