Last night I had a dream that I met Dixie Carter and Jeff Hardy. I went and got Jeff’s autograph, and wished him well in his match against Aries. I told him that it should be a good match, given the two styles. He agreed. I asked Dixie for an autograph, and she refused. The dream version of her is such a bitch.
Impact opens with a video package from No Surrender. Did Hogan really “Lock the building down”? You know there was some hick tourist thinking they were really in trouble. They also focused on Bobby Roode’s interference in James Storm’s match, Aries’ match with the A&E guy, and Hardy’s beatdown at the hands of Aces and Eights, and Hardy’s eventual BFG series victory. I think Hardy and Aries will have a fantastic match, but really think Bully Ray should have come out victorious. He needs that final push into the top spot. Hardy does not.
Awesome Aries is out to start the show. He holds up his World Heavyweight Championship. He says it is power, and the reason everyone gets up in the morning. He says it’s the reason he was the target of A&E because of it. He says he got a bit of retribution at the PPV, but he wants to move on, and calls out his opponent for BFG, Jeff Hardy.
The Painted Face Enigma comes out. Aries congratulates Hardy, saying that he deserves the Heavyweight Title shot. Aries says that Hardy is a man of very little words, yet the fans cheer. Aries says that people say that Aries has something that Hardy wants, but Aries says that he sees it as Hardy has something that Aries wants. Bully Ray’s music hits, and out comes New York’s Finest.
Bully comes down and calls Aries and Hardy lucky. He says Aries is lucky because Aries knows if he was fighting Bully, then Aries would lose. He says Hardy was lucky because Bully felt sorry for him after his A&E beatdown, so he took his eye off the ball. Aries interrupts. He says that the last time he and Bully were in the ring, he made Bully tap, and the last time Bully faced Hardy, Hardy won. Aries asks Bully if he only lost because he took Hardy lightly. Bully says yes. Then Aries says that Bully should fight Hardy again. Hardy says that he feels better than he did on Sunday, so he’s ready. Bully goes to say something, but Hardy’s music hits, and the segment ends as Tenay tells us the rematch is official, it’s going to be Hardy vs. Bully Ray later, because apparently some of the power Aries gets from his title is booking power.
After a commercial, we have our next match, and it’s for the X-Division Championship. Wow, classy move by TNA by sending their condolences to Jerry Lawler. I usually don’t like when they mention WWE, but this was nice of them.
Match 1: Sonjay Dutt vs. Zema Ion for the X-Division Title
This match was great if you love head scissor take downs, as Sonjay must have hit about 1,000 of those in the three minutes or whatever they were given. It was all for naught though, as Ion was able to crotch Dutt on the top rope, who then conveniently fell with his legs in the air like he was a virgin on prom night. Not much of a match, which is another sign that TNA is reverting back to their old form. By the way, Dutt’s moonsault/double foot stomp combo is ridiculous. I wonder how many times he made a guy shit his pants after hitting it.
Match Rating: * ½
Backstage, we have out tag champs, Daniels and Kaz, who appear to be in Hogan’s office. Daniels has a picture of Hogan, and does a Hogan impression, in which he congratulates the champs on having a great match at the PPV. Kaz has a Hulkamania shirt on. Hogan comes in, and tells them to keep chillin’. Ok, he didn’t say it like that, but whatever. Hogan says that he knows all about towing the line, and doing what it takes to stay on top. He doesn’t mention burying half of a roster, but it’s implied. He says that there will be two singles matches to determine which team gets a rematch. Daniels has to fight Chavo or Hernandez, and Kaz has to fight AJ or Kurt, and if they win, then no rematches, but if either of them loses, then the winner gets the rematch with his partner. I am assuming that if they both lose, then it’s a three-way. My only question is why does either team get a rematch? They both lost. TNA logic at its best!
After a commercial, AJ Styles is asking Kurt to let him fight Kaz, so he can get some revenge from the whole Claire Lynch saga. I’ll tell you what; I’d me madder at creative for that one. Angle relents and we have our match set, it’s going to be Kaz vs. AJ Styles later tonight, and I’m just happy it’s not Daniels vs. AJ.
