Here we are again, on the cusp of yet another edition of your (9th) favorite column on this site, WTF! I am writing this late on Saturday night, because I have no life, plus I have to work in the morning because my lovely job loves to change my schedule. Also, it’s daylight savings time tonight, and I lose an hour. Judging by what I have read about the show this week, I would like to lose an hour of that please. No? Damn. Well, on to the show!<!--more-->Well, fuck me already. The show opens with a video package of Garett fucking Bischoff. Then we get treated to Senor Sideburn arriving to the Impact Zone. Seriously, that’s the open. You gotta love those sideburns though. Or not, I don’t care either way. Oh, and I love how the camera man is conveniently in park as Garett is arriving. He asks about Flair’s warning from last week, and Garett’s answer was boring, so I made one up for you. Ready? Here it is:Camera Man: Hey, GB! What do you have to say about Flair’s warning?GB: well, I have to think that Flair knows a thing or two about showing up places he’s not wanted, so I took it to heart. Plus, I get to show off my wicked sweet sideburns!Camera Man: But he said…GB: I know what he said. I also said I am my own man, and I do what I want.Camera Man: But…GB: Listen, I have to go now. I see a wrestler that has paid his dues and has been waiting for creative to do something with him over in the distance. I have to tell him that he’s not needed.Camera Man: Isn’t that The Pope, D’Angelo Dinero?GB: Whatever….Then we are greeted in the Impact Zone by Eric Bischoff, and Gunner. I swear, if Tenay calls them “Immortal” one more time, I think I’ll sit here and type angry. Nothing about this group tells me that they are Immortal. In fact, every time I see Flair, I am reminded of mortality.Bischoff is on the mic first. He says it feels good to walk out to Flair’s music. Oh, and the piped boos are back. Awesome! Bischoff says that he has to handle the family business again. He said he went to Sting and asked The Crazed One to book a tag match between Gunner and a mystery partner vs. Garett and a mystery partner. I hope I get picked. Like for realsies. Bischoff then thanks Flair for warning Garett last week. Can this clown please shut the fuck up? This is sooooooo fucking boring. They show Garett watching from the back. Papa Smurf says that Garett will have trouble finding a partner, while Gunner has a whole locker room to choose from. Kurt Angles music hits. Now, I’m confused.Eric and Gunner sell joy that Angle has come out. Even Tenay says that Angle will be Gunner’s partner tonight. I wonder if a swerve is coming. Hmmmm….No swerve, as Angle says that he has no problem teaming with Gunner. Angle says that he hates Garett because Garett disrespects his father. Angle says he listened to his father and that is why he became an Olympic Gold Medalist. Angle also says that he hates Garett because everyone hates anyone with the name “Bischoff.” Hah, Eric rolled his eyes as Angle assured him there was no disrespect intended. This is why Angle is the man. Angle says that he and Gunner will make Garett and his partner tap. Ric Flair ends the promo with a “Woooooo.” Way to contribute, Ricky.In the bathroom – no seriously – Sting is talking to himself in the mirror. He is back in “Insane Icon” mode again. He’s babbling about fighting Bobby Roode in ten days. Eric Young comes in and asks Sting for his blessing. Sting says he knows that EY wants to give ODB some jewelry, so he books a Knockouts Tag Title match for tonight: Champions Madison Rayne and Gail Kim against ODB and…..Eric Young. Excuse me; I have to go check to see if my cyanide pills are still here…....Damn, all out.Back from a commercial, we have our first match.Match 1: ODB/Eric Young vs. Gail Kim/Madison Rayne for the Knockouts Tag-Team TitlesYes, you read that right. A man is fighting for a Woman’s title. I really hope they keep this short. Holy Shit, I’m bored of this. So are the announcers, as they are talking about Garett Bischoff. I still don’t care about him. There’s an interesting move: ODB sits in the top turnbuckle and slams Gail’s head into her vagina. I’ll call it the “Top-Rope Twat Slam.” EY tags in and puts Gail Kim and Madison on his back and does an Airplane Spin. Move over Cena! Eric takes of his pants and grabs Gail. Madison hits EY in the back with a title belt as EY falls on Gail, knocked out. Heh, knocked out by a Knockout. See what I did there? Madison looks on as Gail squirms from under the still body of Young. Madison gets pulled out by ODB and the ref counts to three, and we have new Knockouts Tag Team Champs. Damn, when you think of the men that have come before EY to win Women’s titles; Harvina