WTF: TNA Impact Review for 9/5/13
Hey guys and gal, it’s your boy Fozzie, here to bring you another recap of wrestling’s redheaded stepchild, TNA. This week’s show is highlighted by the BFG series Gauntlet match, which means anyone can make the final four now, except Hernandez and Jay Bradley, who we will probably be wishing well in his future endeavors pretty soon. We also get Bully Ray vs. Sting in a match that may or may not be for the world title, simply because Hogan announced it as one, but Sting lost a match where he can never wrestle for the world title again. My brain hurts already. Let’s do the review, shall we?
My DVR started recording in the middle of the voiceover, so all I got was a brief clip about AJ Styles, the announcement of the gauntlet match, and the announcement that Bully will have to face one of his Aces &Eights brothers for the World Title at the No Surrender themed Impact next week. We are then shown clips of all the BFG series participants giving their thoughts about the gauntlet match. Then A&E makes their way to the ring.
DAAAAAAAAMMMMNNN! I love Assmacher’s heel turn, if only because of her wardrobe. She is the perfect choice to play the slutty biker chick, in my humble opinion. Anyway, Bully is on the mic and he starts sucking up to the rest of the gang, and saying they were truly brothers, and a tight group. He then hugs each member, but when he gets to Tito, he gives him a little pep talk before turning to Anderson. He tells Anderson that Anderson is the best Vice President ever, and that Bully has more love for him than he dies for Devon. They hug it out, with Anderson showing no signs of dissension. Bully announces that his guys have matches tonight. Fist it’s going to be Knux vs. Sabin, then later Garett and Wes will beat the tag team champions, and that later, Anderson will run the gauntlet. He also says that he accepts Sting’s challenge to a match, and that he’s got Hogan in checkmate. Bully tells A&E to leave the ring except for Knux because his match with Sabin is next.
Sabin is introduced, but we get a commercial instead. I wish they would find a better way to edit these shows.
Match 1: Sabin vs. Knux
It’s been so long since I’ve seen Knux wrestle; I almost forgot how agile this big man is. I love the flying high cross body he does. It looks brutal. As for the match, it was ok, but it was kind of boring. Sabin ended up hitting Knux with a hammer, earning himself a DQ. That was a weird ending. I get that that he wants revenge, but this was out of character for him.
After another commercial, Short Attention Span Theater returns to recap the Sabin DQ. This leads to a very badly acted backstage argument between Sabin and his real life girlfriend, Velvet Sky. Velvet was trying to calm him down, but Sabin kept whining about the hammer. If this leads to a hammer on a pole match, I might cry.
Back in the ring, out comes our KO champ, Mickie James. She is looking mighty fine here. She says she was excited to be in Cleveland because that is the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. She says that she was upset that she wasn’t invited to the VMA’s, but it’s ok, because she has the MJA’s. She then defends Miley Cyrus to massive boos. Mickie says that the crowd doesn’t like the way they twerk it, and I was kind of hoping that Mickie would have started twerking, but instead ODB came out. ODB says she is going to beat Mickie for the KO title, and Mickie jumps ODB. ODB gets the advantage and picks up the title. Mickie rips it from her hand and ODB rips of Mickie’s shirt. Thank you, ODB.
Backstage, Borash is with Hernandez and Bradley. Bradley says that he’s been offered money to take someone out in the gauntlet match, and that Hernandez should be his partner.
They cut in from commercial to Knux eating a sandwich. Then more commercials. I have no idea why they showed that at all. When we returned, Sting was walking down stairs. Gotta get that cardio in, I guess.
Up next is the Gauntlet Match, which Christy Hemme referred to as an over the top rope battle royal, which means that once again, TNA has no idea what a Gauntlet Match is.
Match 2: BFG Series Over The Top Rope Battle Gauntlet Royal Match
A better name for this match should have been the “Oh shit, we messed up the booking so we need this match to make sure AJ Styles is in the top four” match. If there is anyone out there who thought AJ Styles was NOT winning this match, I have some acres of land to sell you, cheap. My guess is that AJ wins the series and then the title in an effort to keep him around. I hear rumors that WWE isn’t really interested, which perplexes me, but either way, AJ should win the title. The final four is now AJ, Magnus, Aries, and Bobby Roode. Since AJ is now in first place, he gets to choose his opponent for next week. I really hope he picks Aries. That match could steal the show.
