WTF: TNA Impact Wrestling 12/08/11By Marc B.
Hello again, you gaggle of misfits! It’s everybody’s favorite time of the week: My Impact review! Or as it is better known, ‘the Sunday piece.’ Are we all tucked in? Well, here we go….Impact opens with a video package that sums up the main angles: Bobby Roode’s battle with “Consequences” Sting and Kurt Angle’s feud with James Storm. Our beloved (or not) commissioner is out first. Sting immediately calls out Bobby Roode.<!--more-->Our World Champ comes out to the usual canned heat. Sting says that Roode still has some consequences (!) to deal with, and calls out Dixie Carter. What? God damn, please no.Sting is pissed off about that one time when Roode used Dixie as a human shield. He wants Roode to apologize. Roode says he will apologize, but he wants to do things right. The crowd chants “on your knees” to Roode and immediately I thought some nasty thoughts about Dixie Carter, well, because I’m like that. Roode apologizes for not being completely honest with Dixie. He then says he isn’t scared to say anything, because he is the champ and Dixie needs him. Roode says that business has been better than ever since he beat Storm for the title, and I immediately choked on my own sarcasm. Now, granted, I was one of those that wanted to see Roode as champ. He’s young, a TNA Original, and he is absolutely one of the top talents in TNA right now. However, due to the not-so-creative team that is TNA’s M.O., you have rushed storylines and no way of knowing what the hell is going on. Roode as champ hasn’t made a lick of difference. Don’t believe me? This episode of Impact scored a 1.07, which is about the same number it usually carries. Sure they had a bump when Roode won the title, and that is because of the way he won the title. There has been no interest in anything else. But, I digress. Let’s see what else Roode has to say.Oh Shit! Roode rips Dixie apart saying that she is a spoiled rich girl who couldn’t run a lemonade stand, let alone a wrestling company. Things just got real up in here! He has a point. Dixie seems clueless a lot of the times. He tells Dixie that he is the face of this wrestling company. Then he says he has just spit in the face of authority, and then spits at Dixie. The spit goes over her head, but Tenay treats us like we are idiots and says that Roode just spit in her face. Roode jets and Sting gives chase while Dixie is left in the ring to cry about things. Wait that was it? It was less than ten minutes. This can’t be right.After a commercial, we are backstage with Roode who is accosted by AJ Styles. He is mad about the spit incident. I think there was a second spitter. Roode tells Styles to watch the suit. That was funny. AJ says he is going to leave Roode with just a little. I have no idea what that means. Sting comes charging backstage after Roode and is held by the greatest security team ever, Al Snow and D’Lo Brown. AJ tells Sting that they need him level-headed, and Jeff Hardy appears to tell him the same thing. Wait, Jeff Hardy is talking about being level-headed? Someone has forgotten who he is. And what is this over-reaction by Sting? It’s not like Roode punched Dixie in the face. Get over it Sting.After that, we have our first match.Match 1: Samoa Joe vs. AbyssThis is going to be a mat classic. Move over Mason Ryan! No seriously, this match was a slow, clunky mess that saw Joe lose to Abyss after Bully Ray attacked Joe with a chain while Steiner distracted Brian Hebner. Bad refereeing must run in the family. There was also a commercial break, because apparently Spike saw Abyss’ name and immediately assumed that the viewers would need a break from all the fast paced excitement.Match Rating: *Post match, Bully and Steiner celebrate with Abyss by raising his arms in victory. Abyss is reluctant, but does so anyway, but then he turns on The Two Stooges by giving Steiner the Black Hole Slam. Bully retreats form the Monster.Backstage, Karen Jarrett is talking with Madison Rayne and Gail Kim. Karen wants Madison to ensure that Mickie James doesn’t make it to Final Resolution in one piece. Madison says no problem, and Karen tells Gail that even though Gail had the night of, Karen booked her in a match tonight against Traci Brooks. Gail is pissed, but Karen has a secret plan for it to all work out, but of course she closes the door on the camera making the rest of us wait for later. What a bitch!After a commercial, we have another backstage segment, this time with Sting and Gunner. Sounds like an 80’s rock band reunion. Where’s Warrant? Anyway, Gunner wants one more match with Garett Bischoff because apparently losing two in a row to a guy who is in this business on name alone is eating at the