There is a video package highlighting the Roode interference in the James Storm/Bully Ray match from the PPV. This leads to Bobby Roode making his return to Impact Wrestling.
Bobby gets on the mic. He says he’s baaaaaaack. He says he got screwed in his match against Aries, and as a result, he can’t get a rematch against Aries. He said that he took his ball and went home. He said he watched his former tag team partner succeed in the BFG series and didn’t like that Storm was inching closer to the main event of BFG, so he took it upon himself to make sure Storm didn’t get their by bashing a beer bottle over Storm’s head. Oh Bobby Roode, you so crazy. Storm’s music hits, and out comes our favorite redneck cowboy.
Storm marches straight to the ring and we have a BRAWL FOR NO – wait, they have a reason? Never mind then. They fight for a couple of minute until the commercial break.
They show a BFG highlight. It’s from 2009, when AJ Styles defeated Sting in the main event. Then we have our next match.
Match 2: AJ Styles vs. Kaz
This was a nice, solid TV match, which is to be expected with these two. Kaz didn’t really have much offense, but it was all about AJ getting his revenge/earning a tag title shot. AJ hit a couple of impressive spots, including a sick DDT on the ring apron and a flying clothesline where he jumped over the referee. That was pretty cool. AJ ended up hitting the Styles Clash for the win.
Match Rating: **
Back in his office, Hogan is being Mr. Overprotective Father with Brooke, saying that he doesn’t want her to go home, just to keep moving from NY to LA, and when she is in the Impact Zone, he wants a bodyguard on her. Now, I’m no genius, but I’m pretty sure that if I was afraid that my daughter was going to be attacked, I would definitely not go on TV and tell the world the only three places she would be. Abyss, I mean Joseph Park, comes in and he says that he has some new evidence about A&E that will be here next week that will blow the case wide open. Hogan says to bring the evidence to him first and we will blow someone up. Yes. Hogan said he’s going to blow someone up. A little extreme Hulky boy, don’t you think? Hogan says he is going to the ring to address A&E, so he asks Joseph to keep an eye on Brooke. Park agrees, and Hogan leaves. Park then makes Brooke feel like that one girl on the train who is sitting alone, but some guy comes and takes the seat next to her despite the fact that there are seats everywhere. (By the way, of this doesn’t lead to Abyss being the leader of A&E, I’ll be shocked. I know some people are saying Bully Ray, but I think he’s just playing it safe and taking advantage of opportunities. And remember, if it happens, I called it first.)
After a commercial, Bully confronts Hardy. He says that he wants Hardy’s title shot at BFG. Hardy agrees. Hardy’s eye makeup freaks me out a little. He has eyes painted on his eye lids, so when his eyes are closed, it looks like they are open. It’s a little jarring.
They show a video package of the A&E/Aries segment from the PPV. Then Hogan comes out. Can’t he just please stay away? This A&E thing was so much better than when he wasn’t involved.
Oh crap, he’s talking about TNAs success again. Nonononono. Please don’t. Hogan has some weird ways of saying things, doesn’t he? He just said that Jeff Hardy was from another solar system. I know North Carolina is a little weird, but come on now. Hogan makes the Hardy/Bully Ray match official for tonight, which I already thought it was, and then moves on to A&E. Hogan says this: “Aces and Eights, this Sunday in No Surrender, all the Harley Davidsons and all the Kings Men, couldn’t put Aces and Eights in this building again.” You know when Hogan speaks in nursery rhymes shit just got serious. He says that now that the Impact Zone is locked down, it belongs to the guys in the back and the fans. I still don’t get how that works. Do they still have the fans in there from last night? That’s not very nice of them. Besides, what’s to keep A&E from coming in posing as fans? This shit makes no damned sense. A&E appears on the screen. The leader congratulates Hogan for being a fantastic chess player. He then says that Hogan has to be careful because anyone could be a member of A&E, including that guy in the front row. Wow. I just said that. Either this show is predictable, or TNA is finally using logic and common sense in their stories. The leader says that Hogan wouldn’t know who was a member until it was too late. Hogan looked confused, like someone used regular threats, and not nursery rhymes.
