WTF! TNA Impact Wrestling 02/16/12By Marc B.
Welcome back to another edition of WTF! This episode has been promoted as part of TNA’s ‘biggest ‘s month ever”, whatever that means, so let’s see what they got for us this week. Let me also take this time out to express my get well wishes to Jesse Sorensen. I hear he should have a full recovery, and that is great news. Now on to the review!<!--more-->Impact opens with their traditional video package of the main storylines, and the first thing we see is a highlight of the Garett Bischoff match. Ok, this needs to be said: Garett Bischoff has no right being in the spot that he is in. It’s fucking ridiculous that there are longer tenured wrestlers in the company that have had to work for their spot in the mid-card. Guys like Eric Young, Matt Morgan, Pope, Alex Shelley, hell; I’ll even throw fucking Robbie E. in there. They work on getting themselves over, and are not reliant on having spots given to them. Garett Bischoff was in the Semi-Main Event at Against All Odds. Against Gunner. Gunner.
What the shit is that? Not the tag title match, or the X-Division title match, but the son of a wannabe promoter/who the fuck knows what he does for the business. It’s crap like this that will prevent TNA from moving up to where they want to be. Oh, and then they showed the highlights of the World title match from AAO, which was another screwy finis to a world title match, because, hey, why give the fans satisfaction. And before I got bombarded with comments comparing this to what WWE is doing with Daniel Bryan, let me say that TNA has a history of screwy finishes, whereas WWE hasn’t, which makes the D-Bry thing interesting, and the Roode act just a case of Same Old, Same Old.After the video package, we are greeted by our World Heavyweight Champion, Bobby Roode. The crowd boos. Roode says they were chanting his name, Roooooode. Ha. I was saying Boo-urns. Roode says that he beat Hardy, Storm, and Bully Ray at the same time. That’s impressive. Roode tells Sting that he has been playing him. Roode says that he has outsmarted Sting since Roode became champ. He says that Sting helped him win his match. He calls himself the “It Factor” and says that there is nothing Sting can do about it. Which of course cues Sting’s music, and out comes our…wait, what is he? Commissioner? GM? Deputy? Whatever, here comes Sting.Sting says he will admit that Roode has gotten under Sting’s skin, and that Sting’s anger got the better of him, and it cost Sting’s buddy Jeff Hardy the world title. But, Sting is feeling good, because he has decided to reward Jeff Hardy with another chance at the world title in a no time limit, no DQ world title match at the next PPV! Oh, no. Wait. Strike that. The match is tonight. And it’s next. Why? Because fuck those who pay for the PPV’s, that’s why.Back from break, they introduce the only BJ I wouldn’t mess with, Brandon Jacobs of my SUPER BOWL CHAMPION NEW YORK GIANTS! Yes, the caps were necessary. I wonder if Mr. Jacobs will be involved in any way. Hmmmm. That’s me being facetious, people. Then we have our first match.Match 1: Jeff Hardy vs. Bobby Roode for the World Heavyweight TitleI just love how Hardy’s makeup is color coordinated with his ring attire. It’s the little things, you know. About the match, I have nothing against these two wrestling again for the world title, I just have a problem with TNA constantly giving these matches away on free TV. These are PPV matches. To quote Field of Dreams: “If you build it, they will come.” That’s not just for ghosts of deceased baseball players to say to get some poor schmuck to build a baseball field. It works for professional wrestling as well. If you build a feud properly, the fans will come to watch. The match itself is pretty good, with both combatants taking advantage of the No DQ stipulation. Then we have a commercial break. Of course we do.When they return, Tenay reminds us that the match has no time limit and is no DQ. You know what? I wouldn’t mind reviewing this match for an hour. Seriously, it’s really good, and these two guys know how to work a crowd. They fight in the ring for a minute or two, and they resume their battle on the outside. They are really taking it to each other. Hardy throws Roode back into the ring, but is then attacked by Kurt Angle. Maybe Jeff stole Angle’s beer. Angle throws Hardy into the ring, who then falls victim to a spear by Roode, who picks up the win. Normally, I would have a problem with the finish, because Roode really should have a credible win under his belt, but I’m cool with it because it’s going to lead to a Hardy/Angle feud that should be fun.Match Rating: *** ½ After a commercial, Roode is boasting about his victory. He says he has proven that he is the most dominant champion. Sting interrupts and says that Roode cheated Hardy again, and he is not done with Roode yet. Um, Sting, Roode didn’t cheat anyone, Angle did. Please try and keep up, ok? Sting says he is going to make a #1 contender match tonight.They cut to Eric Young, who has a guitar and is upset because he screwed up Valentine’s Day between him and ODB and he intends to make it up to her. Yawn.Sting is shown talking to two guys off camera and is asking them if they are in for the match tonight. The camera pulls back, and reveals James Storm and Bully Ray, who both say that they should be world champion right now. They of course agree to the match.After a commercial, they air a piece about Jesse Sorensen’s injury. It’s a very sobering situation when a wrestler is injured like that. Like I said above, I am glad that he is expected to make a full recovery. On the flip side of the Sorensen injury is Zema Ion. Tenay and Taz said