ex-security guard. See that? That’s called perspective. I hate this feud. They couldn’t find anyone more established for GB to face, or do they all have dignity? I personally would have had a Garett/Jarrett feud, and not because its’ fun to rhyme. That would have been much better. But I don’t write for TNA…..yet.After that segment, we are treated to Devon and the Pope. They are not dressed for action, but are headed to the ring anyway. This is so much better than putting on good matches. Hell I’ll take another Abyss match at this point. Nah, I’m just playing. Anyway, Devon calls out the tag champs, and out comes The Mega Towers. That’s not their real team name; I’m just hoping it catches on.Devon says that he is glad that Crimson and Morgan took out Mexican America; he also says that he knows a thing or two about Tag Team wrestling. Really? I had no idea. He says that he and his brother have beat some of the biggest names in tag team history. Names such as Motor City Machine Guns, (who?) Beer Money, the Steiner Brothers, and of course, The Hardy Boys. What, no Furnas and Lafon? Devon calls The Mega Towers future legends, but he and Pope are a team now, and they are going to be bringing their A-game to the PPV, so Crimson and Morgan better bring theirs. He ends his spiel by saying that they will be winning the tag titles. He shakes Crimson and Morgan’s hand, but Pope has something to say.Pope gets on the mic and proceeds to set black people back about 30 years. He calls Crimson and Morgan two of the biggest, dumbest honkies he has ever seen. Yes, he said honky. Fucking really? Who wrote this shit? I mean the word ‘Cracker” would have been better here. I know you are confused by seeing Ric Flair backstage, but this is not 1972. Morgan and Crimson get pissed of course, but Devon steps in. Pope says that it’s all about the money, and he will stop at nothing to take the tag team titles. Pope’s music hits and he goes to leave and bumps into Morgan. Morgan takes exception to that and then we have, (are you ready for this?) A BRAWL FOR NO REASON! I saw that some of you hate when I use that phrase, so let me explain my point of view. I don’t mind when a brawl happens that fits in some cases, the current storyline, or if they make sense, but TNA seems to think that brawls = ratings, so they seem to book them all the time. Brawls are used to elevate or break some tension between the participants. It’s really not that hard to do. Anyway, Devon and Crimson brawl to the back and Pope and Morgan brawl in the ring. Pope low blows Morgan to gain the upper hand, and then calls Devon’s sons into the ring to help him beat Morgan down. They do, of course, and Morgan gets back up and the three Negroes (see how ridiculous it is when you use these words?) retreat to the back.After a commercial, James Storm is shown arriving, and then we have another match.Match 2: Mickie James vs. Madison RayneMadison attacks Mickie before they rung the bell, because she was instructed to take out Mickie before the PPV. You know what? The match is not that bad. This is what you get when you have talented women wrestlers. The ending came when Mickie hit her jumping DDT for the win, but it seemed like it was anti-climactic. There was no build to the finish. It just seemed off.Match Rating: **Post match, Gail Kim came out to stare down Mickie. Oh. It is going to be on tonight!They show Garett Bischoff walking the ring. I hate that tattoo of his last name on his chest. It looks like a logo for a gas station or a cheap steakhouse.After a commercial, they show Steiner and Bully talking about what happened with Abyss. These two are unintentional comedy gold. And then they gave us this little dialogue:Steiner: Me and Bischoff are tight. I’m tight. I’ll go talk to him.Bully: You go talk to him!Steiner: (walking off camera) I’ll go talk to him.Sully: You talk to him!Steiner: (inaudible)Bully: Shut Up!That was pure awesome. These two are becoming two of my favorites based on their weekly ramblings. Never change guys.After that, we have another match.Match 3: Gunner vs. GarettThis….was not great. Nothing against Gunner, he gave a lot, but Garett is not the ideal person for Gunner to be working with. Gunner should be paired with a veteran, like Styles or Angle, to help him grow as a performer. Garett should be paired with Moppy. Garett gets the win with a roll up. Somewhere Kelly Kelly is proud.Match rating: *Post match Gunner beats up Garett. See? I mean he really lays into him. He seems to be targeting Garett’s shoulder. Gunner goes to give Garett a piledriver, but Papa Eric comes out, begging Gunner to stop. The announcers, who clearly have never watched anything with Eric Bischoff, are glad that Easy E has