Backstage, Bully Ray is with Anderson, and Bully is PISSED. He goes off on Anderson not winning the gauntlet royal match. Bully wonders what Anderson has done for the club lately, and Anderson angrily responds that he’s been busting his ass for the club. Bully puts baby in a corner again, and tells him that he has no problem smashing him in the face with a beer bottle, ripping the vest off of Anderson’s back, burning it, and pissing on it. Bully tells him to get in line. Anderson doesn’t respond. Gee, I wonder who is going to fight Bully next week for the title.
After a commercial, a quick recap of AJ winning the battle gauntlet thing, and then we have a quick AJ promo where he says he’s going to win the BFG series, and then beat Bully Ray and take away everything Bully has.
In the back, Sting is with Rampage, discussing the fact that Sting can’t wrestle for the title anymore. Sting says it’s cool, because he has accomplished so much in his career. He says he should thank Bully Ray for allowing Sting to have killers for a family. I’m paraphrasing a bit, but that’s pretty much what he said. Then we have our next match.
Match 3: GunStorm vs. Baby Bischoff and Wes Brisco
The A&E guys attacked the champs from behind to start the match, which was a little exciting, but once the match settled down, the crowd was DEAD. The only one in this match that the crowd seemed to care about was James Storm, which tells me that they are wasting the Cowboy right now. And how terrible are Garett and Wes? Sideburns couldn’t execute a simple roll-up, and Wes loves to make things obvious. And of course Garett and Wes won, but does anyone really care?
After a commercial, Magnus, Roode, and the Awesome One await AJ’s decision. AJ comes out and stops right at Aries. AJ says that he didn’t want to lose to Aries, so he’s going to beat him first. Aries says that he doesn’t want to make any predictions he can’t back up, but he says that next week when they face each other, the winner will be the fans. I am really excited for this match. Let’s not forget that the other match is Bobby Roode vs. Magnus, and the possibilities that this final four have are fantastic. Bobby Roode and Magnus cut a very nice promo against each other where the highlight was easily Magnus calling Daniels and Kaz “Statler and Waldorff”. I’m a Muppet kind of guy, what can I say? Magnus ended the segment by saying that he will go through all of them to become a World Champion for the first time in his career.
After a commercial, we have our main event.
Match 4: Bully Ray vs. Sting
Bully cuts a promo to start the match, saying that this non-title because of Sting’s loss that one time. I think they’re doing this because Hogan screwed up and called this a title match last week. Speaking of Hogan, it’s main event time, so of course he comes out. He says that he’s banning Tito from ringside, and making this a No DQ match. I wonder if Aaron Rift is going to sue. Hogan leaves, the bell sounds, and we…have a commercial a minute later. AARRRGH!!! Have I mentioned that Assmacher looks ridiculously hot? I feel like I don’t say that enough.
Oh, and this match was a pile of shit stacked on top of a garbage dump. It was so predictable too. Of course A&E interfered, which led to MEM interfering and fighting them off. The only saving grace of this match was the end, but that wasn’t without its share of dumbassery. Sting has Bully in the Scorpion SharpLock, and Anderson pulls out the dreaded A&E HAMMER OF DOOM!! He waves it to the crowd and holds it right out of reach of Bully until he “accidentally” throws it in the other direction. Bully then immediately taps out, and Earl “I still live off the fact that I screwed Bret Hart 16 years ago” Hebner signaled for the bell in the most monotone way possible. It was surreal. He held the hammer in his hand, and kind of looked at Anderson as if Kenny was a lost puppy. Anderson then entered the ring and turned face by mocking Bully Ray. He steals Bully’s catchphrase and asks Bully “do you know who I am?” Kenny boy says that he is the man who is going to fight Bully next week for the title, and hailing from Green Bay, Wisconsin, his name is Misterrrrrr Anderson….Anderson. His old music starts up and he walks out carrying the world title. Impact ends there.
Remember how last week’s show had a really high match quality? This week was the opposite of that. I seriously found myself struggling to stay awake, or be entertained by mist anything on this show. It had its moments, but not many. I can say that I am really looking forward the finals if the BFG series, because no matter who fights who, the matches should be good. I am really pumped for Aries/AJ though. I wish that match could go last though. And one last parting thought: Can we please do something important with James Storm? He’s easily one of the top guys in the roster, and they have him teaming with Captain Caveman and shit. Also, if TNA is around next year for the BFG series, can we please have better booking? This shit is ridiculous.
Until next time, that’s all I got.
Do you have any questions or comments? If so please feel free to email me at firstname.lastname@example.org or you can friend me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/fozzietjr or you can follow me on Twitter @Fozzie MB.