it, and I agree. When you are the one responsible for a severe injury to another wrestler, it can have a huge negative impact on your future as a competitor. Just ask D-lo Brown. He wasn’t the same after the Droz incident, and I really think Zema should talk to D-Lo about how to move forward. Then we have our next match.Match 2: Austin Aries/Zema Ion vs. Alex Shelley/Shannon MooreThis match was a short exhibition that didn’t get a lot of time, and seemed a bit off as well. Zema rolled up Shelley for a cheap win. I wish more could be said about this match, but there isn’t. That’s disappointing.Match Rating: * ½ Backstage, Gail Kim and Madison Rayne are talking about the Knockouts Battle Royal that’s up next. They then bury all the bad blood between them, which I had no idea existed.After a commercial, it’s Knockout Battle Royal Time!!Match 3: Knockout Battle Royal to determine the #1 contender for the Knockouts title. Holy shit, Assmacher is back. I’ve missed her. And that’s about the best thing I can say about the Battle Royal. It was kind of boring, but at least they’re hot right? Madison Rayne won, and I didn’t care.Match Rating *Backstage, James Storm cuts an intense promo about beating Bully Ray and punches a wall. Okaaaay.Then they show Eric Bischoff and Gunner walking to the ring. Greaaaaat. I’m already bored.Backstage, Magnus and Samoa Joe cut a promo about being Tag Team Champs. They said it feels right. If you say so.Then we have another video package of the classic Gunner/Garett Bischoff match. This leads to Immortal coming out.For a group called Immortal, they are not very impressive. I don’t know who is still in the group, but in the ring, we have Ric Flair, Gunner, Eric Bischoff and Chelsea. If you don’t know who Chelsea is, then you are not alone. She managed Desmond Wolfe before he left the company. She hasn’t been seen since.Eric gets on the mic and talks trash about his son. He breaks out cigars and champagne, because why not? It’s not like this segment has a point. He then wishes Garett the best in his future endeavors. No, seriously. They even stole that from WWE. What the fuck man?Backstage, Bully Ray says he has the best calves in the business, and they call him Calve-Zilla. Mine are better, and I don’t work out. He says he will beat Storm and face his close, personal friend, Bobby Roode for the world title.After a commercial, Christy Hemme interviews some guy from an MMA show that premieres next week. What a waste of time.Speaking of wastes of time, they cut to Eric Young and ODB. Eric has a song for her. He sings it, she loves it, and she pulls him off camera to presumably have sex. Wonderful. That’s sarcasm, folks!Next up is our Main event.Match 4: James Storm vs. Bully Ray to determine the #1 contender for the World Heavyweight TitleThis is the part of the review where I tell you how great Storm is, and that he should win the world title and carry the company to where it should be. Get behind him TNA! ON the other side of the ring, Bully Ray has definitely improved over the year that I have covered TNA. He has become one of my favorites as of late. Case in point: during this match, he removed one of Storm’s boots and one of his knee pads. That’s clever, and rarely done. It takes away from The Last Call superkick. Then we have a commercial break.Back from break, Bully is still beating on Storm. Then out of nowhere, Storm hits a Codebreaker, then a Last Call Super Kick for the win. Well, that was interesting. While it showed the guts of my new God, James Storm, it completely undersells Bully Ray’s offense. Whatever, I’m happy with the result. Finally it’s Storm vs. Roode again.Match Rating: **Post match, Storm celebrated with Brandon Jacobs, who hopped the guardrail to drink a beer with Storm. Bully ambushes Storm, and steals Jacob’s beer. He spits beer in Jacobs face and Jacobs shoves him to the ground. Jacobs is then restrained by Al Snow and D-Lo Brown. He then goes into the ring to celebrate more with Storm, because I guess in TNA, it’s ok for a fan to jump the guardrail and attack a wrestler. Moving on…After the last commercial break, they show Jacobs and Storm backstage. Backstage? Remind me to bitchslap Zema Ion next time I’m at a TNA show. Maybe they will finally hire me to book for them. They cut a really weird promo that made no sense. Jacobs said Bully was out of line. I think Laurinaitis and Otunga are preparing a lawsuit. Jacobs says that next week there will be payback. For what, I don’t know.In the ring, Sting has an announcement, but he has to call out Roode first. After Roode’s arrival, Sting makes it official for Lockdown: James Storm vs. Bobby Roode in a cage for the world title. Wait, I thought Victory Road was next? Okay, TNA, you’ve managed to confuse me again. Roode then attacks Sting, who blades. I guess it’s going to be Roode vs. Sting at Victory Road. I’m so excited. Show ends with Roode standing over a fallen Sting.Final Analysis:Well, this was a giant step in a weird direction. I thought things would get better after the Russo firing, but apparently not. This was not the best show to start a new era. It was slow, and in a lot of parts, boring as fuck. I did like the opening match between Hardy and Roode, but it was downhill after that. And why the hell are they getting celebrities involved again? Won’t they ever learn? And speaking of Jacobs, Lawrence Taylor called. He said you’re stealing his gimmick.Overall Rating: 4/10Well, that’s all for this week. See you Tuesday for Headlines with the Personification of Mediocrity, Mike Aires!Do you have any Questions or Comments? Please email me at firstname.lastname@example.org
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