come to his sense, only to be shocked that he pulled back the mats for Gunner to piledrive baby boy onto the concrete. Everyone saw that coming, even people who don’t watch the show.Back from commercial, they are backstage showing Garett being stretchered into an ambulance. Flair and Eric are mocking him, of course. Why are they wasting time with this? Hey, Frankie Kazarian, how do you feel about this?Back in the Zone, James Storm comes out. He calls out Kurt Angle. Angle gets on the mic and says that Storm is either really dumb or really tough. He said he hit Storm so hard he thought he gave himself a concussion. He says at Final Resolution things will be different than when they fought the last time. Angle says he thinks about Storm morning, noon, and night. Storm says that he doesn’t want Angle to think about him right before Angle goes to sleep. Funny line. Then it got serious. Storm says that Angle likes to intimidate his opponents, but nothing intimidates the Tennessee Cowboy. He says that he is going to show Angle how scared he is of him. He says he will turn his back on Angle, and if Angle feels froggy, jump. Storm turns around and Angle does nothing. Storm turns back around and says he will see Angle at the PPV. Oh, and it’s real, it’s damn real. This was fantastic. I loved Storm’s intensity, and Angle sold a lot with his reactions. I am actually upset that I may miss the PPV this week. I would love to see this match.Backstage, Karen is telling Traci that she has to take a dive in her match against Gail later.After a commercial, Devon is yelling at his sons for what they did. Pope comes in, and Devin throws him against a wall. He goes to hit Pope, but one of his sons stops him. Devon says he will leave before he does something he will regret. After he walks out, Pope comes back and says that the boys did a good job, and if they stick with Pope, they will be main-eventing in no time. Yeah right Pope; you know what a main event is.They cut to Jeff Hardy and AJ who swear they are on the same page for their tag match later.After that, another match.Match 4: Gail Kim vs. Traci BrooksTraci lays down for Gail to pin her, as per instruction, but kicks out at two. She beats on Gail for awhile, until Karen comes down to yell at Traci. Traci grabs Karen, and the referee, who I am shocked to see is NOT Ol’ Man Hebner, tries to break them up. This allows Madison Rayne to hit Traci from behind with her tag title belt and for Gail to score the win. And the ref saw nothing? Ok…sure. AT least they’re hot, right?Match Rating: *Backstage, Roode and Jarrett are talking about how they are going to take care of AJ and Hardy later.After a commercial, Daniels is cutting a promo on “Bob Van Dam.” He tells BVD that at Final Resolution, they should fight the way they were trained. Like for realsies?They run down the Final Resolution card. Here are my predictions:Mickie vs. Gail Kim for the KO title: Gail KimEric Young vs. Robbie E. for the Tag Titles: Eric YoungAustin Aries vs. Kid Kash for the X-division title: AriesPope/Devon vs. The Mega Towers for the Tag Titles: Mega TowersDaniels vs. BVD: DanielsJames Storm vs. Kurt Angle: StormHardy vs. Jarrett: HardyAJ Styles vs. Bobby Roode in 30-minute Iron man match for the world title: Bobby RoodeAfter that, we have our main event.Match 5: Jeff Hardy/AJ Styles vs. Jeff Jarrett/Bobby RoodeThe four of them fight outside the ring for a couple of minutes before they finally get to the ring. AJ sells a knee injury early, and tags in Hardy, causing Jarrett to tag in Roode. Eventually AJ gets back in and Roode goes after the injured knee. Roode just rakes AJ’s back. Wow, maybe it is 1972. The heels do a good job isolating the injured AJ, as Hardy shows frustration. Eventually, Hardy and Jarrett brawl into the back. They just forget about the match. So much for being on the same page, I guess. Back in the ring, AJ grabs the victory with an inside cradle.Match Rating: ** ½Post match, Roode and AJ brawl back up the ramp until Roode just hot steps it outta there. AJ pauses at the top to pose for the crowd, and Roode comes out and attacks AJ even more. Impact ends with Roode standing over AJ saying that AJ couldn’t beat him. Aaaaaand scene.Final Analysis:This was not a good show in terms of match quality, but as far as PPV build goes, this did an excellent job. Personally I think that Angle/Storm will be match of the night. I hope, again, that after the PPV, they can build up new stars. I think that may be wishful thinking at this point.Overall Rating: 5/10Sorry for the short finish, but I am late for work. Later.Do you have any Questions or Comments? Please email me at email@example.com
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