Whippleman, Santina Marella, Chyna; you know they must be proud. I’m just glad it’s over. You know what sucks even more than what I just wrote? I absolutely did not make anything up. Google it.Match Rating: It sucked ass. Can I say that? Too bad, it’s my review!Post match, ODB is celebrating when EY takes her by the hand and drops down to one knee. He pulls out a ring and ODB sells shock. The announcers wonder if ODB is going to say yes, and we get a commercial break. Because, fuck you, that’s why.Back from commercial, EY has the mic. He tells ODB they have momentum. He says it’s the right time. He pops the question. The crowd loves this and starts a “Say Yes” chant. I can’t tell if they are sarcastic or not. ODB grabs the ring, and then SHE drops to one knee and proposes to EY. He says yes. Are we absolutely sure that Russo has left the company? This was terrible.Outside the Impact Zone, a man names Joseph Parks is trying to get inside. Tenay wonders who he is. He sounds suspiciously like Abyss. Hmmm…They cut to Bully Ray who says that James Storm will not make it to Lockdown, and that Bully will be champion. They haven’t announced it yet, but I would put money on a Bully Ray/James Storm match at Victory Road.They cut to Awesome Aries, who tells us that Sting sent him an email saying that Aries will fight Zema Ion tonight for the X-division title. Faster than you can say “I was going to say that!” Aries rips Sting for booking a money match on free TV. He says if he wins, then Ion doesn’t get a shot at the PPV, and that Aries will take his talents to South Beach. Maybe he will go to WrestleMania? Aries is great.After another commercial, we have our next match.Match 2: Zema Ion vs. Austin Aries for the X-Division TitleThe match was short, which was to be expected, because again, fuck you fans. There was a ridiculous ref bump, so that Zema can go for the “hairspray to the eyes” bit, but Aries ducked, and grabbed the can and sprayed Zema in the eyes. The ref saw this (of course) and DQ’d Aries. I guess their match is still on at the PPV, where I hope they get more time.Match Rating: *Backstage, Joseph Parks introduces himself to Velvet Sky, and says he is the brother of Abyss. Okay, for the record, Joseph Parks is played by Chris Parks, who plays Abyss. You’d think Velvet would know what Abyss looked like under the mask. Silly me, and my logic button. And what’s with TNA all of a sudden using its own talent as extras? Couldn’t they get a celebrity or a local Indy guy to play Joseph Parks? Hell, maybe they could have got Brandon Jacobs to play him. That would be awesome. I wonder if this leads to a ‘split personality’ gimmick for Abyss. It could work.After a commercial, Bully Ray is in the ring, and he has a microphone. His first line begins with “To all the millions of Impact fans…” Hah, millions. Heels lie. He refers to himself as CalveZilla, and says he’s the guy who took out James Storm. He says that he deserves to be #1 contender for the World Title. He calls out Sting to make that decision.Generic Rock Song #3 hits, and out comes Sting. He is repeating the words “I’ll do you a fav-ah!” Sting says that Bully Ray can’t just make any match he wants just because he injured someone. Bully says he wants Bobby Roode. Sting make Bully repeat him…four times. Finally Sting relents, and says Bully can have Roode. Bully is excited. He even high-fives Sting. I liked that, because it reinforced Bully’s ideal that he just wants to get his way.After a commercial, Bully Ray is still in the ring. They cut to backstage, where Roode says that he is not ready to defend his title, despite the fact that he is in his gear, and has his belt strapped around his waist. Sting says the match is non-title, and tells Roode that he has Storm at Lockdown, but Sting at Victory Road.Match 3: Bully Ray vs. Bobby RoodeRoode is very reluctant to fight Bully. Is this the beginning of a Bully Ray face turn? I could see him as a badass face. Plus I think he deserves to have a World Title run. He’s been on a hell of a roll lately, with the only exceptions being his tongue twisting promos with Steiner. As entertaining as they are together, it’s time for Bully to stay away. I will predict that Bully gets the world title by the end of the year. The match itself is by far the best one of the night, and I am really impressed by the quality of work Bully continues to put out. The ending came when Storm showed up and ran into the ring and Bully bailed. It was a good match, like I said, and this is one time I’m glad there was a screwy finish. It protects everyone involved. Storm also threw in a ‘Last Call’ Superkick on Roode.Match Rating: ** ½ Backstage, Garett Bischoff is wasting more if my time. He says that