After a commercial, we have another edition of Short Attention Span Theater, as they recap the Hogan segment we just finished watching. Then we have Chavo Guerrero in the back talking with Hernandez. Chavo is upset that they lost last week. Chavo says “Lie, Cheat, Steal? I invented Lie, Cheat, Steal.” Um, can you go one promo without reminding us about Eddie? Maybe finally be your own man? Too much to ask? Sorry. Chavo says he is going to beat Daniels and get their rematch. That is up next.
Match 3: Chavo vs. Daniels
Man, I dislike Chavo Guerrero. The match was ok, and Chavo won with the frog splash, of course, but my main gripe is that after the win, and even before the frog splash, the crowd was chanting “Eddie, Eddie” and not for Chavo. Even Taz doing the replay mentioned Eddie by name. Now before I get a bunch of comments about how Rey Mysterio did the same thing, first I would like to say that I didn’t like it then, either. Second, if you are going to do something like that, at least they did it right after and not seven years later.
Match Rating: * ½
Next we have a video package of next week’s Gut Check contestant. He’s some 18-year old kid from Massachusetts. This could be another train wreck, and I am happy for it.
After a commercial, James Storm is yelling at the camera and to Bobby Roode and says that he’s calling Roode out for Open Fight Night next week. We then get a video package showing Gail Kim winning the first ever Knockouts title at BFG ’05. Then Tara comes out.
Tara wants to congratulate (there’s a lot of that today) Assmacher for Assmacher’s victory. Ms. Ass comes out and Tara say that at the PPV, the student beat the teacher, and while Tara was upset, she was happy because that means Tara did her job. Tara says that Ms. Ass will is her best friend and her boo, and that she love her. Tara wants to present the title belt to the champion. She does, and Ms. Ass celebrates by posing on the turnbuckles, and then is greeted by a clothesline by Tara in a heel turn that was less surprising than a sunrise. Tara gets cheered though, which says something about your champion. Tara’s a better heel though.
Then they show the same video package they've been showing of Hogan locking down the Impact Zone, because we would forget otherwise, I guess.
After a commercial, we are in Hogan’s office. There is a meeting of the minds going on because joining Hogan is Al Snow, D-lo Brown, Brother Love, Brooke Hogan, and the dream wrecking bitch herself, Dixie Carter. They are all a-scared of A&E, and they want to make a plan to stop them. They come to the conclusion that there is an inside man. They keep repeating the same thing over and over, in what is a pointless segment. There are three loud bangs heard in the middle of the conversation, which distracts everyone, but is eventually ignored. This segment reminds me of a bad improve class where the subject is “intruders.”
Then we have our next match.
Match 4: Bully Ray vs. Jeff Hardy for Jeff’s #1 contender spot at BFG
Man, these guys wrestle each other a lot, huh? It’s the new Daniels/AJ. Only 345,678 more matches to go. I say this match ends with A&E interference. Gotta admit, these guys have chemistry together. I hate when Tenay says that Hardy is going to go “Twist-O” like every time Hardy tries his finisher. It’s f’ing annoying. So far, this is the match of the night, which wasn’t really hard to do, but these guys are going hard. Hardy gets the win, and I’m shocked that there was no interference at all. I think A&E is moving away from the Aries. Oh well, the match was good though.
Match Rating: ***
The show was decent, but nowhere near as good as it has been, and I’m worried about that. I don’t know when the live episodes end, but I hope they keep going. The main problem with Impact has always been their consistency, and it showed here. There was no build for an X-Division match, and where the hell was half the roster? They really need to structure the show better to showcase the entire roster, and not just whoever they want. There was nothing really to note other than the Tara heel turn, but even that was so obvious, like clouds during a rainstorm.
Overall Rating: 4/10
That’s it this week. I’ll see you in a couple of days for Headlines with Kryptonite to my Superman, Mike Aires. Later.
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