Hey all you cats and kooks out there in internet-land. The WWE, or at least the skinny interns they “pay” to police the web and enforce their copyright claims, have their s**t particularly together this week and I just can’t find a clean video of the latest episode of NXT. Which is too bad because I was told Kaitlyn and Natalya had a pretty good match on the show. Oh well. Life does go on. Instead of reviewing the show I’m just going to find five goofy pictures about NXT on google search and talk about them/make fun of them. FOR YOU!!!!!!!
Boom! Right off the bat, awkward NXT Season 1 cast photo. I still have no idea why Darren Young ever looked like that, or how he got his hair to defy gravity, physics and my understanding of hair. You might also notice effin’ Ryback in the center as a cowboy. Yup, they did that for a while. Then he snorted, then he got injured, then he ate a lot and here we are. Daniel Bryan was also once a surprisingly handsome man. And then there’s Michael Tarver, the only person in this picture not currently employed by the company. Makes you wonder what happened, doesn’t it? If the man is anything like his character was, he might just be legit crazy.
Boom boom! Even more awkward Season 2 cast photo. Let’s see, from left to right, terrible, terrible and fired, quit (mustache?), Doph Ziggler’s caved in face, now a psychotic swamp-preacher/cult leader, barely visible in this picture and in real life, and peaked in his first two episodes. Also, Kaval was short but I’m pretty sure he wasn’t four feet tall.
Longtime viewers of NXT might remember a segment in NXT Season 4 where still handsome Daniel Bryan and his rookie Derrick Bateman obviously and hilariously cheated to win their stupid game show segment. Did the phrase “Chicks and America” have anything to do with the question that was asked? I don’t believe so but dammit, somebody had to liven up the stupid games they used to force on us each week. Oh, and Ted DiBiase’s green crotch. You can’t un-see it.
Speaking of Derrick Bateman, if you type “WWE NXT Beta-Max” into google image search half the pictures that turn up are of Bateman’s goofy responses to Maxine’s sexy nagging. See above. They’re also all hosted by Jason Rivera but that’s another story entirely. I’m not the only one that misses the hell out of Beta-Max and friends am I? I mean, Kaitlyn and Johnny Curtis are on the big shows now but the Max left out of frustration and the Beta is still jobbing on NXT. He’s a living, breathing cartoon character, how is he not on Raw? Make him dancer number 2 or Captain America or Really Really Big Man or something, give him a two minute vignette every night and watch him go.
Oh God, I completely forgot about …Jacob? Is it Jacob? I know his last name was Novak. We’ll call him Jacob Novak and just hope it’s right. Jacob Novak was a bad guy so utterly boring and terrible that they eventually turned him into JTG because even that was an improvement. He still got eliminated a second time and was eventually fired because awful. Seriously, the dude is my least favorite NXT wrestler EVER!!!! Worse than David Otunga, worse than Mustache McGiant, worse than the dude from the second season photo that isn’t Bo Dallas, worse than Aksana and the announcer chick and Rat-man Conor O’ Brian combined!
And that’s all for me this week. Hopefully we can return to our illegal-viewing fueled program with next week’s show.