he feels confident about his partner for tonight, but won’t tell us who it is. I could only imagine who it could be. Cough*Jeff Hardy* Cough.After a commercial, The Mega Towers are in the locker room, when Abyss comes in looking for himself. The Mega Towers can’t help him and he leaves. Then they say that tonight they will win their match and get back their tag titles. It smells like dissension is in the air.Match 4: The Mega Towers vs. Robbie T/Robbie E to determine the #1 contender for the Tag Team TitlesAll through the match, Tenay keeps putting over Crimson’s undefeated streak. He says it keeps getting more and more impressive. No, it doesn’t. It can’t be impressive if he never wrestles a singles match anymore. It’s boring. Speaking of unimpressive, can Robbie E. be any more of a caricature? He’s like Zack Ryder’s annoying little cousin. The Mega Towers win when Morgan hits the Carbon Footprint on Robbie E., and then Crimson tags himself in to pick up the pin. And I’m happy it’s over.Match Rating: *Backstage, in pre-recorded comments, AJ Styles says he knows how to deal with Daniels and Kazarian. He says he has a surprise for them tonight.After a commercial, Gunner and Angle cut another promo about Garett and his mystery partner. It’s pretty much the same as earlier, except this time Gunner spoke as well.They air a highlight package of the AJ/Daniels feud part XXII. Then AJ Styles comes out. The crowd chants “AJ, AJ.” AJ says that in a couple of months they can chant “Tenth Anniversary of Impact Wrestling.” You silly kid, no they can’t. It’s just too many syllables. Go ahead and try. See? Styles is putting over the tenth anniversary until he is interrupted by Daniels. Daniels says that he helped AJ achieve success while all AJ did for Daniels was get him reprimanded and fired. Kazarian says that maybe the reason AJ’s friends turn on him is AJ’s fault. Kaz calls AJ a disease and sarcastically says that AJ is never the blame for anything. Styles says he doesn’t see any friends, but he does see a couple of pricks out there. AJ says he isn’t going to associate with friends anymore, but instead he’s going to associate with…Suddenly, the word “Asshole” comes bellowing from the back. Mr. Anderson is back, and he is aligned with AJ. They attack Daniels and Kaz as the two heels run off. It was close to a BRAWL FOR NO REASON, but alas, it was not to be. Damn.Backstage, Garett asks his mystery partner if he’s ready. GB apparently gets the answer he is looking for, and heads out to the ring.After a commercial, we have our Main Event.Match 5: Gunner/Kurt Angle vs. Garett Bischoff/Mystery PartnerBefore I get into the match, isn’t it something that GB is in the main event of Impact despite being completely awful? Moving on, they finally do the reveal the identity of GB’s mystery partner, and surprise, it’s Jeff Hardy. Ok, so maybe I’m not surprised. What I’m also not surprised by? Hardy does most of the work. As this match goes on, I can’t help but wonder who thought that Hardy playing the babyface in peril was a good idea. Yeah, I’m sure it’s believable that the multi-time world champ needs all the help he can from a guy whose dropkicks are worse than Eve Torres. I cannot justify this shit in my head. Maybe one of you loyal readers can. At least they let Hardy pick up the win over Angle. Oh yeah, Hardy vs. Angle – another match they just gave away for free. I know it was in a tag match, but these two guys worked the majority of the match. I’m glad it’s over.Match Rating: *½Final Analysis: Remember last week when I said that they were on the right track? Well, the train has been derailed. This was an absolute shit show. Seriously. The best match we had was Bully Ray and Roode, and that didn’t even end cleanly. Meanwhile, we have a man with a woman’s title, who just proposed to his girlfriend, a guy in his 50’s who like to mutter to himself in a bathroom, and a wrestler who thinks he’s his own brother. Oh, and the son of a promoter who thinks he deserves a main event push because his daddy is a famed (read: failed) promoter and happens to be good friends with Hogan. We get so many Garett segments, but only ONE that focuses on the World champion. Well, at least they have their priorities straight. Jerks.Overall Rating 3/10In case you are wondering, the grade is for the Bully Ray/James Storm/Bobby Roode match/angle. The rest of the show sucked or was completely boring. The end.See you on Tuesday, when I team once again to the Medical Intern of Thuganomics, Mike Aires, for our edition of Headlines! Hope you enjoyed the read. Good night everyone!Do you have any Questions or Comments? Please email me at email@example.com
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